Love Love Is The Best Time Of Day

 

My kitty was pure love. I will speak more about Hendrix soon, but right now, I just can't. His passing came quite suddenly last Monday morning, and I just need to catch my breath. I was incredibly lucky to know him, and be his mother. He always let me know. I was loved.

 

I miss you, Love Love.

 

 

 

 

 

Cathy And Kate

 

Sometimes, there is no quote that will fit the horrors

 of the moment we find ourselves living in.

 

But...

 

"We're all gonna to die!" 

~Kate Dibiasky

Don't Look Up

 

 

 

 

 

I stand with Ukraine, Greenland, Gaza, Canada

 and any other country Trump has threatened.

 

 I'm going to take a nap now.

 

 

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #71

 

The Passing

 by Stewart Stafford

In the gorgeous death of Autumn,
Tree-bowed alms for the wind,
Sacrificing eye-catching features,
Now primed for Winter, skinned.

Organic shaded palaces looted,
Shells of once-shimmering things,
Shorn of their prettified plumage,
Until born again the following Spring.

Everything is recycled in Nature,
Dead leaves compost the soil,
Turning wheel of rampant Summer,
No memories in the humid broil.

 

 

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #65

 

“I’m just here for the autumn leaves and cozy sweaters.”

 

 ~Unknown

 

Sometimes I think that's why I am here on earth. To save in time, through photography, 90 or so autumn leaves. But I do enjoy everything about autumn, the migrating birds, the cozy sweaters, the holiday food and drinks and the comfy warm blankets. It's a whole life, lived in just about three months, although I start a little early, and leave a little late. And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

How can it already be November 25th?

 

 

Saying Goodbye To Summer

 

“Nothing ever really goes away--it just changes into something else. Something beautiful.”

~Sarah Ockler

  Twenty Boy Summer

 

On one of the last nights of seeing the bats fly from underneath the Franklin blvd bridge, a single crispy brown cottonwood leaf feel gently onto the wall next to me. There was a stunning sunset, and a few early bats were flying about, which all made for quite a magical night. With the night coming sooner, and the bat population waning, and a dry leaf, it was apparent it was the end of summer. I didn't need a calendar, because autumn was mostly in the air, but celebrating it early just seems wrong this year, so I held onto the photo until now. I am not feeling rushed the way I have in the past. Dylan's passing made me realize just how fast 16 years goes by. Don't take any single day for granted. Anyway, this is my tribute to the end of summer. It was hot this summer. Really hot. But here, in the last days, the temperature has turned and I have an extra blanket standing by. If I had to lose my boy, I am glad he left me in summer. You see, I need fall this year to be a gentle distraction. My grief is deep, and the election is coming, and there is a lot to unpack about everything, but for now, I am living in this moment. One moment at a time. One emotion at a time. One broken heart at a time.

The very first, Leaf Of The Day, photo posts on Sunday! Don't forget!

 

Goodbye Super Kitty

 

"There will come a day, I promise you,when the thought of your son or daughter, wife or husband brings a smile to your lips before it brings tears to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day comes sooner than later."

 

~Joe Biden

 

I said goodbye to Dylan yesterday. He died peacefully and we loved and loved each other deeply, as we made eye contact with each other, as he began to slip away. I always knew he would need me at the end, just as he needed me when we made eye contact when I first met him. We always needed each other. And we were there for each other throughout the years. He made me laugh, oh my god how he could piss me off, but he was also a lot of fun to snuggle with, and we shared biscuits with butter. He loved butter. He had a full personality, sometimes he was Dillybean, other times he was Mr. Pissypants!He was complicated, but we found our way. Eventually, in 2020, he began to have health problems, and the end came when he was 16 years old. That's 81 in cat years. He lived a long safe life with us, and his brothers, Hendrix and Joey. There is never a good time to say goodbye, and I will miss him forever. But he lives deep in my heart, and one day we will see each other again, and we will play our favorite game, Super Kitty. 

 

Super kittttty. He flies to the east, and he flies to the west.

 

Heee's Supppper Kitty

 

Goodnight my baby.

 

 

 

You Are The Love/Hate You Give

 

Donald posted this nasty message on his Truth Social website this morning, and later in the day this happened...

 

Yep, that's right, there has been a second attempt at an assassination of Donald Trump. It was just about two months ago that the last one took place. Make no mistake, I do not condone political violence, in any way, but somehow when I heard the news that there had been a shooting in Florida, at this golf course, it didn't even particularly raise my interest, but throughout the day I have checked on the details, but it's just really hard to care about what happens next. This should be a time to celebrate our freedoms in America, we are about to enjoy our most precious act as American's... voting. But every day he, and J. D. Vance find new darker roads to take us down. Just this morning J.D. Vance admitted to making up stories and sharing them with constituents and the media for political gain. It's sick. And how can we not expect their actions to not effect folks who are perhaps mentally ill, and needing help? No one is safe in this political climate. I don't love what happened today, but nothing will surprise me when I wake up tomorrow. That's what he's done to us. We are all numb.

 

 And this stupid shit doesn't help either!

 

 

Working My Way Through It

 

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are

 deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 

~Laurell K. Hamilton,

  Mistral's Kiss

 

I am just going to jump right in here... I am moving along with my grieving just fine. I think I have experienced all 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally, Acceptance. My niece, my nephew and my sister died last year, as did a very nice man, Treat Williams, who I considered a Twitter friend. He was a man who cared deeply about the well being of others, and that is extremely rare in the times we are living in. It all happened last year, but well under a year ago, so while I have dealt and moved on with four of the five stages, I am still dealing with one, the sadness or depression, or whatever label you want to assign to it. I still have sudden thoughts, or memories of those I lost, including Treat. I miss them all. I miss Treat for his compassion and ability to see the glass half-full and my family for a lot of complicated reasons, but mostly the good times we shared.

 

 I have been spending a lot more time by myself, watching old movies, reading, and I like some computer games. The meeting at the democratic club in Lodi went very well, in fact we plan on becoming members, so I think that was a healthy move, more on that later. Like I said, life is moving on, but the depression remains. But I am not completely lost. I have my photography and I have my birds. Some of my beautiful beautiful Sandhill crane remain along Woodbridge road, and they are great for erasing sadness from my heart and mind. I am going to need my photography more than ever as we move throughout this year because of the upcoming election. Trump will only get more and more irritating, scary and embarrassing as we move closer to November. I am truly going to need my birds and my photography, just to keep my sanity.

 

My photography is beginning to reflect my moods, although I guess it always did to a degree. Anyway, I hope to heal in a steady manner, but one thing you cannot do, when it comes to depression, is will it to go away. You have to try your best to not let it consume you, and you have to remind yourself of what you are grateful for. Embrace what you love and don't let go. When the Sandhill crane finally move on, I will search out the Bonaparte's gull or the Caspian tern, and look forward to the crane's return next September. I will be on Woodbridge road, around the 15th of September, with a packed lunch, a pair of binoculars and my ears listening for the sound of a quaint old rocking chair, creaking across the sky. You can hear it from a mile away!

 

Donald Trump? Donald Trump who? 

 

 “That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight.

 But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” 

~Elizabeth Wurtzel

  Prozac Nation

 

My nephew committed suicide last July. Please, if you are contemplating ending your life, or even if you are not thinking about suicide but are depressed, there are resources available. Please contact the National Suicide And Crisis Helpline. Call or Text 988 to reach someone 24/7. Please reach out.

 

Power Lunches

 

“Pull up a chair. Take a taste. Come join us.

 Life is so endlessly delicious.” 

~Ruth Reichl 

 

Here is the downside to birding, occasionally you come across the circle of life on full display. Hey, they do the clean up, and all of it fits together in the greater scheme of things, but oh my, my heart breaks for the animal that was hit by a car, or a bird that may have been affected by the recent bird influenza, that has been affecting the ducks, geese and other migratory species. Sigh. The lack of huge number of birds everywhere, drives home the scary point that a life without birds could be an eventuality. If you look at the reported declines in different bird species, due to both environmental factors and disease, it's not just depressing, but deeply concerning for our future. But on this day, this pair of turkey vultures was doing their thing, and that is a good thing!

16,990

 

“Be skeptical, ask questions, demand proof. Demand evidence. Don't take anything for granted. But here's the thing: When you get proof, you need to accept the proof. And we're not that good at doing that.”

 
~Michael Specter 

 

17, 990 people died because of Donald Trump. THIS DRUG DID NOT AND WOULD NOT WORK! I knew it then, and I know it now, and so does everyone else, well, not the dead obviously. Donald John Trump is a fucking, opportunistic MONSTER, and I just know if he is reelected he will cause even more folks to lose their lives. I pray that those going to the polls next November will remember not just him telling a frightened America to drink bleach, but that he encouraged American's to take Hydroxychloroquine when he knew there was NO PROOF it would be effective against Covid-19. 

 

 "What do you have to lose? Take it."

 

~Donald John Trump

May 18th 2020

 

When was Trump diagnosed with Covid-19?

Friday October 2nd 2020

 

Please read the article in Politico.

 

And then watch the video below.

 

Here is the current trends from the CDC data tracker. Please check it out. Please Mask up. Please seriously consider getting you vaccinations caught up. 

Here is a map of states with the highest Covid rates.

Newsweek

 

 

Please take care of yourselves. We all have the information at this point, don't get complacent. Don't think for a moment this thing is gone. It's not. It continues to mutate, and it will do so for years. I am fairly sure I only have about 15 visitors, give or take, but I care about all of you. I don't need a big audience. I am just grateful for all who visit my posts. 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

An Afternoon With A Green Heron And His Friend

“I tell myself relationships are hard work. No one is perfect.

 There's no such thing as happily ever after.” 

― Laura Nowlin,

  If He Had Been with Me

 

 

I met this guy at the Clifton Court Forebay the other day. I went there to search for ducks and grebes, and I found some, but not in any great numbers. All I saw was a couple Bufflehead and some Ring-necked ducks. There was a few Egrets, but nothing in any great numbers. So I was pleasantly surprised when this gorgeous little bird flew over, and began fishing along the rocks. After a few minutes of searching he found a snack, and as intrigued and impressed as I was, I found I was equally sad for the poor little fish that was about to be swallowed whole. None of it gets any easier. Go for birding with the camera, hoping for an interesting photo that highlights a bird's life, and you many very well come home with beautiful but depressing photo of how all life really works. If only all animals, sea life, and birds were vegetarians! But then again, my friend Boris The Spider would end up a lot bigger! 

 

The Green Heron wasn't the only one fishing that day...

 

Western Grebe and it's lunch of Black Bass

  What a day at the Clifton Court Forebay!

 

 "Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?”

 
~Robert Frost,

   The Poetry of Robert Frost

 

 

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #41

 

“Autumn is a poem - while you fall for everything,

 you remember that there is something worth dying for.”
~Laura Chouette 

 

Gold is a prevalent color among the leaves this year. I know, I know, that's not particularly unusual for leaves, but I have seen some years where this type of leaf, the Eucalyptus, showed off more of it's blue green color or even it's light lavender, rather than bright gold. It's all good, but show me the lavender! That is what makes my heart jump! 

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #31

 

“Their leafy whispers delighted her, and she promised her confidentiality by gently touching the trunks of both trees. They had held her secrets close to their hearts, she could do no less.” 

~Jesikah Sundin,

  Legacy

 

Have you ever just stopped in autumn and listened to the sound of leaves as they glide to the earth? It is music. And it isn't a mere instrumental, it has lyrics too! It's a love song one minute, and the next a marching band. Mostly though, it whispers of love and the joys of a life lived to the fullest. Of no moment left unnoticed and no season taken for granted. I wish I would have lived my life with as much grace as a tree does. I wish I would have allowed myself to learn the timely lessons of letting go, and the healing and renewal that comes from it.

 

 

Thank You, President Biden

 

“Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love,

 something to hope for.” 

~Joe Biden,

  Promise Me, Dad: A Year of Hope, Hardship, and Purpose

 

 Thank You, President Biden

Sticks And Stones

 

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

 
~Albert Einstein 

 

Hundreds Killed. President Biden will arrive in Israel in a couple hours, to meet with Benjamin Netanyahu and to, I assume, try to lessen tensions. But with this event having taken place, I am not sure it will happen. Nothing is inevitable, but it seems like we are closer to catastrophe, than understanding and resolve.

 I pray for the president's safety.

 I pray that he can help make this stop.

 

 My faith is in him.

 

Shadows

 

“That country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain.”

 
~Ray Bradbury 

 

I decided to do two versions. I really liked the way the plant in the color version looked with the shadows across from it, but it was late in the day, and the color was not photographing very well. So two versions it is! Both have a vibe all their own, so I just suppose it depends on mood. At the moment I am leaning toward black and white. I am in a quiet mood. Not depressed, just quiet. I am a bit weary. With the brewing war in the Middle East, a difficult summer has carried it's cruelty into Autumn. I dunno, maybe that was why Autumn gave me the gift of beginning early. The Autumn sun was beginning in the first week of August. We found 2 Snow geese at the Cosumnes River, Desmond road, but they shouldn't have been there for a couple months or so. Just stuff like that. Shrug. But here we are. A cruel middle east, and me missing my niece and nephew so much I can barely breathe. God I feel old. I guess that's why the shadows appealed to me so much. In both color and black & white. Both versions definitely say Autumn to me.

I am okay. Just weary.

You Expected To Be Sad In The Fall

 

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person died for no reason.”
 

― Ernest Hemingway,

 

  A Moveable Feast

 

We are barely into Autumn, and look at all that amazing pallet of colors! I am afraid I will need to be gathering leaves a lot earlier for my project, because I think the leaves will all be gone before Thanksgiving. I hope not. I love it when leaves continue late into the year, it just makes everything so festive. The color of the leaves, and then the colors of Christmas and New Year's. Unfortunately, I don't write the book, Mother Nature does, I better gather them and save all the beauty I can now, after all next year we will be in the middle of yet another national election, where Donald Trump is running for president, and I know my mood will deep and probably dark. Let's say it, I will be depressed. It's a depressing situation. And a scary one too. But that is a year away, there is no way to really plan for it, I can only plan for the leaves next year, and hope for the best on all other matters.

When I look at those colors, and hear the sound of migrating geese, I feel calm and peaceful inside. Life is good. But lately, beginning over the summer, I start to feel especially anxious. Racing thoughts and memories, and I haven't been sleeping well. My therapist and doctor have tried adjusting my medications, and none of what we have tried has done much for my sleeping. In the past I would take a Valium when DT would trigger some anxiety for me, but Kaiser doesn't want to prescribe Valium anymore because it is now considered "the big bad" due to it's addictiveness and America's past of over prescribing it. So, what would ordinarily help me stop the anxiety in the moment, and lead to a better pattern of sleep, is not available, but boy are they willing to put me on other drugs, antidepressants mostly, that don't work as efficiently as what I know does. Not everyone's body or psychological dispositions are the same, but Kaiser has always tended toward treating everyone the same. Like whats being done with my codeine. 

We do indeed have an opioid epidemic in America. Lots of tragedy has taken place, and with the synthetic drug Fentanyl on the street, which only takes one pill to kill you, in some instances, things have gotten pulled back dramatically for folks with chronic pain. When one guy does it, we all get blamed, shamed and otherwise punished. So, there is nothing I can do but wait for the grief to pass, pretend the chronic physical pain isn't there, accept not sleeping, and hope the temporary highs of visiting parks looking for leaves, and wildlife reserves looking for birds, will give me something to focus on as opposed to drowning in anxiety and sadness. And I have to admit, my doctor did suggest an over the counter option, Melatonin for sleep. I tried it, and to my surprise it does help me sleep somewhat better. So, there you have it. Life is never just about one thing, right? It's all an adventure. At least this chapter is being written in Autumn, when love and beauty is all around me.

Weariness Or Witherings

 

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness or witherings, of tarnishing."

 

~Anais Nin

 

None of their deaths were natural. All came too soon.

 

RIP

Jessica

Ralph jr.

And their mother, my sister, Bonny.

 

I can't share my grief right now, it's too deep and dark to share here. Mostly I don't anymore. I am processing it inside. And that's okay. This blog is my happy place, even when I am pissed or scared or bored. But grieving... no. That is just for me to deal with. I can, and probably will, share little tidbits on how it is processing through, here and there, but summer is over next week, and I want to have this autumn for me, filled with new leaves, new birds, hopefully, and my new office, which is almost finished! My therapist says I need to begin the hard work. The moving on part. The facing each day part. The letting go part. I am trying.

There I said everything out loud.

And I am okay.

Right?