23 And Me (Part Two)

 

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come,

 whispering, 'it will be happier'... "

 

~Alfred Lord Tennyson 

 

23 And Me...

(Part 2)

 

Will the year to come be happier then 2022? That remains to be seen, but so far, yeah, I would say it has potential, even though I am still perpetually in transition. It started with the move, way back in 2015. The anniversary of the first day of this adventure will be here soon, and it still fills me with a unique sadness that I know is deeply misplaced, yet it will be here soon, March in fact. But it feels like I am finally letting go of all that, and I am finally beginning to transition through the experience of owning and losing my first home. That's the easy part. Dealing with the pain of selling my first home, under the circumstances that existed, will be a little later down the road. Nope, I still haven't grieved over the loss of the house, but I know I will one day, and it will be spectacular! 

 

Speaking of houses, grieving, and transitions, guess what? We are currently in escrow to buy the condo! I can't believe it! Nicole decided to sell the place late last year, and the thought crossed our minds to purchase, rather than pack... again... so soon. Its what's best, and as Ajeanna said about the first condo... the one in Patterson that started all this... it's not forever. As I have come to learn, "it's not forever" applies to just about everything. Why am I not bouncing off the walls in a nervous fit? Simple, I don't think we will get it. There is a lot working against it, debt to income rations being just one. If we do get it, well then, life won't change from what I am currently used to, so I guess I am flowing with the white caps, and doing just fine. I'll worry about the potential for Tsunamis after it swallows me up. What else can I do?

 

2023 is revealing itself a little at a time, and I am not scared.

 

Steady on. 

 

 

Clear Thoughts On A Foggy Day

"You'll never move forward,

 until you take a step away from the past."

~Colleen Ferrary

All of my Christmas shopping is done. I have some presents to wrap, and I am waiting on a few gifts to arrive... cross your fingers for me they do... and the house looks downright festive! We didn't  really decorate outside, although we may do a little bit early next week. Alan's schedule simply hasn't allowed for it, but it's okay, we will get it done next year. And to say that we didn't decorate outside, really isn't accurate either, we have a small decoration in the yard, so folks in the neighborhood know we aren't completely boring! LOL. I will post a photo of it next week, but my point is, I am ready for next week and Christmas. And oddly enough, I am ready for the 2016!

It's kind of a surprise really. Since we moved into the house, my mood has been all over the map. From tired and pissed off, to scared shit-less, to annoyed, to depressed. Really depressed. Back to scared. Thankful. Confused. Happy. Content. REALLY PISSED OFF. Quiet. Back to happy. Right now as I am typing this I feel content, and excited for the new year, and getting back to the ordinary days. You know... days without a fake tree filled with tiny lights twinkling. A normal schedule of Monday through Sunday, and days filled with "normal."

I have been craving those normal... nothing new... this is just my every day... days... since March 26th, when we got that note on the door that told us we have to leave our apartment! My life... Our Life... was turned upside down, there was really nothing resembling "normal" going on, and for a time I didn't know if we would ever see "normal' again. But we did, and this is where we ultimately landed. Stockton. There is nothing "normal" about a Bay Area girl suddenly moving to Stockton.  And a year ago, buying a home wasn't a realistic idea, then suddenly we are signing loan papers. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to know that you will be making a $1,400.00 payment every month for 30 years? Do you have any idea how old I will be in 30 years? This house will outlive me, of that fact I am sure! LOL.

We are lucky to have found the perfect house for us. It was meant to be, but fear about whether or not we could really afford it terrified me. I am lucky though, I have friends who remind me to breathe, Kat, I mean you! You made me feel so much less alone, thank you for sharing how you felt when you moved, and how you could understand my crazy mood swings. You have always meant a lot to me, you were one of my favorite friends from the old AOL days. You were a supportive friend then, and you still are now! Thank you love bug!

Good friends to keep me sane, and an amazing husband who let me feel what I did, when I did! How amazing is that? I am blessed! And I know this post sounds more like something I should have been writing around Thanksgiving, but... well... call it a delayed reaction, because I know now that even on my craziest days in the last year, even on the days when it all looked really cloudy and foggy, when I worried myself into a deep Fibromyalgia fog, I knew I wasn't alone. Life gets tough, sometimes I can feel really lost, yet there is always a way back home. And deep down I knew it. I suppose that is why I felt comfortable writing about my true feelings, rather than just saying that everything was fine.

It's not easy to buy a new house, even under the best of circumstances, and making that payment every month is kind of terrifying, but it's so worth the effort. 

We are HOME.

Leaf Of The Day

December 18th 2015

Mood: Happy

~Me :)