Working My Way Through It

 

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are

 deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 

~Laurell K. Hamilton,

  Mistral's Kiss

 

I am just going to jump right in here... I am moving along with my grieving just fine. I think I have experienced all 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally, Acceptance. My niece, my nephew and my sister died last year, as did a very nice man, Treat Williams, who I considered a Twitter friend. He was a man who cared deeply about the well being of others, and that is extremely rare in the times we are living in. It all happened last year, but well under a year ago, so while I have dealt and moved on with four of the five stages, I am still dealing with one, the sadness or depression, or whatever label you want to assign to it. I still have sudden thoughts, or memories of those I lost, including Treat. I miss them all. I miss Treat for his compassion and ability to see the glass half-full and my family for a lot of complicated reasons, but mostly the good times we shared.

 

 I have been spending a lot more time by myself, watching old movies, reading, and I like some computer games. The meeting at the democratic club in Lodi went very well, in fact we plan on becoming members, so I think that was a healthy move, more on that later. Like I said, life is moving on, but the depression remains. But I am not completely lost. I have my photography and I have my birds. Some of my beautiful beautiful Sandhill crane remain along Woodbridge road, and they are great for erasing sadness from my heart and mind. I am going to need my photography more than ever as we move throughout this year because of the upcoming election. Trump will only get more and more irritating, scary and embarrassing as we move closer to November. I am truly going to need my birds and my photography, just to keep my sanity.

 

My photography is beginning to reflect my moods, although I guess it always did to a degree. Anyway, I hope to heal in a steady manner, but one thing you cannot do, when it comes to depression, is will it to go away. You have to try your best to not let it consume you, and you have to remind yourself of what you are grateful for. Embrace what you love and don't let go. When the Sandhill crane finally move on, I will search out the Bonaparte's gull or the Caspian tern, and look forward to the crane's return next September. I will be on Woodbridge road, around the 15th of September, with a packed lunch, a pair of binoculars and my ears listening for the sound of a quaint old rocking chair, creaking across the sky. You can hear it from a mile away!

 

Donald Trump? Donald Trump who? 

 

 “That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight.

 But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” 

~Elizabeth Wurtzel

  Prozac Nation

 

My nephew committed suicide last July. Please, if you are contemplating ending your life, or even if you are not thinking about suicide but are depressed, there are resources available. Please contact the National Suicide And Crisis Helpline. Call or Text 988 to reach someone 24/7. Please reach out.

 

Grieving In Autumn

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all."

~Stanley Horowitz

My favorite autumn trees are in a small, quiet park in the East Bay, and nothing makes me happier than grabbing a lunch and spending a little time there, just walking among the leaves and photographing as many of them as I can. It's a little more difficult now that I am living in Stockton, but while Alan and I were on vacation I managed to visit there a couple times. And I will continue to through the remainder of this autumn season, but I know that it isn't healthy to allow my grieving of my life in the East Bay to keep me from exploring new autumn sights here and in neighboring Sacramento. In fact, I just found out that Sacramento is known as the City Of Trees, and puts on quite a show of autumn leaves, so I really need to broaden my thinking, as I move through the five stages of grief. Believe it or not, those stages apply to anything in life that passes away, including the loss of a place you have lived your whole life. I miss the East Bay so much my heart aches, but at least we are in autumn as I grieve, because it's those leaves and the cool days that always guides me back to feeling alive. Strange... in that autumn is all about the final burst of life of each year. 

Leaf Of The Day

November 4th 2015

Mood: Quiet

 ~Me :)

Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test and that teaches you a lesson."

-Tom Bodett

Hi everyone. :) Before I get too far into this entry, I want to thank everyone who sent me an email, or left me their condolences. It meant a lot to me. I have made some amazing friends here in the Blogsphere, and I am thankful for all of you. I have lost folks I cared about before, some here in the land, some in the entertainment industry, some family members, but Darryl's death hit me harder then any of the others. I still miss those I have lost, and now Darryl is on the list, and somehow it just still seems so surreal. I can feel the tears welling up, even as I write this. I still just don't really understand why and how he could possibly be gone.

I was planning to comeback to blogging late last week. Well, late last week came and went, and I still wasn't ready. Then I set a goal for Monday or Tuesday, and they both came and went, and I still couldn't put into words what I wanted to say. Sigh. I was thrilled that Hillary Clinton did so well in the last round of primaries, but I couldn't blog about it. However, I have a very good friend who kept me going in emails, by asking my opinions about the primary... thank you so much Duane... that correspondence was good for me.

H.P. also came by for our usual Text Message gab fest, which was also a big part of my being able to get back up again. Both of these good friends helped me to focus a bit on something else even for just a little while. Thank you so much. H.P. doesn't blog, or I would send you his way, because he is a great guy and you would love him. Duane does blog, and if you haven't read his writing, you must not miss it. He is one of my oldest friends from my AOL days. He is a smart man, and smart writer, and truly... you should go give him a read. He best writer who you might not have discovered yet. You can find him here. Go, see for yourself!

Yesterday morning I was sure I was ready to comeback, but when I got up, and began reading emails, I saw one from my pal Don, who told me that the man who owns the property I live on, passed away last weekend. His was not a sudden death, he had been very ill with cancer and heart problems for a long, long time. I was always so sad about that, because he was a really wonderful man. He had a great sense of humor, which he always put forth even when he was facing something difficult. I liked him from the first time I met him, and was so thankful for how good he treated Alan, Elvis and myself. I will miss him so much, and yeah, I have been doing a large amount of crying in the last 24 hours, but I think later this month, I am going to plant a tree in the yard for him. I wouldn't have this place, had it not been for him.

I find myself missing voices. I talked to Darryl last Thanksgiving, and I remember our conversation, and the smile in his voice. I am thinking about my landlord, and the last time we talked. He was concerned with how I was. Here he was facing so much serious illness, and he kept asking me about me, and how I was doing. How could he have died at 60. He was such a vibrant man. It's hard to know that I have to take both these men out of my phone, sometime in the next little while, and I think it will open up whatever healing I have gotten done. I don't know, maybe I should do it pretty soon so it doesn't prolong things. Maybe I will do that later this weekend, but...sigh... I just wish they were both still there.

There is a Round Robin challenge this weekend, which I really thank God for. I want to support the Robins, so missing it really wasn't an option. I have my entry all ready and I will upload it later today, so all I have to do is visit the Robins tomorrow and enjoy their beautiful creativity. It means a lot to me that we have such wonderful photographers willing to show off their talent. If you like taking photos, and haven't joined us for a challenge, please do sometime. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to own an uber-camera, in fact, you can scan old photos and use them in your entry. We just want your company, and to see what you see with the camera. :) Our current challenge is "A Nice Place To Sit." If you can't join us this time, maybe you will be able to sometime in the future. I hope so.

Well, that's about it for now. I am taking life really slowly, and I will have more to share about what I have been doing to take care of myself, over the next couple weeks or so. I have found some really positive outlets for my grief, but as you know, grief cannot be rushed. It just flows at it's own pace. So, what's a girl to do? Well, she keeps her friends close, she cries when she feels like it, she eats her veggies, and she does her best to get up everyday, and move forward. Life does that, it moves you forward, but it's up to us to decided the quality of it.

-OndineMonet
"Spring Life"
Union City, California
March 1st, 2008
Afternoon

I Miss You Already Darryl

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

-Wil Shriner

The stupidest things happen sometimes. Like when someone you love completely suddenly dies on you, and you are left asking all those stupid questions the inevitably come time to mind. Alan and I got a phone call this morning, and my heart immediately broke. My brother-in-law passed away yesterday... at the age of 50.

Darryl was my brother-in-law in reality, but in affection he was my brother. He was my pal, and someone I could always, always, count on for support and love when I needed it. He lived clear across the country from me, and we haven't been in the same room together in years, but we could pick up the phone and instantly be in each others hug. He made me laugh, and he taught me to make some kick ass salsa, and he was my friend.

What will I do without Darryl? What will we do without Darryl? Right now I can't stop sobbing. So, I am taking some time off from blogging until I can make sense out of what I am feeling inside. I need to take care of Alan, and help him through the loss of a brother he loved so much. I will take care of each other. I always thought that someday we would retire and move closer to Darryl and his wife. Now he is gone. So suddenly. What are we going to do without Darryl?

-OndineMonet
Mt. Hamilton,
San Jose, California
February, 2007
Morning

Watching The Tree

"People in suburbia see trees differently than foresters do. They cherish every one. It us useless to speak of the probability that a certain tree will die when the tree is in someones backyard. You are talking about a personal asset, a friend, a monument, not about board feet of lumber."

-Roger Swain

I think I have already fallen in love with this tree. It is so pretty. I found it in my new favorite haunt, Tilden Park, in the Padre picnic area. Last year I found an absolutely gorgeous tree in Cull Canyon, and I tracked it's progress through most of the winter. Autumn in California, didn't seem to end in December. The Cull Canyon tree had autumn leaves well into March. It was like autumn had somehow refused to give up. On one hand, I found it so soothing to be able to take a short drive to the canyon, and be instantly near my favorite season, especially just after the first of the year, when nothing seemed like it was going right. I went there often, to get away from my own thoughts, and to get lost in my photography. Before I knew it, spring had arrived, and the last of those autumn leaves had finally fallen.

I can't believe 2007 has moved as fast as it has, considering how January never seemed to end. I was really sad when 2007 began, and now, despite everything that has happened this year, I am feeling very nearly back to normal. Sometimes, when your heart is so broken it is in shards, you really do just need to stop looking at how long it is taking to heal, and just focus on each day just as it comes, with no expectations. Earlier this year I talked a little about how much I had hated this year, and how I wouldn't miss it when the new year comes, but now I can look back, and I see all that pain with such clarity. Like when you have cried and cried, and then when you are all cried out, and you take a deep breath, and suddenly... you just feel relieved. Yes, that is my mindset now. Relieved. Grief has 5 stages, Denial, Bargaining, Sadness, Anger, and finally... Acceptance. The nice thing about acceptance, is that it is what lasts forever, not the sadness.

My 2006 Trees

"The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity, and some see scarce see nature at ll. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself."

-William Blake, 1779, The Letters

-OndineMonet
Cull Canyon Park/Tilden Park
Castro Valley/Berkeley
Late Autumn/Early Winter 2006