Secrecy And Silence

 

“In order to escape accountability for his crimes, the perpetrator does everything in his power to promote forgetting. Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. To this end, he marshals an impressive array of arguments, from the most blatant denial to the most sophisticated and elegant rationalization. After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it upon herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail.” 

~Judith Lewis Herman

 

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror  

The quote says it all. So do the math on this man. 

 

 

An Autumn Place And Autumn Leaf Of The Day #70

 

"The music of falling leave, the autumnal story to tell, 

as I drink in its nostalgic smell. The flash of red, the flash of gold. 

 Yesterday is past, yet, the tale did not grow old."

 

~Jayita Bhattacharjee

 

I had a favorite tree in the East Bay. It was in a park I used to visit when I could, which in autumn seemed to be at least once a week. I would take my lunch there and just breathe in the sights and sound of autumn. I love that Halloween happens right in the middle of all this beauty. There are so many memories surrounding that old tree. It makes me terribly sad that I can no longer visit it on a whim, but this tree in Stockton is definitely easing that pain. The leaves are completely different, and in truth, I feel a lot less safe in this park, but look at that light! October never passes away as long as I have that color and that light, and my heart holds on with such appreciation.  I love this tree, we are friends. It felt my pain last year, and it held out it's hand and said to me... come here, sit beside me, and let it all out. My branches are strong enough to hold you. Everyone should have a place like this to go to. I have two!

 

 

~Me

With A Week To Go

 

"Waiting hurts.

 Forgetting hurts.

 But not knowing which decision to take

 is sometimes the most painful."

 

~Jose N. Harris

MI VIDA: A Story Of Faith Hope And Love

 

With a week to go, there are a few small things to be addressed with the house. A small amount of pealing paint outside. What's worrying me is that the appraiser that came out a couple weeks ago, is not returning Rosalie's phone calls. That can't be good. Meanwhile I can't help but feel dread. We could lose everything with one small decision from FHA about the buyers loan. My whole life is waiting on a big decision waiting for someone else. My depression is 10 but since yesterday I am at a much more even mood. I feel like I have let go, because I can't do a single thing about the situation and so far worrying hasn't saved anything. I am depressed. I am even minded. And it's almost like I have simply and completely given up of my will. I don't know that I care where I end up in this. I just don't care. 

 

But autumn will be here before magic escrow, so there's that. 

 

 

~Me

Photo: Cull Canyon

September 10th 2021

Nikon

 

 

Lake Tahoe On A November Afternoon

"The river this November afternoon

Rests in an equipoise of sun and cloud:

A glooming light, a gleaming darkness shroud

It's passage. All seems tranquil, all the time."

~Cecil Day-Lewis

The Complete Poems Of C. Day Lewis

As I write this post, I am absolutely exhausted! Alan and I took a long drive to Lake Tahoe, and Carson City, Nevada on Monday, and I didn't have my pain medication with me, so I had to work extra hard to get some decent photographs, but I think I did okay. I was happy, for the most part! I will be sharing them as the week goes by. 

Most of the leaves are gone now, at least in the Sierra and Nevada, but Sacramento seems to be making a beautiful mess, so I will also be spending some time there, and perhaps even some time in Napa and Marin, and Sonoma Counties, where you can find touches of autumn, late into the year. It's all up to Mother Nature, but I feel good about the possibilities!

We'll See! 

#7 Leaf Of The Day

November 7th, 2017

Carson City, Nevada

 Mood: Tired/Happy

~Me :)

 

No Words

"To be poor and be without trees, is to be the most starved human being in the world. To be poor and have trees, is to be completely rich in ways that money can never buy."

~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About 

That Which Can Never Die 

I'm feeling really quiet. Another day of aftermath, from another day's tragedy. I have no words about the words of others, which tend to drown out words of comfort. Words of respect. Words of compassion and words of remembrance. Sometimes I think we have finally arrived at the point where, there is just nothing left to say but, ironically, it takes words to covey that you have no words.

#4 Leaf Of The Day

October 4th, 2017

Stockton, California

Mood: Quiet

~Me

Pre-Autumn Leaf #2

"In every change, in every falling leaf there is some pain, some beauty. And that's the way new leaves grow."

~Amit Ray

Another pre-autumn leaf. I really like this one. I haven't photographed many large leaves, but I think that might change this season, we'll see. I found it at a really cute fruit stand in Manteca, California, which already had some really beautiful, and impressive pumpkins for sale. It was a good outing, and a necessary one. I have become a bit of a recluse in the last couple years, or maybe agoraphobic, I am not really sure which, or if it's both. I think I touched a bit on that in a previous post. Shrug. It's just been a difficult time, but Alan is encouraging, patient and loving, so I am on the mend I think. He supports me in my photography, and he knows my creativity, and love for autumn in general, tends to get me thinking straight again. Yesterday was a good day. I think tomorrow will be too. I am hopeful anyway.

Mood: Hopeful

~Me :)

Stress, Friendship And Knowing Yourself In The Time Of Trump

"Reality is the leading cause of stress

 amongst those in touch with it."

~Jane Wagner 

It's been almost two months since my last post. That's an odd realization for me, because I pretty much blogged every day this blog existed, up until a couple years ago. The big move, and all the subsequent drama kept me busy, and emotional, so a lot of the time I was too tired to post or simply didn't have the will. This past autumn I felt better. I got out with the camera and resumed my Leaf Of The Day project, and I thought I might be getting back to some emotional normalcy, and then the election happened and once again I found myself in the depths of despair, and I am finding it really difficult to climb back out.  

There was a day when I would use my blog to fight through the political and day to day life nonsense. I welcomed opposing opinions, and looked forward to the debate. Patrick, if you're reading this, you know what I mean. LOL. You and I could go on and on and it would get heated but eventually we would shake it off, maybe even take a breather from each other's blog till the dust settled, but in an appropiate amount of time come back and pick up where we left off... good friends. And I am pleased to say to this day that if I ever needed someone to remember me in their prayers, I could ask you, and you would be there without reservation. For that I will always smile and be grateful when I see you on my Twitter timeline.

I've made a lot of causal friends over social media. Whether or not we keep in touch, doesn't matter so much because we all have real lives outside of the Internet. If I haven't seen someone for a while, and they pop in to say hello, it's always nice to pick back up. I like this distance to a certain degree. I have tried to not let my worlds collide. I am a private person. I rarely share my address, or phone number, and I don't speak much about what my day to day life is like because it feels so personal. I am happy in my real life. Happy marriage. Three amazing cats that keep me laughing, and my hubby and I now own our own home for the first time in our marriage. Life is should be good. But it's not. Not at all.

I am not prepared to blame the depression I have been fighting all on Donald Trump, but I have to say... he doesn't help, in fact, he scares the living SHIT out of me on a daily basis, and on the days I get up not scared, he either pisses me off or embarrasses me to the point I find myself apologizing to the world on Twitter, and begging the forgiveness of clearer thinking countries, which is strange because I didn't vote for him, so why do I feel I have to apologize? But in any case... I do. And I do.

A couple days ago, I did something I've never done before, I blocked a Twitter pal. Yes a republican, but he is a lot more than that. He's quite talented. Funny. Intelligent. Kind. Compassionate, and a lot more nice things I suspect. Don't get me wrong, we weren't best friends, or "go to" pals, but I genuinely liked him and admired his photography skills. I hoped to learn some things about photography from him, they way I learned from Steven. I was kinda lost after Steven died, so to make a new friend who I could share similar fondness for photography with was really nice, even if we only talked ocassionally. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, when the 2016 election rolled around my friend and I would exchange the occasional barbs about left verses right and we would sometimes have some heated exchanges about our various perspectives, but it usually ended cordially, but after Trump won things felt different. In me. I don't really blame my friend for his opinion, but it all feels so irrational from the other side. It feels like when I am trying to make a point, there is no point in trying because they simply won't see or understand whats trying to be conveyed. I don't expect folks in my orbit to feel exactly like I do, but for GOD'S SAKE it feels like rational thought is dead, and has been replaced with willful ignorance. 

Understand... I am not saying that is how my friend behaved. No. But I said to him recently... "... listen, we are never going to agree on Donald Trump, his policies, his behavior or anything attached to this administration so we might as well just know that now. We just aren't." My friend agreed. We laughed a little and kicked the idea around of perhaps one day battling it out over drinks. LOL. And I left him with the request that he drop by my Twitter feed once in a while, when he isn't there to tell me how completely wrong I was. LOL. Maybe he could just come by and say "Hi... hows the weather." Again. It was a joke, meant lightheartedly, and he accepted it as such.

Well, the other day he did just that. He came by and left me a link to a Facebook post about an otter. I was adoreable. I liked it very much, and it touched me that my friend was trying to reach out. So, everything should be perfect... right? Well, timing is everything. I saw it just as Donald Trump was holding his idiotic press conference about the U.S. exiting the Paris Accord. So, I am watching a nice video about a fuzzy sea creature that my republican pal sent me, and wanting to kick my television in and scream MUTHERFUCKER at the same time. It was NOT good timing.

Something in me died. I felt it. I looked at my friend's face and knew in that moment I had to block him. Not so much because of him, but because of me. I knew that humans being humans I would one day, once again, engage with my pal in a political debate and I would go too far. I would say something dreadful that I couldn't take back. Words have meanings, and when you say something awful, out of rage, but mean it anyway, people get hurt. I don't want my friend to become the face of all the trolls who hunt me down after I leave a comment about the SHITTGIBBON we have in the White House. I don't want to take my anger, pain, frustration, fear, OH MY GOD FEAR, out on him with words I might actually mean one day.

I don't like hurting people.

I have been hurt so badly, so many times, you have NO idea.

I would rather just close the door.

And NOT say something I can't take back.

Stress in my real life, bleeds over into my virtual life, and vice versa, since Donald Trump decided to fuck our democracy. There was a time when I could handle both, but I am not doing that well right now. I am working on it, but when you can't sleep at night that doesn't help you make good decisions. I know it will all work it's way out in time. Impeachment seems likely or at least possible. Perhaps making the mortgage payments will get easier. I will learn some method of dealing with my fear of nuclear holocaust. Folks will begin waking up and realizing Trump only cares about Trump. My back will always hurt, but maybe a better medication or exercise will come along to help me deal with it. I don't know, but if my life has taught me anything it's the that ... "this too shall pass" ...is an absolute. It will pass.

But in the meantime the journey gets

 lonely and a little sad at times.

Mood: Sad

~Me

 

All I Need To Know

"Fear is always with us,

 but we just don't have time for it.

 Not now."

~ Hillary Clinton

Living History

There was a video 9 years ago, that was so endearing, so perfect, that it sealed how I felt about Hillary Clinton as a leader, and how I saw her as a potential president. I have thought about that video many times over the years. It was a tongue in cheek parody of the Sopranos. It ended similar to the Sopranos ended, with us choosing the outcome. And the rest you know. But it's been difficult, especially in the hardest times, not to look back and wonder what might have been. 

So, here we are, a couple days after the first debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump and while most outlets give her the debate by a wide margin, I wake up to find that Trump supporters have engaged in silly shenanigans by rigging non scientific online polls to unfairly project Donald Trump the winner. It's stupid. It's petty. And it doesn't fool anyone. Mostly, at least for me, it just makes me sad.

Hillary prepared for the debate. Donald Trump didn't. It's a part of history now, but to see the continued refusal of his supporters to call him on his lies, misogyny, or any of his ridiculous behavior just hurts my heart. When did that kind of behavior become acceptable? When did we give up on the truth? On civility? On rational thinking? On manners? On each other?

 I don't think the debates to come will do much to sway voters. If you don't know by this point how you feel, then you are incapable of knowing what you want for breakfast. I doubt I will post many more posts specifically about politics, at least until close to the election. It takes too much out of me. I can't keep hurting myself on a daily basis by drowning in the negativity of this election season. The harshest, saddest, most frightening of my lifetime. I have my mind made up. I decided 9 years ago when Hillary ran the first time, that she was what we needed then, and she still is!

This told me all I need to know about Bill and Hillary Clinton.

 

Leaf Of The Day

September 28th, 2016

Mood: Quiet

~Me 

Ask Me Next Autumn...

"It was October again... a glorious October, all red and gold, with mellow morning when the valleys were filled with delicate mists as if the spirit of autumn had poured them in for the sun to drain...

 amethyst, pearl. silver, rose, and smoke-blue. 

The dews were so heavy that the fields glistened like cloth of silver and there were such heaps of rustling leaves in the hollows of many-stemmed woods to run through."

~E. L. Montgomery

Anne Of Green Gables

I am feeling better. Little by little I am letting go of the pain, and moving forward. The leaves help. There is something... I don't know... just something about all those colors, gently swaying back and forth, that makes me heart smile! When your heart smiles, it's difficult to dwell on the things that hurt you. The things that break your heart and your spirit. I am still mulling some legal options, but right now I am content to let our vacation be all about the healing from the nonsense of this past summer. Summer has always been a cruel, treacherous season, and this last one did nothing to prove me wrong. But autumn is here now, wrapping me in a soft warm blanket, and so I am content to let it, and in doing so, I am finding the forgiveness for what's been done. Yeah, I guess you could say I am moving on. Moving on, and moving forward. Will I, will we, heal completely? Ask me next autumn.

Leaf Of The Day

October 22nd 2015

Mood:Quiet

~Me :)

The Surreal Of Summer

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."

~F. Scott Fitzgerald

The Great Gatsby

Summer and I are not friends. We never were. I do have to admit, however, that we have understood each other from time to time, and for the most part, found enough in common that we could tolerate each other. For example, who doesn't love a long summer day at the beach? Who doesn't love all the flying winged creatures of summer? Butterflies. Dragonflies. And then there are all the summer fruits and veggies. Oh my... delicious! Yes, I have come to understand that summer is one of those necessary parts of life. One quarter of the year. And summer must be accepted and dealt with, so in my old age, I finally made my peace with it.

This past summer, which ends mercifully today, was surreal. While most of what happened to us, happened in the summer share of the year, it wasn't the season's fault. No, the fault for the last few months lies solely with one person! She knows who she is. I will disclose the full story in time, but it is still hard for me to deal with on a public level. And unfortunately, I still have some pending decisions to make about how far legally I want to take things, so discretion is best at this point.

A part of me wants to put the whole thing behind me. We have found our home. We are settling in... very slowly... and with $12,000 less in the bank then we should have, thanks to that person, but we are getting by. We even have moments of amazing joy, so it's not all bad. Not at all. I guess you could say we are just tired. And we just finished a 4 month stay at a hotel in Turlock, which believe me, was it's own kind of HELL. 

How is staying in a hotel for 4 months HELL? Glad you asked, I will be sharing about that later this week. For now, I am going to say GOODBYE to Summer 2015 as quietly, and as gently as I can. The last few months were not the fault of the season.

A little side note: When I checked with the board of tourism for Turlock, California, about what there was to do in Turlock, in the summer, for fun, it suggested... 

Go To Santa Cruz!

So, it's not like there wasn't a joke or two along the way.

If I NEVER SEE TURLOCK AGAIN, 

PARTICULARLY IN SUMMER, 

IT WILL BE TOO SOON!

 Wherever You Are, Go And Enjoy The Last Day Of Summer

And Never Take It For Granted!

Mood: Okay

~Me :)

Heels... And The Shoes They Wear

"If you were to ask me what's under my bed, I'd tell you shoes. They're brown, and they're still attached to the body that's been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

~Jarod Kintz

This Book Is Not For Sale

Finally... we arrive at Friday. It's been a long week, and at the same time, the last 3 weeks have flown by. Time is a strange thing isn't it? Alan went back to work yesterday, and slowly, but surely, I am returning to something resembling my life prior to the big reveal that I have been living in an illegal apartment for 14 years...well, it will be 14 years on May 2nd. I still plan to celebrate it, as I have done each year since we moved it. It is my place of safety, my comfort, and while there is now some tragedy attached to all the memories we made here, there are still some moments of great joy that I will never erase from my memories. Like the day we brought Hendrix home. After Elvis's death, it was so quiet in here but along came that little force of nature, Hendrix, and he helped Alan and I through our grief.

It's an odd thing... I keep finding pairs of shoes in different parking lots throughout the East Bay. This the fourth pair I have found since the beginning of the year! Is it the Year Of The Shoe? I thought every year was the Year Of The Shoe. LOL. I just packed 3 boxes with nothing but shoes. Boots. Flats. Canvas Deck Shoes. A pair of tennis shoes that used to belong to Alissa Milano I bought of eBay. LOL. Yep, I am one of those girls. I like shoes. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the kind of shoes they wear. Take the man criminal who I used to call Mr. Landlord... he wore some expensive brown leather shoes, that were strangely scuffed. I always found that a curiosity. Of course now I see that he probably scuffed them while trying to wade through his own bullshit. It's not easy being a brown heel I suppose.

Mood: Okay

~Me :)

Enough Is Enough

"I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved and you and you returned it.

 However, at white, our relationship went black and I sought red in the arms of another woman."

~Jarod Kintz, 

Dreaming Is For Lovers

It's a red day. By the end of business hours today, we will know whether or not my former landlords are going to pay us what is rightfully ours... or if Alan and I have to file suit in Superior Court to get our money back. Sigh. We are really hoping we won't have to do that. We don't want to do that. Sigh. We don't want to devastate anyone, we just want what's fair for us. 

We didn't ask for this situation. 

Sigh.

  There comes a time in life when you have to say... 

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

And NO, the quote doesn't really fit the words of the post, but it does remind us that life changes color sometimes, and so do relationships. Sometimes things really are BLACK AND WHITE.

Mood: Quiet

~Me :)

The Day You Wake Up To

"Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!

There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.

And magical things you can do with that ball

Will make you the winning-est winner of all.

Fame!

You'll be as famous as famous can be,

with the whole wide world watching you on TV.

Except when they don't,

Because sometimes they won't.

I am afraid that sometimes

You'll play lonely games too.

Games you can't win

'cause you'll play against you."

~Dr. Seuss

Oh The Places You'll Go!

I love the first Monday after a long holiday weekend. I love that the TV schedules get back to normal, I love that the news and political sites are, once again, covering the latest developments, and I love that the everything seems fresh and new. I suppose the first Monday after the New Year's holiday has that feeling like no other time. I was finished with 2015, at the end of the day Robin Williams died. I remember falling into bed, exhausted from grief, and thinking that I was done! The year couldn't possibly be salvaged. And if it could, if anyone had a special formula, I didn't need to know about it! My mind was throughouly made up! Don't even bring it up! But, a couple months later, I found myself on vacation, and spending a lot of time with Alan, and little by little, I eased back into the reality of the year, and where I was in it. I was still grieving, and one or two more losses took place after his death, but I was back to laughing, and exploring with the camera, putting my feet forward. And as I did. I came up with some good photographs, stuff I am proud of. I just did it. I learned to live with all the pain of the year. From the suicide of a friend, to Robin's death, to the drama with GM and the car recalls, to whatever stupid thing hurt me. I dealt with it through my photography, with  the season of autumn's help.

Today, I am waking up to a much different day than Real Housewives Of New Jersey star, Teresa Giudice, will. She was sentenced last October to 15 months in prison, her husband 41 months for various crimes of fraud, dating back nearly 15 years, which is pretty much their entire marriage. By most accounts, Teresa has been in denile about the time she will serve, so as she begins her journey today, I can only imagine the pain she must be in as she says goodbye to her home, parents and brother, her community, her businesses, her standing, her name, but saddest of all, her four daughters. Four girls, all under 16, will have to suffer the loss of their mom, at an age when a daughter most needs their mother. Now, 15 months isn't forever, but without coping skills, it is more than forever. Those days when the only one who could possibly understand how a girl feels, is the mom, and mom isn't there. Life doesn't get harder than that. Not when you are a little girl.

I suppose Teresa will be feeling a bit like a little girl herself today. She won't have anyone but herself to lean on. She will be scared... I would be. Wouldn't you? She will be grieving her life... I would be. Wouldn't you? She will make missteps... I know I would. She will want nothing more than anything to go back in time and change the mistakes she made. She will just want to go back... to just get it right. To not trust the wrong people. To not want more than she could realistically have. To just not take the road she took that lead her where she is. When the lights go off tonight, she will be grieving. Deeply. A situation of her own making? Yes. To be sure! But the pain she is about to feel, well, that will drive home the fault, and she is now on her way to paying back those who have been wronged. Will it be enough? God, I hope so. I hope she comes out with all kinds of strength, so she never ends up down the rabbit hole again! Not only for her, but for those four girls.

I would love to see her come out of this situaiton with courage. New found courage that doesn't involve turing over tables, or living outside her means. I want to see Teresa Giudice come out of this fierce! I want to see her write a "How To" guide to prison, or maybe a prison cookbook of her own. I want to see her find her sense of humor about herself, rather than lifting herself up by the concentrating on the fall of others. I want to see her SHINE. I want her to see the beauty, like on a walk around Half Moon Bay. She missed the natural beauty of the town when she visited their a few years ago. She missed it because she was too busy dealing with the pain in her life. The things that scared her, such as the failing relationship with her husband Joe. Truth is, that relationship probably truly began to crumble right before she became famous. Fame... there's that word. Fame. Sigh. Now there is some talk that Teresa and Joe's daughter is shooting a pilot for her own "reality" show. I don't know why. Maybe to help out. Maybe to understand the world of reality TV better. Maybe to establish her own fame. If it is the last one, I have to say, God, I hope not. Teresa has a real chance to come out of this situation a smarter, more empathetic, more realistic person. I hope she will, and I hope people will let her, because isn't that the best thing for not only her victims, her family, her community and herself?  And isn't that the point?

 Fame... No Thank You.

Today, Teresa will wake up in a different world than she will go to sleep in, but by the same token, at the end of the journey, the process will swing back the other way. It's what we do with the hours in between.

The sun rises and sets on us all.

Mood: Reflective

~Me :)

Sundown At Half Moon Bay (Archived)

Photographed 2/25/14 

5:35 PM

Kodak Easy Share

And Now, Blue Jasmine... The Movie Trailer

"Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with."

~Woody Allen

 

Finally... the trailer for Woody Allen's, Blue Jasmine, is here. The large picture above was taken at one of the filming locations in San Francisco, a few hours after filming wrapped for the day! LOL. On that day I was a few minutes late, and a Woody Allen short. If you look very closely at the trailer you will see this building, slightly altered for the film, but recognizable all the same. Alan and I only made it to two of the many locations used in the film, if I could I would have been at all of them, cameras with me, taking in the fun. Unfortunately, life... work, doctor's appointments... had to come first. That and good old fashioned mistiming. LOL. In the next few days that followed I was able to get the photos I wanted. Last August was the best part of the summer. The best part of any of my summers. :)

Okay... go watch the trailer. I can already tell it's going to be one of his movies that stays with you long after you have seen it. Kind of like Midnight In Paris, Manhattan, or Interiors. I already identify at bit with Jasmine. I have a profound first hand knowledge of what it feels like to have your life pulled out from under you... suddenly, and without your permission. Perspective gets lost in the pain, and yes, Xanax by the fist fulls becomes a bigger part of your life than breathing. That was my life 12 years ago. When they "no longer felt good about giving me Xanax, Anhedonia took over for me. Anyway, we will leave it at that. No need to numb every day, Anhedonia... is now just a distant memory.

And THANK GOODNESS. Because if I still had Anhedonia, I couldn't have taken the awesome photo you see above!

LOL. Go watch the trailer...

Mood: Grateful

~Me :)

Today An Arm, Tomorrow The Leg

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

~George W. Bush

Well... it's all his fault...it's all George W. Bush's fault... right? The latest political bullshit, also known as the Sequester. It's his fault. Again I ask... right? Well, no. No it's not. As much as I would love to make a case for how it's his fault, I can't. No, the blame belongs firmly and exclusively with Obama, and the Republican party. While admire the president's show of political balls in his offer of a 2 for one compromise, he didn't try to give them everything! He is learning that terrorists can't be negotiated with, even when you give them what the want! But it distresses me that he still seems to be oblivious to the fact that the REPUBLICAN PARTY WILL NOT WORK WITH HIM... EVER!

The effects on each individual state will vary, but it will be devastating regardless of which state you live in. Here are just a few examples of how my state, California, will be affected this year alone...

California

1. California will face a loss of about $87.6 million in funding for primary and secondary education, which will put about 1,200 teachers and aides jobs at risk.

2. The Head Start Program
 Services for about 8,200 children in California will be eliminated.

3. Protections for Clean Air and Clean Water
- $12.4 million in environmental funding to ensure clean water and air quality.

4. Law Enforcement and Public Safety Funds for Crime Prevention and Prosecution
 $1.6 million in Justice Assistance Grants that supports law enforcement, prosecution, crime prevention and education, correction and community corrections, crime victim and witness initiatives.

5. Job Search Assistance to help those in California find Employment and Training.
- $3.3 million in funding for job search assistance, referral, and placement, which results in about 129, 770 fewer people will get the help and skills needed to secure employment.

6. Child Care.
About 2,000 fewer disadvantaged children will have child care that allows their parents to work.

7. Vaccines for Children.
Around 15,810 fewer children will receive vaccines for diseases such as measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, whooping cough, influenza, Hepatitis B.

8. Public Health.
- $2.6 million in funds to help upgrade it's ability to respond to public health threats including infectious diseases, natural disasters, and biological, chemical, nuclear and radiological events.
Also
-$12.4 million in grants to help prevent and treat substance abuse, resulting in around 9,400 fewer admissions to substance abuse programs.
-$2 million loss to California State Department Of Health Services, resulting in about 49,000 fewer HIV tests.

9. Stop Violence Against Women Program.
 -$795,000 possible loss in funds that provide services to victims of domestic violence, resulting in up to 3,000 fewer victims being helped.

10. Nutrition Assistance for Seniors.
-$5.4 million loss for programs that provide meals for seniors.

And, of course, the nationwide cuts to federal programs affects everyone. The CDC. The FBI. FEMA and the F.A.A. are just some of the programs that will see significant cuts.

I don't know my country anymore! The levels of greed and selfishness are epic and embarrassing. When will the republicans end their incessant need to bend to the will of the top 1%? When will the republican party do the right thing, be it work in good faith with the president to balance the budget, or decide to be a part of the change for the better for future generations by voting for true gun reforms such as reinstating the Assault Weapons Ban? Now that can be blamed on George W. Bush! He has a lot of blood on his hands, as does any politician who puts a false idol above the life of even 1 American.

And as for President Obama... he should have stood up to the Republican party from day one, and he didn't! When he tried to deal with Republicans and they turned away, that is when he should have stood up to them, not turn the other cheek. I feel like the president has changed his tactics since the election last November, and that is a good thing, but I am afraid it is too late now. The sequester was a bad idea, and I said so when it was introduced, but what can I do? There was NO incentive for the special group of senators to reach a deal. I am only one small peep on the Internet, but I am pretty sure I wasn't alone in my belief that President Obama needs to move beyond his fantasy of some sort of a grand bargain. It's like America has become some sort of a cheesy reality show, and all of this drama and nonsense is scripted for ratings mindless entertainment consumption.

But to answer the question you are probably wanting to ask...

The answer is YES. YES I am glad I voted for President Obama a second time. Why? Because I would rather have someone in the White House who DREAMS of hope, and fairness and change, than someone who you only hear from during your NIGHTMARES.

Washington Post
White House Releases State By State Breakdown Of The Sequesters Effects

Mood: Frustrated

~Me :)

A Photo A Day For 6 Months: Day 104~ Fun With Therapy

"He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts."

~Stephen King

After having had a pretty good run of energy, I woke up this morning to one of the strongest punch downs my Fibromyalgia has dealt me to date. I don't know why. I have had good strong blood glucose numbers the last week or so. I got a good bit of exercise last week in San Francisco, and my eating habits have been normal. I almost never know how hard this disease will hit me, or how long I will walk around in a fog. That's the hardest part. Sometimes it feels like I am a ghost. Like I have died without knowing it, and at times I have an overwhelming desire to simply mutter to myself... GET OUT!

"I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine... I'm here." Is there something wrong with that? Absolutely."

~Ned Vizzini, It's Kind Of A Funny Story

I wish I knew what decision I made that led to my having Fibromyalgia. If I could, I would go back and not cut someone off in traffic, or let someone go ahead of me in line at the store. I would put a few extra dollars in the cup of the homeless person I passed by. I would be nicer to the telemarketer who called during dinner, and tip that waitress at Red Robin 25% more. But that's just not how it works. If only.

Shrug.

This to shall pass.

It has to.

I have a date with my camera and Woody Allen on Thursday.

It may necessitate bringing my blanket and pillow, but hey, what's wrong with that?

I'm good.

~Me :)

"Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone."

~Agusten Burroughs

I Miss You Already Darryl

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

-Wil Shriner

The stupidest things happen sometimes. Like when someone you love completely suddenly dies on you, and you are left asking all those stupid questions the inevitably come time to mind. Alan and I got a phone call this morning, and my heart immediately broke. My brother-in-law passed away yesterday... at the age of 50.

Darryl was my brother-in-law in reality, but in affection he was my brother. He was my pal, and someone I could always, always, count on for support and love when I needed it. He lived clear across the country from me, and we haven't been in the same room together in years, but we could pick up the phone and instantly be in each others hug. He made me laugh, and he taught me to make some kick ass salsa, and he was my friend.

What will I do without Darryl? What will we do without Darryl? Right now I can't stop sobbing. So, I am taking some time off from blogging until I can make sense out of what I am feeling inside. I need to take care of Alan, and help him through the loss of a brother he loved so much. I will take care of each other. I always thought that someday we would retire and move closer to Darryl and his wife. Now he is gone. So suddenly. What are we going to do without Darryl?

-OndineMonet
Mt. Hamilton,
San Jose, California
February, 2007
Morning

Self Care For Ingrown Toenails

"Ducking for apples... change one letter and you have the story of my life."

-Dorothy Parker

I'm in a mood. Not a good one mind you. I have this irritation that is, well, irritating me. It's an ingrown toenail. Sheesh. No more ballerina moves for me, not that I was ever that graceful on my two feet, but it would be nice to think that at any given moment, I could spring into a spontaneous pirouette. You know... in case anyone might be watching. You always want an audience for that sort of thing. I wanted to take ballet lessons when I was a little girl, but my mother new better, see, she knew I had taken after my father when it came to my silly little feet. Dad and I both, had silly little flat feet. I managed to make my right foot slightly more interesting by dropping a large can of peach halves in heavy syrup on it in 1991. It hurt. A lot. Then it the bone grew back funky, and left me a tiny little hump on my foot, that can be seen if you look very, very closely. It will be how they identify my body someday, after I am hideously murdered while sitting at an outdoor cafe in London.

Yes. That's how the end will come. I will be killed while eating scones and drinking tea. And reading the London Times. Probably the gardening section, or maybe the Arts and Entertainment section, that part is kind of irrelevant. LOL. The point is, I will have been hideously murdered. It would have to be hideous, if the only way they could ID me is if they looked at the hump on my right foot. Of course, in the mean time, I have this goofy ingrown toenail to tend to. I have to, so my humpy foot won't fall off, because if it did, there would be no way for them to ID my hideously murdered body. But I bet you figured that out... right? ;) Sigh.

We live in marvelous times... don't we? A few years ago, I would have had to go to a special doctor, who would have gotten a big, fat needle, and shot it up under my funky toenail, as if I were some kind of footwear terrorist that he needed vital podiatry information from. He would speak with a thick German accent, and look at me quite sinisterly as he jammed the needle deeply into my poor painful, yet girlishly gorgeous big toe. "OUCH"... I would scream. "OH THE PAIN!... STOP... I WILL TELL YOU ANYTHING!" And I probably would. LOL. Sheesh.

Thank goodness I don't have to go through that, not while the Internet has places like the MayoClinic and WebMD. I looked up a wonderful article tonight on self care for ingrown toenails. A little soaking of my toe in warm salt water, and little lift and separate with some cotton balls, a new pair of sensible shoes, and I will be good to go. Whew! I didn't really want to go to the doctor. Nope, self help worked very well for my nervous breakdown, and now I am just fine, and it will work for this little nuisance too. Right? I mean, can't you tell how much healthier I am, mentally speaking? I haven't wished anyone mad fits of eyeball rolling in nearly 12 hours. Go me! :)

-OndineMonet
"Cold Love"
Yuba Gap, California
March 15th, 2007
Afternoon