Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sadness. Show all posts

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Goodbye My Friend, For Now


 "If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we have to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it."

~Stephen Colbert

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert ends his 11 year run in May. I will never forgive Trump for setting this travesty in motion. It's yet another thing, that adds to making life shitty, that we have no control to either stop or at least slow down. I get that late night tv has been losing money for years, but it's also true that Trump had his hands all over it! That's the worst part of life with Trump, being completely out of control to fix the things giving you pain. He wants to hurt us, to have us under his control, even in our very thoughts. Life is difficult enough, without having him as the president. We all needed, Stephen Colbert, and now he's gone. And while he will be back in the awesome form of helping to develop the newest movie in the, Lord of the Rings, film that is not the same in any way as inviting him into our living rooms at night, still I look forward to his future endeavors, and I wish him well!

And now Trump is killing culture. 

Comedy is important. Stand up for free speech whenever you can!




Wednesday, December 03, 2025

The Autumn Of Murder?

 

"Oh no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people?"
 Peeta says, "It costs everything you are."

~Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay


Most of the time, autumn is a season of magic for me. The light of the beautiful sun, especially in October, the keen mixture of the weather, the first night that an extra blanket on the bed is required. Horror movies, holidays, spooky shadows, and little monsters, witches, princesses and super heroes on October 31st. We just put up our holiday tree yesterday. Christmas is mostly an autumn holiday. Christmas eve is only a few days into winter, but the shopping, the cookie making, the planning all takes place in autumn. Good stuff... right? So why is the grim reaper making such an overwhelming ass of himself? There has been so much death all around me. My favorite neighborhood duck, Kenny was run over by a careless driver, devastating the neighborhood. That young man killed on Pixie, for making horrific decisions. The murders last Saturday, at a child's birthday party, and now this... a father murders his 11 year old son, while the child's mother watches all of it on her home surveillance cameras. 

You can read the full story here... KCRA



Sigh.

I have done my best to ignore, to push away the feelings happening inside me, but sometimes those feelings pound me with depression. There are several units of law enforcement in the area right now, and if you can believe it, they still haven't caught the shooter from Saturday night! So that guy is still who knows where? Another child is in the morgue, and his 6 year old sister who watched her dad murder her brother, will feel that pain forever! How much more can happen? I miss my duck. I miss looking for him and his wife, Jenny, every time we come home through the park along the canal. I miss feeling like I can take a photo in the open, without wondering if I will get shot by a paranoid criminal. Autumn is a kind and gentle season full of spirit and magic, but winter has the most painful bites. Why is autumn allowing winter to insinuate itself into autumn's life, and bring with it, such cruelty? 






Tuesday, December 02, 2025

Autumn Strategies

 


At least the democrats I have voted for, realize there needs to be a more comprehensive effort put forth towards gun violence and the troubles our youths are facing. Now, I just pray that real follow through will happen next. By the way, as of the composing of this post, the shooter or shooters from last Saturday night's violence, have not been found. The FBI and the ATF have offered their help to find those involved. 








Monday, December 01, 2025

It Happened Again, This Time In Autumn

 

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, more violent, it takes a touch of genius... and a lot of courage... to move in the opposite direction."

~E. F. Shumacher

Yes, it did indeed happen again. But its not really all about me, it's about the young ones who were viciously murdered on Saturday night in Stockton, near the Dairy Queen on Thornton. It was a child's birthday party, a celebration on Thanksgiving weekend. 4 people lost their lives, aged, 8, 9, 14, and one adult just 21 years old. 11 others suffered non fatal injuries. Considering the spray of bullets, it's amazing that more didn't lose their lives. The children and adults who survive, will know doubt be psychologically scarred for the rest of their lives. My heart breaks for everyone in this, including the shooter or shooters, because it's apparent they were let down in all kinds of ways. It's the neglect of society, religious community, our government, that contribute every single act of violence in one way or another. I will say it again, address the needs of your community, and there is no need for violence. The big societal question right now is, how do we talk to young men right now? Start with young men in prison and jail, talk to them about how they lost their way, then start talking the young men from different demographics across the board. Young me in the military would be good too. And then don't forget to listen. Really listen.

So what does all this have to do with me?

This.


A few hours after the shooting in north Stockton, the sirens came down the street. The Fire department, Stockton police, San Joaquin county Sherriff, hell, I have no idea how many agencies were responding on Pixie, and I don't really know if what caused the drama was even connected to what happened in north Stockton or not, but it's a probably good bet that it was. And some of it was happening again, pretty much right under my bedroom window... again! This is a good example of why I want to get the HELL out of Stockton as soon as we can! We hear shootings all the time, and I just know that one of these days, a stray bullet is going to land in our house. I can almost feel it. For now, I am counting my blessings, that a few more guns and gang members are off the street, and that they are contained while the authorities have a chance to find out if they were the ones that killed those children. I hope we have some answers soon. I will post an new post when any new information is released. My goodness, I never thought I would see another scene like this, so soon after the event's back in September occurred.














Thursday, November 06, 2025

Autumn Goodbyes

 

“Time remorselessly rambles down the corridors and streets of our lives. but it is not until autumn that most of us become aware that our tickets are stamped with a terminal destination.”
 
~Joe L. Wheeler 
 
The Peking duck on the left is Kenny, and the duck on the right is named Gini, since we didn't know their names, we decided one day, to add a little extra fun to their personalities. They were the cutest couple in the neighborhood, and they made everyone happy with their love story. I looked for them almost every day as we would rode along Smith Canal. Most of the time they could be found sitting together along the banks of the water, or under a tree, but in the warn summer months they would float along in the water, always where they could be seem. They lived in the neighborhood for years, so it made it a much bigger blow to learn the Kenny was killed... actually I call it murder... on October 30th. The driver of the car didn't even stop to see if Kenny was alive or dead, they just continued on their way.
 
I am done with where I live. Stockton doesn't give a shit about themselves or others. 
 
*Here is the list of why I am done.
 
*Shootouts with police, practically under my window.
 
*Gun fire almost daily.
 
* Red light runners can be seen daily.
 
*Folks dumping their garbage wherever they want.
 
*Mail being stolen.
 
*Speeding drivers.
 
*Unexplained loud explosions, that shake windows. 
 
*Folks dumping unwanted, unloved pets in Lewis Park... constantly. 
 
*Stockton is rated D+ for overall crime.
 
*Homeless dumpster driving in my condo lot.
 
*My car was totaled, right in front of my home, 2.5 weeks after I moved in!
 And the driver just kept going! 
 
*One time someone dumped a drum of oil in the canal, despite knowing that there is fish, assorted ducks, and wildlife right there. 
 
There is more, but you get the idea. 
 

Gini the duck will now live the rest of her life without her mate. The canal was beautiful on October 30th, but somehow it will never be as beautiful ever again. How long will she live without her mate to watch over here? Kenny was very protective of his girl. Ducks do grieve, but there is a little bit of hope, you see, there is a lady in the neighborhood who leaves a bowl of food out for them daily. She loves them very much! I think she witnessed Kenny's death, in that she covered up the "Duck Crossing" sign that she had placed, with the sign you see below...
 

 I couldn't say it better. 
 
So that's it. I'm done! I am planning to leave this place, sometime this next winter or spring. We need to do some small repairs, painting, and then will come the packing. At that point, UGH, it's time to contact a realtor, or two. We are hoping to move out of San Joaquin county completely, so that may require two of them. I hate realtors. Every one I have had has been miserable to deal with. I hate them! But the last one I worked with, to purchase this condo, was less of a pain in the ass as the others, so hopefully I will find another one like that.
 
On most autumn and winter mornings I can hear the Canada geese fly over, sometimes in large flocks. A year ago, on the first day of autumn, Sandhill crane circled the house. The sky was gorgeous day. A bluer than blue sky, and the autumn sun bathing everything in it's golden color, and that sound of crane making life just about perfect. Things will never be perfect again, without Kenny. Ever right now, as I type this, I can hear someone racing their car down the street. One day a child is going to be hit, and the driver more than likely stop. 
 
I don't want to be here to see that happen.
 
Rest in Peace dear Kenny, I will never forget you. You were a really great duck!
 

 

Wednesday, October 22, 2025

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #31


 “There is something about autumn that makes things more beautiful. Out of all the seasons, it is the most honest about time. Summer and spring blind you to its passing with their colorful displays. Winter paints over everything in white. But autumn is not shy about things coming to an end. It welcomes it, waving leafy flags of red, yellow and gold. It celebrates its sadness.”
 
― Samantha Sotto Yambao,
 

 

Sunday, September 22, 2024

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #1

 


“Aprils have never meant much to me, 
autumns seem that season of beginning, spring.” 

~Truman Capote
 
Can you believe it? We have finally arrived at the first day of autumn! A welcome old friend. I photographed this leaf in Castro Valley yesterday, after I dropped off some unused food and a test kit Dylan never got to use. Oh my. Autumn will have a much different feel to it this year, but as I have always said, and believe even now, autumn heals me like nothing else, and I am grateful for that! Hopefully it will fill my heart with every beautiful thing, and I will see beyond this overwhelming sense of loss. Sorry to be so maudlin, I won't be like this every day, I promise, but autumn is the season of letting go after a life well lived, isn't it? And all things in their time.

Autumn Begins
Sunday, September 22nd, 2024
5:43 a.m. PDT
 

Sunday, June 25, 2023

Okay, Here Goes... Part One: Autumn Friends


 "Death ends a life, not a relationship"
 
~Mitch Albom
Tuesday's with Morrie
 
I said I have two things to share. One will obviously be about the second indictment and subsequent arrest of Donald Trump. That took place on Tuesday, June 13th, but something happened before we all got there. On Monday, June 12th, Treat Williams passed away. It broke my heart into tiny pieces. It was sudden. An accident that never should have happened, but happen it did all the same. A motorist turned into his path, and Treat never had a chance to stop. He was on his motorcycle, and the wearing of a helmet did not prevent other injuries from happening. I thought I would be seeing a tweet from him about the arrest of Trump, but no, he was just gone in the early evening of June 12th. As I sit here writing this it still seems really odd, and surreal that someone so in touch with the joys of life, who still marveled at so much, and who got so much out of the smallest of things, and simplest of moments, is no longer here. 
 
I had followed him on, Twitter, for the better part of a decade. He made me laugh. He made me reconsider my opinions from time to time. I enjoyed seeing his photos from various sets he was on. Movies and tv shows alike. The man never sat down when it came to his craft. I loved seeing his home and family. His property in Vermont was nothing short of paradise. And the trips he took with his various airplanes took my breath away, especially his flights over Vermont during the autumn. From the sky you could get lost in every single color you could imagine, demonstrating autumn wasn't always about earth tones, autumn was vibrant and joyful and beautiful. It was all... so damn amazing, so much so, that the thought of that amazing life being gone so fast, was never in my mind. Why would it be? He was one of the few, if not the only one at times, that didn't dwell on the negativity of life, but rather how to handle it by searching for the light and the joy.
 
That's not to say that he didn't have his moments. Trump could have gotten to Gandhi. One such moment, I don't even know exactly why he tweeted it, but suddenly Treat tweeted, "Shut up and do your job, you big fat baby!" which I have to say, delighted me to no end! I laughed and laughed and used about 200 laughing emojis in the reply form. Sheesh. Maybe my reaction was a little too much, but I felt that way all the same. He had just expressed, what I had always wanted to say, except it was now coming from one of the nicest folks around, which in my mind made it fabulous. It was funny, and appreciated. Then one day, sometime later, I left a comment about one of his autumn flights over Vermont, and something kinda nice happened, if not downright magical, he answered me! A great big movie star answered me, and I blushed, I really did. Treat said he was, "proud to know me". Wait... we know each other?
 
It took me a little while to consider that. It never dawned on me that he knew I was even there, let alone... gulp... know me. Or... yikes... was "proud to know me." Now what? Are we pals? Are we friends? How did he come to that assessment? Was it the things I said in my rambling comments? It's not like one could ask, that would be rude! Imagine this... "Hey buddy... whats that nice comment all about?" Twitter can be a strange place sometimes. Friendships are made fairly easily, and then just as easily folks can disappear from your timeline, for all kinds of reasons, it's never really been something I take too seriously. Life just happens, and it happens on social media too, only with walls that are invisible, but that are as strong as any wall can be. I like walls when it comes to celebrities. On my best day, as a fangirl of 61, I can sound like a nutty stalker, or a childish girl of 16, amazed at the talents of Shawn Cassidy. Who I also follow by the way.
 
So he answered me a few more times, and wished me a "back at you" at Christmas one year, and sweetly sang for us during Covid-19, at my request, although I think he had thought of it first, and was merely,  again, taking the time to answer me. But it was nice. It was always nice. He made folks feel at ease. He made me feel at ease. He felt like a friend. I guess that's okay, right? Do a few interactions over Twitter make you a friend or does the word "hello" followed by a lifetime of happy lunches and intimate sharing of ideas? Things can get fairly deep and philosophical on Twitter, so I know enough to believe we were of like minds, so maybe that is enough, to consider him my friend in the most basic sense of the word. I looked forward to his silly tweets and his opinions. I had respect for him and maybe that is enough.
 
In any case, I know I will miss him forever, he was my friend. He has left a hole in me. No one fills the holes left inside our hearts when loved ones pass, it's the part of us that belonged to someone special. To fill that hole is too much like replacing them. Some folks are irreplaceable. Treat was a part of me, but I will always have the movie, Hair, to watch in the moments when I am feeling blue about things. As scary as things ever got with the world, he had a way of looking at it and reminding us, we could make it through, and we were all connected as part of the tribe. I was so very lucky to connect with such a good person. And how lucky I was that an extraordinary man was proud to know me. I sure hope I made him smile once in a while, because I was so proud to know him too.
 
Goodnight, Treat
God's speed.
 
 



Saturday, December 03, 2022

Sad Soggy Cereal And Autumn Leaf Of The Day #73

 

"Leaves covered the pavement like soggy cereal."

 
~Patricia Cornwall
The Body Farm
 
I love that quote, and I love the title of the book it came from. It's all very definitely autumn inspired and inspiring. It was raining today, and it's going to raining for several days. I absolutely love it! It's fantastic for California, it's great for my bird friends and it's wonderful for my nerves. What isn't so wonderful... someone stole some packages off my porch yesterday, and the day hadn't been the best day to begin with. So, shit! That's the thing about this condo. When we just go inside, lock the door and ignore the world, we are fine, but things like having your packages stolen off your porch, every year around Christmas, gets a little sad, and scary, and downright infuriating. Who needs it? I was hoping that after what happened last year, again packages lifted, which contained the complete series dvds of, The Munsters and Hogans Heroes, you would have thought I would have learned. Oh well, I guess I was really hoping it was a one off, I guess I know now, what it actually is... life on my street! But I won't always be living here. Nothing good, or bad, lasts forever!

Autumn always has made me smarter.
 


~Me

Sunday, November 22, 2020

Love Among Leaves

 

"Autumn is no time to lie alone."
 
~Murasaki Shikibu
 
Sometimes it makes me a little sad to see a single leaf, all alone on the sidewalk. Solitary, as if without friends. When I was a little girl I learned that it is a good idea to talk to your plants and trees, because they respond on a basic level, and there was at least some anecdotal evidence that it's positive for humans too. I know, leaves don't have friends, but each one does spend it's life in clusters of company, on the same branches, with other leaves of difference shades and fingerprints, but one community all the same. Does love exist among leaves? I always wondered, if when one of the group drops, is there a sadness that is understood among the leaves, or is it a time of rejoice because, for the leaves, things worked as it should have? 
 
Just another mystery in the universe I suppose.
 
~Carly
Stockton, California
November 22nd 2020
 

Friday, December 08, 2017

Darkness And Light/Plus Leaf Photo Catch Up


"December, being the last month of the year,
 cannot help but make us think of what is to come."

~Fennel Hudson
A Meaningful Life
Fennel's Journal No. 1

Did you miss me? Yes, I took a few days off, to be sick as a damn dog! Alan and I both were. Coughing. Fever. Chills. Sick to our stomachs... wait... that wasn't about having a cold, that was about politics. Once again, politics couldn't help but drown all of us, in it's seedy waterfall of despair. I don't really want to talk about it, but I will share to the extent that I am fed up with witch hunts, lack of due process, and fear on a national level, of boogeymen, and clowns! There is a lot of REAL things to be afraid of. Once such thing to fear, and may have, indeed, got us here is tribalism. Don't think so? Look around. This season's theme of, American Horror Story: Cult, has pretty much nailed the current political, and social climate.

Women are becoming cultists, and hey, it's not that I don't get it. I experienced the same kind of evil, as the women coming forward have. Rape. Sexual Assault, and harassment in the workplace, and I even feel like the men who perpetrate these crimes and uncomfortable situations, should be brought into the light of day! But not because of false equations, not because politicians, who find their political roads to the top, by using fear, political fear, intimidation, of anyone, or appearance of "moral high ground." That's a little easy, don't you think? Al Franken was forced to retire from the U. S. Senate yesterday, and denied DUE PROCESS, that HE REQUESTED, after the first accusation, because Democrats want to gain ground on the senate race in Alabama.

I want that too, but to sacrifice one of our own, with NO proof and without hearing both stories, is wrong, and always will be. To fire every man, or woman, for that matter, who finds themselves in the same situation as Al Franken did, without due process, doesn't help women like me, survivors of sexual violence, it sets us back! Years! Right now, we have to hold onto everything that makes us America, and as painful as it can be, DUE PROCESS is part of that! America is falling away, more and more, and becoming something I don't recognize. Something that we might truly need to fear. So, when I read the quote I used for this post, I knew it summed up how I felt completely, and definitely bears repeating...

"December, being the last month of the year
cannot help but make us think of what is to come."

I don't think I am looking forward to 2018.

 #8 Leaf Of The Day
December 8th 2017
Tilden Park, Little Farm,
Berkeley, California

 Leaf Gallery 
( Click Each To Enlarge )

#5 Leaf Of The Day
December 4th, 2017
Cull Canyon Park

#6 Leaf Of The Day
December 5th, 2017
Tilden Park, Berkeley, Ca

#7 Leaf of The Day
December 7th, 2017
Stockton, California





Mood:Worried
~Me





 

Saturday, November 25, 2017

The Beautiful Sadness

'
"Autumn is the time of year when Mother Nature says,
 "Look how easy, how healthy, 
and how beautiful letting go can be.'"

~Toni Sorenson

I have the hardest time letting go! Letting go of places I have lived, pets and friends when they have passed on, ideas that never quite came to fruition, even restaurants that I have loved, that have eventually closed, and TV shows that get cancelled! You name it, I don't like to let go of it! Every single year, I have the same melancholy feeling from the day after Halloween, that stays with me until at least a couple months into winter! I go out and continue to look for leaves, until I photograph the very last one I find, because knowing it is the last one, makes it all the more lovely, even if it's less than perfect!

Obsession much? Perhaps, but it does something else for me, it gives me time outside with the camera, and it keeps me focused on life away from the things that scare me, like whatever the next scary thought our president has, that I have no control of! There is nothing I can do about his decisions. Nothing. So searching for leaves, gives me a nice respite from worrying. If I don't find autumn leaves in late December, it's okay, because I might find something completely unrelated to autumn, that will encourage or inspire me. So no worries!

I have depression. It's that simple, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Like I said a few posts back, it had been in remission for about 20 years, but it's back now, and it's been good for me to get out with the camera. I am going to do that as much as possible, but I wish autumn would hang on a little longer, because it brings some beauty to the sadness, and makes me a better photographer. I know when I accept that fact that autumn is gone for another year, I have done my best to capture it's beauty forever in my photos. All the life affirming beauty of autumn leaves, reminds me that there is an unmistakable beauty in letting go, and moving on. 

The end of autumn, gives me a beautiful sadness, 
but it's important keep moving forward. 

#25 Leaf Of The Day
November 25th, 2017
Apple Hill, Camino, California 

 Mood: Quiet
~Me

Friday, November 17, 2017

Laughing And Crying In Autumn

Carson City, Nevada
October 22nd, 2016

"Autumn has come
and reason has gone.
Yesterday, I sold the sun for you
and tonight the stars are running
 When you first spoke
you slowly annihilated my world. 

Your mouth was like the sea...
in your kisses I sank.
Your hands were the Ocean...
in your caresses I sank.
I ask for no salvation on this moonless night
I only ask for more autumn."

~Kamand Kojouri


The photo at the top of this post, was taken on October 22nd, 2016, in Carson City, Nevada. The color around the Sierra was at it's peak, and down in Carson City it was no different! Autumn last year, was so alive with color, that in my imagination it seemed like if I stood very still, I could almost hear the season laughing out loud! I know, I am a bit unreasonable when it comes to autumn, but autumn is as much a part of me, as my arms, legs, and especially my eyes! And no one loves a good deep laugh as much as I do!God knows I stumble enough through life, making goofy mistakes, that I can safely say, I laugh at my own mistakes several times a week!

Fate gave me a sense of humor, and a love of photography, reading, and I am a bit of a joker. I like making others, and myself, laugh. It's good for them, and it's good for me! But mostly, I enjoy sharing my photography, and sharing the things that I see that touch my soul! I think if fate ever really got mad at me, it would take my eyesight, so I wouldn't be able to see another autumn or flower, or bird. So, I try to be good to others, and live a quiet life, although I get a little pissed off on social media from time to time, but I am not alone in that. These are trying times, and it feels like America is at it's lowest point, of my lifetime. So many things have changed, especially since the 2016 election. But I guess my assessment is true or false, depending on who you ask. 

The photo below was taken on November 6th, 2017. A little over a year after the first one. When it comes to autumn, a few weeks can make a big difference. We had a storm come through around the first of November, and the first bit of cold wind, rain and snow came down in Northern California, the Western Sierra, and all the way down to Carson City. It was a fast moving storm, but a potent one, that dropped a lot of leaves! Some trees fared better than others. There were a few around Carson City still full, and lush with leaves, but others looked like like skeletons, sad and ready for their winter shrouds to cover them.

As much as I love the leaves that covered the trees in the 2016 photograph, the 2017 photograph touched my mood with much greater accuracy, as to reflect how I feel inside right now. I am ready for winter in my soul. This year has been such a dark, cold place with Trump in office, that sometimes I feel inside, like those cold dark branches, waiting for the winter to come tell me it's okay to sleep for a while, to give me the energy, to move forward.

There are three seasons just waiting to have their time, and I have to endure them, somehow, to end up back in autumn, where I am at my happiest, and most content. With a little luck perhaps all this madness will be behind us a year from now, at least I hope so, and if so, maybe the autumn leaves will be laughing once again. One year I was finding autumn leaves in March, sharing tree branches with blossoms! Wouldn't that be nice to see again?

Carson City, Nevada
November 6th, 2017

"You make autumn mist taste like champagne
and turn winter rain into the elixir of life itself."

~Sanober Khan



Leaves And Blossoms
March 25th, 2013
Cull Canyon, California

#17 Leaf Of The Day
November 17th, 2017
 Cull Canyon, California


Mood: Inspired
~Me :)


Friday, November 03, 2017

The Darkness Comes


Autumnal

Pale amber sunlight falls across
the reddening October trees, that
hardly sway before a breeze as soft as summer;
summers loss seems little, dear! On days like these.

Let misty autumn be our part!
The twilight of the year is sweet:
Where shadow and darkness meet
Our love, a twilight of the heart
Eludes a little time's deceit.

Are we not better and at home
In dreamful Autumn, we who dream
No harvest joy is worth a dream?
A little while and night shall come,
A little while, then, let us dream.

Beyond the pearled horizons lie
Winter and night: awaiting these
We garner this poor hour of ease, 
Until love turn from us and die
beneath the drear November trees."

By
Ernest Dowson
The Poems And Prose Of Ernest Dowson


I am in a dark mood. The whole world feels upside down. Politics on an average year can be challenging to process, and almost expected, but as we approach the one year mark of the 2016 election I feel tired, scared, and sometimes it's like I am not really alive. It's so surreal to learn of the first criminal charges of the Trump administration, in what will probably end up being the first true case of treason by an American president in our history. Shrug. Who knows? I know the fall of an American presidency is nothing to cheer about, but when this mess does fall, I hope it will be a relief and not just the beginning of an even more terrifying time. 

And then there is the fall of man. No, not that fall. And I am not referring to us being in the middle of autumn, no I am talking about the almost daily revelation that celebrities. Journalists, Bloggers and all across professional spectrum exists a culture of rape and sexual assault, that I had NO idea existed. I thought for years, that I was mostly alone in the darkness in all that's happened to me, throughout my life, but no, quite to the contrary... I am far from alone. And that is just one more thing, in an already terrifying world I find myself in that is so disappointing and surreal, that I am finding it difficult to be anything but depressed most of the time.

I miss truly boring days.
I miss truly average days.
I miss my life making sense.
I miss... me.

This autumn feels like a deeper death. 
A death of not just another year, but a death of life as we knew it.
American normalcy.
American values.
Or maybe the myth.

But tomorrow, I will be out again with my camera, in hopes of holding onto the last of what makes me feel alive. Clinging to the colors, of the death of another year, which in the past, brought hope for a new beginning, but now only serves as a chilling reminder that sometimes death is forever. Sometimes things don't come back. Sometimes there is no natural corrective. And the wind and rain and snow coming into Northern California beginning tomorrow only puts a deeper chill to the whole feeling of the surreal existence of truth. 

#3 Leaf Of The Day
October 3rd, 2017
Little Farm
Berkeley, California 
Mood: Sad
~Me