Falling

"Autumn is the hardest season. The leaves are falling, and they're falling like they are falling in love with the ground."

~Andrea Gibson

Depression. Unhappiness. Restlessness. Despair. Whatever you want to call it, I am feeling it. The past week feels like it has been six months long. An Election less than a week ago, should have me walking on cloud nine, instead I am barely able to catch my breath from the overwhelmingly sad events that occurred around it. Shootings, wildfires, devastation, and I am running on empty in my okay world. It feels selfish to feel as sad and tired as I do, when I know so many have lost their homes, and loved ones. But I do. I feel bad for feeling bad. Sometimes I don't know where my depression begins and ends, but I am learning to hide it when I can. I let it out here, because it feels safe to. I assume no one comes by, so it feels okay to just be honest. But it gets harder to admit that I feel like I am sinking more and more every day. Thank God I have my leaves, but after that, I am not so sure where my creativity will take me, or even if it will take me anywhere at all.

Shrug.

My prayers go out to those affected by the Camp Fire and the firestorm in Los Angeles. I pray for my friends and strangers, who are watching their lives change forever. I pray for all the families who lost loved ones in the Borderline massacre. I wouldn't wish the pain they are being forced to endure on anyone.

#50 Leaf Of The Day

November 10th 2018

Photographed October 21st 2018

Ione, California

~Mood: Sad/Tired

~Me

Little Birds Of Cannery Row In Monterey

"And that afternoon, as the sun slanted low through the changing autumn leaves, I remembered to savor the moment, soak in the beauty, breathe deeply and feel the immensity of God."

~Cindee Snider Re

Discovering Hope:

 Beginning The Journey Toward Hope

 In Chronic Illness 

Today's post is a brief one. I have been fighting my Fibromyalgia for a few days now, and it usually wins if I try to fight too hard, and if I don't fight hard enough! That leaves me with a rather narrow road. So, okay, chronic illness, I will play along. I will post a brief post about the lovely birds I saw recently in Monterey, along Cannery Row.

I am not sure what type of bird they are, but there was about a million of them, and they were definitely perching birds. I think maybe they are Finches, but again I am not sure. I did a little searching on Google, unfortunately I couldn't come up an exact match, but House Finches came pretty close! If you know what they are, please, sing out in the comment thread, or look me up on Twitter! I look forward to your feedback!

  

#49 Leaf Of The Day

November 9th 2018

Photographed October 11th 2018

Tilden Park

Little Farm

Berkeley, California

Samsung

~Mood: Creative

~Me

 

October Roses/ November Assholes

"The softened light, the veiling haze

The calm repose of autumn days

Steal gently o'er the troubled breast

Soothing life's weary cares to rest."

~Phoebe A. Holder 

A Song Of October

The Queriers Magazine

October 1890

The last 24 hours should have been somewhat relaxing. We, my fellow democrats and I, should have been able to rest, because of the wonderful news of the Congress being won back by the Democratic party, but as I compose this post, Alan and I are planning on possibly attending a peaceful protest over the sudden, but not unexpected firing of Jeff Sessions! I never thought I would protest that in a milli on years, but with Tuesday's loss to the Democrats, Trump has further fallen, or jumped, down a rabbit hole and further into insanity! Dangerous times. Truly scary, and these times are doing nothing for the agoraphobia I have been fighting. I know, I know, why would I put myself at a protest, if I am afraid to leave the house, well, it feels a little like zip-lining, when you are scared to death of heights. Sometimes you just have to hang on tight and pray, to face your fears! And besides... it's about doing the right thing,whether it scares me or not! Fuck ME!

But for right now, before any decisions are made,

 I just want to enjoy the beauty of these October roses I found last week. Aren't they absolutely beautiful? 

October is such and agreeable month.

November only brings assholes.

And Now...

#48 Leaf Of The Day

November 8th 2018

Photographed October 29th 2018

Stockton, California

~Mood: Quiet

~Me 

Leaf-Ward We Wander

Leaf-ward we wander...

Wind through these trees

Sunlight through breeze

Bird songs around

We wander the leaves.

~Leland Lewis

Random Molecular Mirroring

It's a good day. We won back the House of Representatives last night, and it feels like a million pounds have been lifted off my chest! We Democrats didn't win everything, but we won the control of the Congress, and right now, I have more hope that I have in years! I don't need to troll broken hearted Republicans on social media, and I plan to be patient with them, because I have been there. I just want to enjoy the feeling of peace of mind. There is a lot to be done, and it won't be easy, but I will sleep tonight knowing that the world just got a little bit safer!

#47 Leaf Of The Day

November 7th 2018

Photographed September 27th 2018

Stockton, California

~Mood: Happy

~Me

Autumn Haiku

November the seventh

The last

Faint cricket 

Jack Kerouac

Book Of Haikus

On a pretty day last month, Alan and I drove up to Sacramento to see if autumn had arrived yet. Sacramento is known as the City of Trees, and trust me, it is. I have never seen another major city in California, that has as many trees as Sacramento does! Every kind of tree you can imagine, can be found there, which makes Sacramento just plain stunning in autumn! The series of photos in this post were taken in the middle of October, which means the colors had not kicked in yet, and the sun and air was still hot. So, while the color in the leaves may have been lacking, I can't complain, because all was not lost, I was instead treated to the silly little bugs of summer!

 Ordinarily, for me, it's all about the leaves, but on this day it was about the beautiful art piece, that sat on the lawn in front of historic Crocker Mansion, and the little ladybug, that was playing on the gorgeous wrought iron fence surrounding the property. And okay, it was a little bit about the leaves, and this beautiful one in particular, but it just felt like the best of everything, coming together, in a beautiful early autumn season memory! There are very few bugs I miss, when the chill of autumn sets in, but ladybugs aren't one of them! They, in my opinion, do such wonderful work, by consuming destructive aphids, and without aphids, there are no ants. Give me a garden of ladybugs every summer, and I'll be a very happy gardener!

 This is a beautiful sculpture, but unfortunately I was unable to locate the name of it, or the artist. I will continue to try to discover it's information, and if I do, I will update this post!

 #46 Leaf Of The Day

November 6th 2018

Photographed October 11th 2018

Tilden Park, Little Farm

Berkeley, California

 

Come Little Leaves

"Mindfulness arises when you allow your attention to fall effortlessly on the breathing point

 like an autumn leaf falling on a lake of still water."

~Amit Ray

Beautify Your Breath - Beautify Your Life

Breathe deeply. Just breath. Take an aspirin. And breathe. Just breathe. Remember to breathe. That's the advice I continue to give myself, but I am not sure my inner scared child is interested in taking that advice. Breathing is a given. We must breathe to live... right? It's pretty simple. But for me, relaxing and chasing away to fear, doesn't have as much to do with breathing, as it does with jumping into a bunch of leaves, and soaking the beauty. I guess that at the end of the day, I would rather photograph a beautiful sunset, and jump in a pile of leaves, than breathe. It's probably a good thing that elections aren't held in April, because spring blossoms do absolutely nothing for my nerves! LOL.

Please vote on Tuesday!

PLEASE!

Mount Diablo 

Contra Costa Count, California

 Central Valley Sunset

#45 Leaf Of The Day
November 5th 2018

Photographed October 11th, 2018

Tilden Park, Little Farm

Nikon

~Mood: Stress

~Me

Thoughts Like Leaves On A Random Autumn Day

"Two sounds of autumn are unmistakable... the hurrying rustle of crisp leaves blown along the street by a gusty wind, and the gabble of a flock of migrating geese."

~Hal Borland 

My mind was absolutely scattered yesterday. So was my creativity! Alan and I spent the day, roaming the exhibits at the Haggin Museum, and I really thought the day would be different than it turned out to be. It was our very first visit, and we saw a lot of interesting exhibits, especially the ones that dealt with the innovation and history of early Stockton. I did a lot of photographs of the artifacts, and historic pieces, but when I got home and looked at my file of the photos I took, there was only a handful on pictures I considered good enough to post!

It was a beautiful day, and we had a good time, so I am not sure what was blocking my creative eye, unless it was the slight preoccupation I was feeling about Tuesdays midterm election! I wasn't dwelling all that deep, at least I didn't feel like I was. So much of it seems absurd, but that's not exactly a new feeling when it comes to national politics. But right now its all I can do to hold my nerves, surrounding the absurdities, together! The absurd should be something mocks, or disregards, but the word "absurd" has come to mean something completely different to me. It's a little less easy to dismiss than it used to be.

So this post is representational of the way my mind is processing information right now. A minute on this, a minute on that. Anxiety, and yet still searching for something, anything, that helps me hang on to some sort of hope. God, I sound like such a defeatist. We haven't even got to the day yet, and I am determined to feel as negative as possible! But that's the thing... I don't want to, but after the stomach punch, and depression, of 2016, I don't want to ever take anything political for granted again. And I am ruining my life, and well being, on pushing happiness away.

My creativity makes me happy, but at the moment, I am finding it difficult to find it! But I promised myself I would post to this blog at least once a day, at least until autumn is over. So, here are a handful of photographs I took, that I didn't think came out too bad! You may like them, but I can see every single flaw. I just wish I could figure out how to cut this pain out of me, so I can recognize the beauty again. I have been so scared for the last couple years, and so tired since 2015, when everything changed for us. I need some hope. That's all. And a never ending autumn, so I can maybe have a do-over with finding some beauty I know is there, but is, right now, elusive to me. All I feel at the moment is scattered, like a leaf floating randomly in the autumn wind.

"It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than life."

~P. D. James

A Taste Foe Death

Canadian Geese

Leaf Of The Day

#44 Leaf Of The Day

November 4th, 2018

Photographed October 29th, 2018

Haggin Museum, Stockton, California

Samsung

~Mood: Scattered

~Me