Ellipsis: Art About Town: Sacramento... "Peace" By Stephen Kaltenbach

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Art About Town: Sacramento... "Peace" By Stephen Kaltenbach

"Peace" By Stephen Kaltenbach

Sacramento, California

(Concrete)

"What is the name of your dream? A lovely wooden cottage in the middle of a forest? Or walking in an endless autumn path? What is the name of your dream? Don't give a name, always give a list! Fill yourself with dreams because dream is the path to reality!"

~Melmet Murat ildan

What is my dream? My dreams are simple. If you know me at all, you probably know that Heaven for me is an endless autumn, and an endless amount of public art to enjoy and photograph. As much time with Alan as I want. Music I can feel in my soul, but most of all, right now, I dream of days of peace. Peace of mind, body and soul! I haven't slept well since 2015, and the insomnia has been especially bad since 2016. That election took it's toll on me, for many reasons, but mostly Trump becoming president seemed to steal a part of me that I can't find.

The never ending verbal beatings, and the cruelty of his administration coupled with the grotesque insults and harm his supporters dish out, is a heavy stone to have thrown at a person. Someone, Heather Heyer, lost her life to that cruelty. It hurts. Deeply. So many endings where they don't belong, that my human heart can't help but feel broken daily. In a moment of despair, I closed a door on a pal, someone I really liked. I have thought many times about reopening the door, and maybe saying I am sorry, but I know deep down that it wouldn't be fair to that person. I closed the door because I felt like I would say something, eventually, that I couldn't, or wouldn't, be able to take back.

Life is so short, hurting people and generally being the worst version of myself is not something I am willing to do, if I can help it. I am not perfect, and I feel myself strike back in anger, which, of course, does not make me feel any better, but rather more like a failure than anything else. I know that I am not alone in having lost a friend, colleague, or family to this divisiveness, this time of dis pair. One day, in 2017, I felt myself sinking under the weight of the world, and I knew that self harm could make it all stop, I knew that I wanted to see the next autumn come around, but I also realized that out of fear I had stopped listening to music. I hadn't picked up my camera in months, I was living in a 24/7 news cycle because I was afraid to turn away.

I reached a scary point. Live in pain, or die in peace. I began to sob, and knew I needed to reach out to my doctor. So, after 20 years, I was put back on anti-depressants, and God I felt like a failure! I had survived all that time, lost my mother, lost Elvis, I packed up our cottage to move to a new home, only to find out the place was declared unfit for rental. Lost a friend who decided to tell me one day, she no longer felt superior to me, when all through our 20 plus years of friendship I never knew she thought she was! I went through it all handling it with the letting myself feel what I had to, and moving on. But this time things were different.

I am tired. I want my life back. I am working on it, and the magic pills have helped, I have no complaints about them, accept I wish I could have done it on my own. There is hope coming up by way of the midterms, but I am trying not to acknowledge that hope, because what happens if I let myself believe in it, and the worst thing possible happens? For the first time in my life, I have lost hope and faith in my own country. If we go through two more years of this devastation, will our country even exist? The upcoming election needs balance things, by at least returning the House or the Senate to the democrats. We need some bi-partisanship in order to save our nation, but there is absolutely no guarantees when it comes to elections, no matter how much it seems to be going your way.

Fear may have taken my faith and hope, but dreams are a very different thing. For me it's the last line of sanity and vision for a future I can breathe in, so I am living in my dream of the future. My list of dreams isn't very complicated, here they are...