Ellipsis At 23

 

Free Pexel Image (PerfectMom)

"Your life is a movie. You are the main character. You say your scripts and act your lines. Of course you do your lines in each scene. There is a hidden camera and director who you can ask for help, any time from up above."

~ Happy Positivity

Can it be? 23 years has passed so quickly! I kinda have to pinch myself. I was able to keep this blog going, despite making several social media exoduses and through any number of high stress situations both in the new, and in real life! I don't mind admitting, I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am keeping my commitment to keep myself sane. I am keeping my commitment to writing Ellipsis, because it is the story of me. It is 23 years out of my life. I haven't shared every inch and dusty corner, but I have shared what has been the most profound moments. Moves from hell, assorted cats, Trump drama, beautiful gardens, my wonderful birds. My first, second and third Mini Coopers. Movies. Twitter friends come and gone, my autumn leaf collections. You know... life. My life! This year, I am especially proud of this blog, because for the first time, in a long time, I didn't take spring and most of summer off! I feel good about that!

Onward!

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #88

"Each falling leaf is an act of surrender,

 teaching us to release the old to make way for new beginnings.

~Unknown

It's difficult to post autumn leaves, while grieving the loss of Rob Reiner and his wife. There has been a lot of tragedy this autumn, a lot of deaths. I am not sure what I would have done without my new kittens, who fill our home with joyful life! Ommie used to say, "and this too shall pass" and I have lived long enough to know it's true. The autumn leaves have brought so much color, to an otherwise dark and tearful time. Autumn heals me, and this year it is leaving way too soon, and I will grieve it's loss too, but winter will actually help me heal, by giving me some quiet, black and white photography time, to reemerge into the colors of spring.

Spring, Yet Autumn Too

 

“She turned to the sunlight
    And shook her yellow head,
And whispered to her neighbor:
    "Winter is dead.”

 ~ A.A. Milne,

  When We Were Very Young

 

 “There's a promise between
beginnings and end.
And, there's a hope between
end and beginnings..!!"

O' Autumn, you'll never stop,
singing your sanguine songs.”

 
~Monika Ajay Kaul

 

I found this photo, while rummaging through my photo files from last April. I didn't post it at the time because I was feeling less than enthusiastic about everything. Yes, everything! The election had been rough, and I caught Covid-19  in December. Dylan passed away, and Hendrix was having some problems with grief and age. Last spring seemed black and white most of the time. But one day I was out with Alan, enjoying a walk through the Cosumnes River Preserve, I saw this blossoms beauty, but I don't think I grasped the bigger picture. I took that picture, because the blossom's colors remind me of autumn. Through all the sadness, I knew deep down that autumn would eventually come, and despite everything, I would feel better again, and I do. We are only a little ways in, and it's been incredibly magical. Marin county was stunning the other day, and we added 5 new birds to our album for this year, and one to our life list! Needless to say, Bodega Bay was... fabulous! Pictures to be posted soon! And we are planning a lot more trips. One for next week, fingers crossed. I am not mentioning where we are going, it seems like every time I do, something happens and we end up not going. So, you'll just have to keep visiting Ellipsis to find out where I am gallivanting off to next!

 

And there's a lot more to come!  

 

 

 

 

  

I Miss You, Baby

 "What greater gift, than the love of a cat?

 

~Charles Dickens

 

I loved Dylan so much! I cannot believe he passed over the rainbow bridge a year ago today. He was my soul mate. No one, human or otherwise, loved me as purely as he did. He was soft, and cuddly. He loved nom-noms, and anything that contained butter! He talked to me, and did weird things with his poop. He was difficult, yet self correcting at times. He was complicated, and yet the simplest cats I have ever known. He sang twice a day, just before sunrise and again, just before sundown. Out of the three cats I owned, he was the best behaved in the car, when we needed to check in with Dr. Barrett. It's a 60 mile trip round trip, and he wouldn't complain a bit, he just relaxed and enjoyed the ride! His nicknames were, Mr. Pissypants, Dillybean, Old Bean, Corn Muffin, The Baby, and believe me, he lived up to all those names. And if those weren't enough names for him, his middle name was Andrew!

 

Dylan was my child. And I miss him so much. He was a force of nature.

 

And he loved me. 

 

I miss you, baby. 

 

 

 

Autumn Leaf Of The Day #26/Fallen Leaves

 

"The trees are about to show us how to be

 gracefully strong in the face of change.” 

~Unknown

 

 I will never see enough of autumn. I miss my little autumn leaf.

I love you, Dylan.  

 

Happy Easter 2024

 

Easter is…
Joining in a birdsong,
Eying an early sunrise,
Smelling yellow daffodils,
Unbolting windows and doors,
Skipping through meadows,
Cuddling newborns,
Hoping, believing,
Reviving spent life,
Inhaling fresh air,
Sprinkling seeds along furrows,
Tracking in the mud.
Easter is the soul’s first taste of spring.

~Richelle E. Goodrich

 

  Making Wishes: Quotes, Thoughts, & a Little Poetry for Every Day of the Year

 

I am a person of faith, and I don't speak about it much here because my faith is too personal to expose it to the ugliness of social media, but all the blessings you see listed above, and more, is because of God, and his son Jesus Christ. If you aren't a person of faith, I stand by you, I will not try to change you or your values in any way, you have my respect in your values, but on this one day, allow me to share the part of me that I keep to myself. My faith. Believe me, I have felt God's love and empathy in this past year, as I have navigated the death of my sister, niece and nephew. It helped me get back up from my depression and I am beginning to move on. I think about them every day, but the lingering sadness isn't lingering as much anymore. I hate this last part of letting go, because then they will really be gone, but there is a strength in all this, and it has come through really hard work, and God being there every step of the way!

 

 And by the way, Joe Biden is right...

“There will come a day, I promise you, when the thought of your son, or daughter, or your wife or your husband, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.”

~Joe Biden

 

Happy Easter to you and your family.

I hope your day is filled with love, warmth,

 and every blessing and kindness too.

 Never forget the strength of kindness.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself.

 

Drab And Empty

 

“Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.” 

~Stephen King

  Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption

 

No, I haven't forgotten to post some trivial dribble about my life, I have simply been busy with painting the awesome room, a winter storm and a lack of inspiration. Call it the winter doldrums. Call it depression. So, anyway, I have decided to take a short break from posting. No worries, just till next Monday, February 12th. I need to finish the painting, and get out with the camera and find the photos... the horror, the beauty, the mundane, the glamorous, the spooky or whatever appears before me. It's all waiting, I just need to find it.

 

Weariness Or Witherings

 

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness or witherings, of tarnishing."

 

~Anais Nin

 

None of their deaths were natural. All came too soon.

 

RIP

Jessica

Ralph jr.

And their mother, my sister, Bonny.

 

I can't share my grief right now, it's too deep and dark to share here. Mostly I don't anymore. I am processing it inside. And that's okay. This blog is my happy place, even when I am pissed or scared or bored. But grieving... no. That is just for me to deal with. I can, and probably will, share little tidbits on how it is processing through, here and there, but summer is over next week, and I want to have this autumn for me, filled with new leaves, new birds, hopefully, and my new office, which is almost finished! My therapist says I need to begin the hard work. The moving on part. The facing each day part. The letting go part. I am trying.

There I said everything out loud.

And I am okay.

Right?

 

 

23 And Me (Part Two)

 

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,

 whispering, 'it will be happier'... "

 

~Alfred Lord Tennyson 

 

23 And Me...

(Part 2)

 

Will the year to come be happier then 2022? That remains to be seen, but so far, yeah, I would say it has potential, even though I am still perpetually in transition. It started with the move, way back in 2015. The anniversary of the first day of this adventure will be here soon, and it still fills me with a unique sadness that I know is deeply misplaced, yet it will be here soon, March in fact. But it feels like I am finally letting go of all that, and I am finally beginning to transition through the experience of owning and losing my first home. That's the easy part. Dealing with the pain of selling my first home, under the circumstances that existed, will be a little later down the road. Nope, I still haven't grieved over the loss of the house, but I know I will one day, and it will be spectacular! 

 

Speaking of houses, grieving, and transitions, guess what? We are currently in escrow to buy the condo! I can't believe it! Nicole decided to sell the place late last year, and the thought crossed our minds to purchase, rather than pack... again... so soon. Its what's best, and as Ajeanna said about the first condo... the one in Patterson that started all this... it's not forever. As I have come to learn, "it's not forever" applies to just about everything. Why am I not bouncing off the walls in a nervous fit? Simple, I don't think we will get it. There is a lot working against it, debt to income rations being just one. If we do get it, well then, life won't change from what I am currently used to, so I guess I am flowing with the white caps, and doing just fine. I'll worry about the potential for Tsunamis after it swallows me up. What else can I do?

 

2023 is revealing itself a little at a time, and I am not scared.

 

Steady on. 

 

 

Your Ultimate Art

Lake Tahoe, Nevada

November 9th, 2017

"East day is born with a sunrise

and ends in a sunset, the same way we

open our eyes to see the light, 

and close them to hear the dark.

You have no control over

how your story begins or ends.

But by now, you should know that

all things have an ending.

every spark returns to darkness.

Every sound returns to silence.

And ever flower returns to sleep with the earth.

The journey of the sun and the moon is predictable

But yours, is your ultimate ART."

~Suzy Kassem 

Heartwork

Yesterday was stressfull. Trump had his craziest day yet! It was so crazy, in so many directions, that I couldn't link to just one article to cover all the crazy! George W. Bush on his worst day wasn't as embarrassing, as Trump was yesterday. And Dick Cheney, wasn't as scary as Trump was yesterday! If we live to have a history, and you come across my blog one day, you will already know how cracy life was at this time in America. I am convinced on a daily basis that all that's going on, isn't real. It simply cannot be real. But it is real, and things just seem out of control. No, they don't seem... they are!

I haven't been out with the camera, since vacation ended. There just hasn't been time! Alan has been working overtime, and Dylan has been ill, and the Thanksgiving holiday has just come and gone, and that means Christmas is less than a month away, so I am getting everything ready for that, and yes, there are some other problems. Not between Alan and myself, but with our finances. But money comes and money goes. Right? It just is what it is.

But if it was just Trump that was weighing on me, and most of the folks on Twitter, it would be one thing, but add in all the real world problems, and it all becomes unbearable. And that is exactly what he wants! He wants to scare people into respecting him, but he doesn't realize is, is that he will never win anyone's respect, that he will only make folks dislike him, but they will also not want to be associated with you... at all! How many bullies have real friends, and how many just have toadies? And most clear thinking American's don't, like him, but somehow its the minority of non clear thinking Americans that are keeping him in power, at least for now. 

But, once again, history will record all this, and events yet to come. I can't write the ending of how this will all come out, and frankly that's a huge relief. Maybe I don't want to know. I think about Mueller arresting the entire Trump family, justice being done, and they are sent to a nice cell, somewhere, and they out live their lives like the criminals they appear to be. End of story. But days like yesterday, make me believe that we might end in a large, angry mushroom cloud of devastation, because Trump isn't the only crazy person on earth, there is also Kim Jong Un to be concerned about!

And again, I can't write the ending to how that will come out either. Nor do I want to. I don't really want to know. I just want to have my normal life back. I want a truly boring day where nothing happens. I want to... stop living in fear. The camera helps, and I am going to try to go out with it soon. Photography has always brought me such pleasure, and I always seem to do my best work when I am depressed, frightened, grieving or scared. I wonder why that is? Maybe art is where we should all go to, when life gets hard, even if it's only stick figures we draw. I've heard my whole life, "art heals" maybe it's really true. Maybe the poem above is right, maybe each day is "your ultimate art."

San Francisco, California

October 26th, 2017

 Each time I see a beautiful sunset or sunrise, I have to pinch myself because I can't believe that I'm awake and not dreaming."

~Anthony T. Hincks

#30 Leaf Of The Day

October 28th, 2017

Placerville, California

Mood: Sad

~Me

Holiday Gifts You Don't Have To Dust

"Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree, Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes."

~Janet Evanovich

Visions Of Sugar Plums

It's the last full day of autumn, and I bet you thought I would be dwelling on it, right? Nah. Donald Trump received his Electoral College win yesterday, so there are bigger things to grieve than the passing of autumn 2016. Needless to say, I am, and probably will be, grieving a lot of things in the coming months, which is why I am just going to let the bitterness of winter absorb the painful feelings, and the sleepless nights. By spring I will be all brand new again, and ready to deal with a steady heart and mind... at least that is the plan.

 I guess we will see.

 But for now, today, we are just five days away from Christmas, and I am enjoying that! The tree is decorated with pretty decorations, every day Mr. UPS brings a gift to wrap, and I have started baking for the holidays! Apple Cinnamon cookies, Chocolate Chip cookies, and Mincemeat Pies! I am probably going to fix a bread pudding or two before the new year as well! Baking cookies for Alan is one of my favorite things to do. He is an amazing husband who loves me... I will never understand exactly why... because he could have done a lot better! Anyway, he does, and for that I am thankful to God and Santa, hell  I am even thankful to the Easter Bunny, just in case he deserved some credit, every single day! 

I was thinking about how happy my husband makes me, when we were at the Tilden Park Carousel about a week ago. The place is all decked out for the holiday, and all the ornaments on the trees reminded me of a Christmas past with my love! I had a great time doing photos, and enjoying the ride back to my lovely Berkeley. It is so gorgeous there, and it was a very clear night so I had a wonderful view of the bay and the city! San Francisco at Christmas time is a treat for the eyes and the soul! Some of the ornaments on the trees at the carousel, reminded me of times he and I have spent in San Francisco during the holidays, so I snapped a few pictures to share...

It's a beautiful holiday season. Our celebrations are small and intimate, but we are thankful for who we are, and our little furry babies! We love each other, and we try treat others the way we want to be treated. More than once this year I have found myself becoming someone I don't care much for, so to a certain degree I will be spending a good part of 2017 learning my way through this new world we are entering. There is no map. There are no classes, so I may not do well, but I will try to do the best I can.

Fair Enough?

If I could ask Santa Claus for one thing this year, it would be for him to help me understand how Donald Trump could possibly be our president? But that's not a simple question is it? Maybe there are some things neither Santa, nor God can bring you. Finding your own piece of mind on our own. I suppose. So, I guess that means I don't really want or need anything for Christmas, but if I do find clarity in a pretty box with a shiny bow, at least it's a gift I won't have to dust!

 Leaf Of The Day

December 20th, 2016

Don't Forget To Come Back Tomorrow 

To See My Last Autumn Photo Of 2016!

Mood: Grateful

~Me :) 

9/11... 15 Years Later

Flight 93 Memorial

Union City, California

2014 

 

"What separates us from the animals, what separates us from the chaos, is the ability to mourn people we've never met."

~ David Levithan

It's been 15 years. I think every year I repeat my astonishment that so much time has gone by. The world is a much different place than on that day, all those years ago. This year, more than any other since then, I have an overwhelming desire to make a political statement, but I won't. I can't. I have too much emotion right now to make any real sense. There will be time in the coming weeks to say all the political stuff I need to say. Today is about remembering those souls lost to families, friends, fans, children, grandchildren and friends that never got to be made. So, for today, I will be silent, for them. For all of them. But as I said, in the coming weeks, my words will also be about them and who we were that day, who we are now, and who we have the potential, and perhaps the danger, of becoming.

 Today, as on every anniversary of 9/11,

I remember the lives of 

David & Lynn Angell

Murdered

September 11th, 2001

American Airlines Flight 11

I will never forget your generous and loving spirits!

 

 

~Carly

 

Reading On A Dark Sunny Autumn Day...

"Let us read, and let us dance; these two amusements

 will never do any harm to the world."

~Voltaire

I was doing a lot of thinking under this gorgeous tree the other day. Mostly depressing myself, and whining about what was. But I also did some musing about who I wouldn't have to worry about running into anymore. Boy do I have a knack for that. I could go on vacation, probably to some out of the way, exotically horrific place, like downtown Baghdad, and there he would be... Mr. November. Unexpectedly. Poof... a giant part of my life, right there, in front of me, and there I would be... helpless... praying a bomb would just hit me already! But really, I ask you, why would I plan a vacation to Iraq? Not very likely. But also unlikely is the remote chance that Mr. November will jump out at me here in Stockton! That's a definite plus to moving here! My thoughts the other afternoon made me smile in the middle of all that dwelling and contemplation. Of course now that I have said there is NO chance of running into him, I probably will, but we will worry about that if and when it ever happens. 

But while I was sitting under the tree I did think about other things, like how much I used to enjoy packing a water, a small snack, and a book, and sitting  in this very park reading, especially this time of year! I would get all my photography out of the way, then crack open my latest read, and just lose myself in the pages. I suddenly realized that it has been nearly a year since I read a book! That is a strange circumstance for me. I have been a voracious reader my whole life. It's one of the many things I always had in common with Alan. We love sharing books with each other! That's how we both became fans of Dean Koontz. Alan loved Stephen King, and one day I decided to help him broaden his horizon's by buying him something of the same genre, by a different author! The book was Dragon Tears, and he loved it, so the next one I bought him was this one...

He really enjoyed it, but I never got around to reading it, so when I saw it a box I was unpacking the other day, I knew it was about time I did! So today, I will open it and just jump right back into myself. Well, a little more of myself anyway! Is there anything like getting back to who you are? I need to kick up some leaves, eat some cheese, and do some reading.

 It's a start... right?

Leaf Of The Day

November 8th 2015

Mood: Happy

~Me :)

...With A Litttle Help From My Friends!

"Once in a while I am struck all over again... 

by just how blue the sky appears

 on windy played autumn mornings,

 blue enough to bruise a heart."

~Sanober Khan

I am tired. I am still working on unpacking, and getting the house in shape. It's a big house, while bigger than what I am used to, and Alan has to work, so that leaves me to do what I can to make this house a home! For the most part I am enjoying myself. The house and I are getting to know each other, and that's fine.

I have been pushing the house away, not really wanting to come to like it, or love it or anything as exhausting as making it a member of the family, but it's wearing me down little by little. It's a happy house, and embracing, if that makes sense. We felt it from the very first day we saw it! Our first walk through I knew it was our house! Alan felt it too. In fact, it was the first house, out of all the houses we looked at, that spoke to both of us. It just seemed to say... "You're home." 

My grief is easing a bit, and that's a good thing, but like I said I am tired so today's post is all about the leaves I photographed last week. Honestly, I think that little jaunt to photograph leaves is what gave me the energy to jump back into unpacking and to continue with the decorating. My office is almost finished, and I will post some photos this week, but for right now lets enjoy the colors of autumn!

By the way, I want to say a special THANK YOU to my friend Kat! I really appreciate the comments and words of encouragement. You have made me feel a lot less alone in this process. Thank you love... your friendship means a lot to me! :) Email me soon, and fill me in on all the latest in your world!

Leaf Of The Day

November 7th 2015

Mood: Tired

~Me :)

Grieving In Autumn

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all."

~Stanley Horowitz

My favorite autumn trees are in a small, quiet park in the East Bay, and nothing makes me happier than grabbing a lunch and spending a little time there, just walking among the leaves and photographing as many of them as I can. It's a little more difficult now that I am living in Stockton, but while Alan and I were on vacation I managed to visit there a couple times. And I will continue to through the remainder of this autumn season, but I know that it isn't healthy to allow my grieving of my life in the East Bay to keep me from exploring new autumn sights here and in neighboring Sacramento. In fact, I just found out that Sacramento is known as the City Of Trees, and puts on quite a show of autumn leaves, so I really need to broaden my thinking, as I move through the five stages of grief. Believe it or not, those stages apply to anything in life that passes away, including the loss of a place you have lived your whole life. I miss the East Bay so much my heart aches, but at least we are in autumn as I grieve, because it's those leaves and the cool days that always guides me back to feeling alive. Strange... in that autumn is all about the final burst of life of each year. 

Leaf Of The Day

November 4th 2015

Mood: Quiet

 ~Me :)