The Horror Master, Stephen King, Understands Me

"The three types of terror: the sight of a severed head tumbling down a flight of stairs, it's when the lights go out and something a green and slimy splatters against your arm. The Horror: the unnatural, spiders the size of bears, the dead waking up and walking around, it's when the lights go out and something with claws grabs you by the arm. And the last and worse one: Terror, when you come home and notice everything you own had been taken away and replaced by an exact substitute. It's when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel it's breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there's nothing there... "

~Stephen King

What is terror? Terror is being awakened from a deep sleep, by the sound of your home security system, alerting you that an intruder has attempted entry! That happened to me yesterday, at 7:23 AM. My phone was lit up red. My alarm system was lit up red. Both were screaming, loudly, both saying someone had tried to come in through the back door, off the living room. I couldn't function. I am not sure if it was because the sound of the alarms terrified me, or if it was because I was barely dressed. Or if it was because I had no idea what the intruder wanted. Was it an attempted robbery? An attempted rape? Someone itching to commit murder? What did they want?

I will never know the answer to that question. By the time I could function, about 3 or 4 minutes, they were gone. I never got a chance to see who they were. A man? A woman? A wacky child? A ghost? A vampire? I have no idea, which makes the whole thing a lot worse, because I will play the "whatif's" the rest of my life. Or, more realistically, at least for the rest of the time I spend in this house! What if we had never installed an alarm system? What if the back door hadn't been locked? What if I had seen them? What if the fur babies had been hurt? What if? What if? What if?

It's terrifying not knowing if they spent time watching the house, waiting for Alan to leave. It's a terrifying thought that I will have to spend Thursday and Friday of this week, alone in the house. Do I sleep? Can I sleep? How do I face this fear? I guess I have no real choice. I will face Thursday and Friday, and every other day, going forward, alone. Alan can't do the work on the fear for me. That's mine. I suppose I will be okay. Alan is going to run a couple errands in the middle of the day tomorrow, which will give me a chance to be in the house alone. That will be a healthy thing for me, I think. I hope. If only I could shake the feeling from this morning...

"... It's when the lights go out and you feel something behind you, you hear it, you feel it's breath against your ear, but when you turn around, there's nothing there... ".

 What if the "nothing there" terror comes back?

Autumn Leaf Of The Day

#10 Leaf Of The Day

October 2nd 2019

Stockton, California

Nikon

~Mood: Scared

~Me

 

Leaf-Ward We Wander

Leaf-ward we wander...

Wind through these trees

Sunlight through breeze

Bird songs around

We wander the leaves.

~Leland Lewis

Random Molecular Mirroring

It's a good day. We won back the House of Representatives last night, and it feels like a million pounds have been lifted off my chest! We Democrats didn't win everything, but we won the control of the Congress, and right now, I have more hope that I have in years! I don't need to troll broken hearted Republicans on social media, and I plan to be patient with them, because I have been there. I just want to enjoy the feeling of peace of mind. There is a lot to be done, and it won't be easy, but I will sleep tonight knowing that the world just got a little bit safer!

#47 Leaf Of The Day

November 7th 2018

Photographed September 27th 2018

Stockton, California

~Mood: Happy

~Me

Art About Town: Sacramento... "Peace" By Stephen Kaltenbach

"Peace" By Stephen Kaltenbach

Sacramento, California

(Concrete)

"What is the name of your dream? A lovely wooden cottage in the middle of a forest? Or walking in an endless autumn path? What is the name of your dream? Don't give a name, always give a list! Fill yourself with dreams because dream is the path to reality!"

~Melmet Murat ildan

What is my dream? My dreams are simple. If you know me at all, you probably know that Heaven for me is an endless autumn, and an endless amount of public art to enjoy and photograph. As much time with Alan as I want. Music I can feel in my soul, but most of all, right now, I dream of days of peace. Peace of mind, body and soul! I haven't slept well since 2015, and the insomnia has been especially bad since 2016. That election took it's toll on me, for many reasons, but mostly Trump becoming president seemed to steal a part of me that I can't find.

 The never ending verbal beatings, and the cruelty of his administration coupled with the grotesque insults and harm his supporters dish out, is a heavy stone to have thrown at a person. Someone, Heather Heyer, lost her life to that cruelty. It hurts. Deeply. So many endings where they don't belong, that my human heart can't help but feel broken daily. In a moment of despair, I closed a door on a pal, someone I really liked. I have thought many times about reopening the door, and maybe saying I am sorry, but I know deep down that it wouldn't be fair to that person. I closed the door because I felt like I would say something, eventually, that I couldn't, or wouldn't, be able to take back.

 Life is so short, hurting people and generally being the worst version of myself is not something I am willing to do, if I can help it. I am not perfect, and I feel myself strike back in anger, which, of course, does not make me feel any better, but rather more like a failure than anything else. I know that I am not alone in having lost a friend, colleague, or family to this divisiveness, this time of dis pair. One day, in 2017, I felt myself sinking under the weight of the world, and I knew that self harm could make it all stop, I knew that I wanted to see the next autumn come around, but I also realized that out of fear I had stopped listening to music. I hadn't picked up my camera in months, I was living in a 24/7 news cycle because I was afraid to turn away.

I reached a scary point. Live in pain, or die in peace. I began to sob, and knew I needed to reach out to my doctor. So, after 20 years, I was put back on anti-depressants, and God I felt like a failure! I had survived all that time, lost my mother, lost Elvis, I packed up our cottage to move to a new home, only to find out the place was declared unfit for rental. Lost a friend who decided to tell me one day, she no longer felt superior to me, when all through our 20 plus years of friendship I never knew she thought she was! I went through it all handling it with the letting myself feel what I had to, and moving on. But this time things were different. 

I am tired. I want my life back. I am working on it, and the magic pills have helped, I have no complaints about them, accept I wish I could have done it on my own. There is hope coming up by way of the midterms, but I am trying not to acknowledge that hope, because what happens if I let myself believe in it, and the worst thing possible happens? For the first time in my life, I have lost hope and faith in my own country. If we go through two more years of this devastation, will our country even exist? The upcoming election needs balance things, by at least returning the House or the Senate to the democrats. We need some bi-partisanship in order to save our nation, but there is absolutely no guarantees when it comes to elections, no matter how much it seems to be going your way.

Fear may have taken my faith and hope, but dreams are a very different thing. For me it's the last line of sanity and vision for a future I can breathe in, so I am living in my dream of the future. My list of dreams isn't very complicated, here they are...

1. I dream of peace of mind.
2. I dream of being able to believe in hope again.
3. I dream that the pain that I and others are feeling stops.
4. I dream of the fear goes away.
5. I dream of endless autumns.
6. I dream of photographing all the public art I can find. 

I dream of having my old life back.

I dream of dreaming again, and waking up smiling.

I dream of peace, and autumn leaves.

#33 Leaf Of The Day

October 23rd 2018

Photographed September 29th, 2018

Stockton, California

Please.

November 6th, 2018

~Mood: Quiet

~Me