The Teacher Of The Month

 "If you're at the end of your rope... untie the knot in your heart."

~Cooper Edens 

If You're Afraid Of The Dark,

 Remember The Night Rainbow/Add One More Star To The Night

Okay, so it happened again. Someone tried to assassinate Trump. Again. For the third time to be exact. History will fill in the details. Was it real? Was it fake? There are reasons to believe both! I am not a conspiracy theorist, but there are oddities to this one. Ugh, I don't even want to discus my doubts because it's all so strange, but then w are talking about an event around Trump, so of course it's strange. It would be strange if it wasn't strange. All I know is, watching it all unfold live on, MS Now, was... strange. One minute hubby and I were discussing what we would serve at the dinner, if we were the caterers, the next minute men were climbing across chairs, and folks were ducking. Strange. Wanna know something else strange? The apparent bad guy was named Teacher of the Month, in December 2024. Before Trump took office for the second time.

 I am not giving any passes there is, NO ROOM FOR POLITICAL VIOLENCE, but the last year and a half has seemed more like 5 years, than 18 months. It hasn't been an easy time to take. So much bad, in so little time, so I understand the desperate frustration, but for our own mental health we have to find things for ourselves, for self care. I get a lot of help from turning off the TV, after, Deadline White House... with Nicolle Wallace, and I nap for a couple hours. I have anemia, left over from my last bout with Covid-XEC, so I need a little extra rest anyway. You don't have to nap, but turning off the TV is mandatory. Believe it or not, essential oils, help. I keep a small bottle, on my desk, of cinnamon oil. I take a little sniff, when I start to fell stressed, and it brings calmness and serenity to my soul. That's my favorite scent, yours is probably different, but you get the point. Lavender is pretty good too! And if all else fails, find yourself a good therapist!

Donald Trump is not worth it! Truly he isn't.

Remember, you love pizza more than you hate Trump!

Losing your whole life, by going to prison for life, isn't necessary, when we have so much to be hopeful about. We just need to concentrate on seeing those things, more than what sits in the darkness. The midterms are right around the corner!

Anyway, here are a few scenes from the other night.

The ever loving RFK jr., and his wife, Cheryl Hines

The super creepy, ever loving, big boob Stephen Miller and Wife

The TEACHER OF THE MONTH

Trump want's to reschedule the event for sometime in the next 30 days, we'll see if he can pull that off. It costs money to produce these things, but the again, when did he ever worry about spending other peoples money? Also, there are schedules to be considered, both personally and professionally. I imagine some new evening gowns must be purchased, as we ladies don't like wearing the same gowns to a rescheduled rubber chicken event, especially after a gunman scares the ever loving boredom out of us! There is a whole lot to consider. As for me, if the WHCD does get another chance, I will probably tune in. I will be wearing my comfy leggings, my long soft shirt and my slippers, and I will have my Bingo card ready to go!

I Got This

 

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world.

 Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” 

~Rumi 

 

Autumn will be here next week, but throughout the summer I found some wonderful crunchy autumn leaves, as if it had begun on June 21st! This photo was taken in Cull Canyon, in late August. Just a beautiful pile of leaves in all shapes and sizes, colors and degree of life. It was a strange summer. It would seem this autumn will have it's moments. But I have leaves, and Chai lattes, and everything else that heals my heart. Not to mention two kittens who will keep me laughing, and Joey, who never lets me feel unloved. And lets not forget Sylvie, my therapist, who talks me down, and then talks me through it.

 

I got this.

 

 

Whispering From Every Leaf

 

"There is another alphabet, whispering from every leaf, singing from every corner, shimmering from every sky."

 

~Dejan Stojanovic

 

My favorite tree, it lives in Cull Canyon. It's showing autumn colors early, and it's soul healing. Soon, I hope to visit the trees in Berkeley. By the way, Trump was seriously considering launching a nuclear strike against China last year, on October 30th, and apparently the Chairman of The Joint Chiefs, Milley, saved us. Fuck me. I am not so sure that this would have not made my life easier. Help. As if this move isn't stressful enough.

Make this pain stop.

 

 

Looking Out Of The Window

"Enlarge your windows till you get a window where you can see the whole universe with one look!"

~Mehmet Murat ildan

I reached all the way back into the archives for this photo! It's from, 2006. I was at my psychiatrist's office, and we were having a good session. Actually, let me fix that, I was having a good session. We implies she needed to be in therapy with me, but she, of course, didn't need to be in therapy with me, at all. Anyway, it was April, a weird month for me to be doing well, because I can't stand spring, and lets face it, April is dead center in the middle of spring, but for whatever reason, that I can't remember, it was a good day. I was having a good day. How do I know it was? Well, because as I was tip-toeing through the photography archives, I found a different version of this photo, and it was titled...

 "On A Good Day"

I was still pretty inside myself back then. I had the camera, and a blog, but I still didn't feel like engaging with anyone who didn't live in a little box on my desk. But I realized looking at this photo, that as inside myself as I was, I still saw everything in the world in living color. The trees, the house across the street, life on Durant street in Berkeley was in full living color. That was big, in that I had been dealing with Anhedonia in the previous years. Anhedoina is painful, if you live for photography. In my case, I couldn't match colors, everything appeared in black and white. Well, that's not right, see, I saw the colors, they just didn't make any sense to me. 

I couldn't make colors go together properly. Nothing looked right. But by the time I took the photo above, I had been healed. I saw colors again, and understood their meaning. Green trees. Red trees. A blue sky. All things I saw, while I was ill, but couldn't comprehend. It was there, but it wasn't. Anyway, it was a very good day, the day I took that photo. I was happy enough to take a photo of an open window, on a sunny day, in Berkeley, California. And I kept taking photos, but it was all different, because I can pick up the camera on good and bad days now, and the only variable is my energy, and will, to do so and therein lies my continued struggle.

I took these photos, on the same good day, all those years ago, and they still make me smile. Hair is my favorite movie, so it was a lot of fun to spot the soundtrack to it, in a window, in Berkeley. As a matter of fact, it was also out of my therapist's window, on a different side of the office. I thought it was such a strange place to see the soundtrack of Hair! In Berkeley. In a window. In 2006! I wish I could have gotten a clearer picture, but I was dealing with the two windows, a fair distance apart, but it's kinda awesome to me all the same. I snapped the photo, and smiled most of the rest of that day. God, life is mighty strange sometimes. Take my advice, look out of more windows... even if you don't feel like it!

The universe was definitely speaking to me that day.

Side 2. Song 1.

Where Do I Go?

Sung by John Savage

"Hair"

~Mood: Quiet

~Me

 

But With More Brains...

"Blood is really warm

it's like drinking hot chocolate

but with more screaming."

~Ryan Mecum

Zombie Haiku: Good Poetry For Your... Brains 

I saw this scene, late last October, as we were leaving Ocean Beach, in San Francisco, and I just had to snap the photo because it reminded me of two things... people watching a nuclear apocalypse and zombies on a beach, after a nuclear apocalypse. I couldn't quite figure out if the two things were the same thing. Would a nuclear apocalypse kill you? Could it turn you into a zombie? I guess it depends on who you ask. Right? Ask a nuclear physicist and they will probably say the nuclear apocalypse will just kill you, but ask Stephen King and he will probably say... the nuclear blast will definitely make you into a zombie, because you survived the blast! Frankly, I don't know which is worse, surviving the blast only to end up a zombie, or dying on the spot, from the blast.

I considered both possibilities that evening, on the way home. We had just gone out for a lovely day in the city. The Blue Angels preformed that weekend, and I was quite happy with most of my photography that day, but despite having had a good day, I had the upcoming election on my mind. I had a feeling, deep down, that Trump was going to win, and of course, he went on to do just that! A now, I find myself, a year later, still contemplating the effects and fallout from nuclear annihilation almost on a weekly basis. Several times since Trump took office last January, Alan has come home to me terrified. Really terrified! Crying, planning possible escape routes. Like I said, terrified. It's like having the worst Halloween you could imagine, every day of the year!

I finally called my therapist, and we spoke at length about my fears, and she shared with me that there has been a huge spike, in former patients, returning to therapy after the election. So I know I am not alone, but I would suppose geography plays a part into what kind of fears one has about Trump. I imagine someone in Wyoming, wouldn't fear nuclear holocaust the way I would, but financial ruin, racial tensions, tax worries, and probably misogyny are top concerns. And now, with Trump's complete botching of recovery efforts in handling the aftermath of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, we can all assume we are on our own, in the case of a natural disaster, if we don't, or haven't, kissed his ass enough.

This is all completely new territory. We have never had a president that designated allocation of relief monies and supplies based on merit. I am scared to death, California hasn't had a large earthquake in several years, so I don't really know what to expect should one hit. I am thinking about adding earthquake insurance to our homeowners policy, but we are stretched pretty thin now. So thin in fact, that you can see through the policy. For the first time in my life, I don't what to expect when I wake up tomorrow. Well, I know Alan and the furry kids will be here, but beyond that, I have NO clue. Will we be at war? Will a nuclear missile have already hit the west coast by this time tomorrow?

I don't know.

I know the current Secretary Of State called Trump a moron recently, which of course, he is. But somehow that doesn't make me feel better. Amused yes, but more hopeful for the future... not at all. I always wondered why I was in therapy, if everyone else in the world is crazy. That's a bit like swimming against the tide... right? But the doctor says therapy will help me feel less alone, and will help me handle all this better. I know it's the least I could do for Alan. So, we'll see. Frankly, I just feel hazy and unfocused on anything but doom. But despite that, I'm trying to keep taking those steps forward. It's just not so easy, when you feel like your brain has given up and you are little more than a wandering zombie on an apocalyptic beach!

#5 Leaf Of The Day

October 5th, 2017

Stockton, California

Mood: Quiet

Me

 

Colors Of What Is To Come...

"Orange is one of God's favorite colors... he stuck it right there between red and yellow as the second color in the rainbow. He decorates entire forests with shades of orange every autumn. It shows up in sunrises at the start of the day, sunsets at the end of the day, and in the glow of the moon at the right time night."

~Reggie Joiner

The Think Orange: 

Imagine The Impact When Church And Family Collide

I have been sick since December 23rd. I am better... much better... but I haven't had a chance to do any real photography since the clock struck midnight on January 1st. With the weather as cold as it is, it's snowing in the foothills and you can feel it here in Stockton, and getting back on the mend, means that I will be doing my photography in the house or at least nearby. I did get to San Ramon yesterday, and managed to photograph the last of a really lovely Dogwood tree I came across, but I only got a few photos done before the rain started, and I didn't want to risk making my departing cold change it's mind. 

Still, it made me happy to get out, and to move with the camera a bit. Next weekend I plan to go and do some photography, no matter what the weather brings, even if it is just around Stockton! Hey, you never know what you will see even in your own neighborhood! And besides, it's good to clear the mind of all the mess and noise. 

You know what mess! And you know what noise! Do I say his name? Do I call him president? Right now I can't bring myself to give him that distinction. I know he is the worst thing that has happened to America in my lifetime. And I know that its going to be a rough road ahead. 

I have Alan. I have the fur babies. I have my friends. My democratic friends anyway, I may lose more than on republican friend before this nightmare is over. SO. BE. IT. I also have my creativity. My camera. My heart. So perhaps I can expand on my creativity a bit this year. Visit new places. And maybe go back to some type of therapy, not just to fight this damn depression but to save my own life, and take some pressure off Alan. He holds me together very well, but it's not his responsibility... is it? It's up to me to get myself together, and do what I have had to do in the past. Work through it, and get to a place of health and healing. I don't know what road I will go down. Avoidance? Maybe.

So... off I go. More to come. But for now...

Winter Leaf

January 2nd, 2017

Mood: Quiet

~Me

 

The Salad Has Nothing To Do With The Words

"Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood;

 don't go there alone."

~Augusten Burroughs

Dry

This Friday I will meet, and have an appointment with, my new therapist. She will be number 51. Yep, in my lifetime I have had 50 therapists! I am 52, so you can imagine who young I began my adventures with the couch! And keep in mind, I went a few years, here and there, without any time spent in therapy. Sigh. I don't really need it now, I just know that sometimes painful things comeback sometimes, and I feel like it is better to have someone I can touch base with. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I have learned and gotten a lot out of therapy over the years. I have learned to let go, I have learned to not ruminate on the painful times, and I completely eliminated panic attacks from my life! So it's a good thing to be establishing myself with a new therapist, it's just telling the whole story from the beginning that's the hardest part. Fortunately, I am in a happy place, so in a way, whatever got me to here is something to be grateful for.

Now this picture has everything to do with the words.

Mood: Quiet

~Me :)

A Little Orange Flower From Summer's Past...

"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there."

~L.P. Hartley, The Go-Between

If I let myself, I can sit for hours and dwell on all things negative which happened in the past. I think it's called ruminating! But fortunately I learned the fine art of thought stopping, which came by way of some intense therapy because of things that happened in the past. Had it not been for the need of the intense therapy in the first place, I would not have learned to deal with the pain of today. LOL. Go figure, there really is an upside to pain. You really do grow as a person through the experience of pain!

Go pain!

Mood: Happy

~Me :)

#51

"I wish you'd help me look into a more interesting problem... namely, my sanity."

~Kurt Vonnegut, Welcome To The Monkey House

Sigh.

I am beginning with a sigh because, well, a little later today I will be meeting my new therapist. Yes. Another therapist. This one will make a lifetime total of... hold on to your hats... wait for it... 51. Yep, I have had 51 therapists in my 51 years of life. Wow. That sounds like a lot... doesn't it? Yes. 51! But hey, it's not like I am all that crazy, at least not anymore, I am just, well, you know, in need of clarity from time to time. And that's normal... right? I mean there was that brief time from 1998 through 2003 when I was a bit, shall we say, NUTS. But that was then, 10 years later, a full decade later, I am once again running with all my gears working just fine. But from time to time it is good to take one in for a tune up, especially with a model as old as I am. LOL.

Besides, it's time to refill the Valium. Now before you get all judgmental, I only go through 60 a year, which is not to bad. And frankly, most of the time I cope pretty well without it. I don't like Valium, but it does help with my restless leg syndrome. Sometimes. Mostly I take a Valium when I can't deal with the sound of my neighbors dog hitting the fence, and falling to the ground with a that inevitable whelp. My neighbor is an ass. I wish he would move. Too bad we don't live in the land of wishes. If we did, I wouldn't wish he would move, I would wish he would love his dog more than he hated me. I wish he would love the dog as much as his dog loves him. If that were the case the neighbor would be a much happier person. And that would make everyone around him happier as well.

You can't live other peoples lives for them.

So, I live my life. And once in a while Valium helps me do it.

In the trailer for the new Woody Allen movie, Blue Jasmine, the character of Jasmine, in her despair, laments, "There's only so many traumas a person can withstand till they take to the streets and start screaming." Boy oh boy does that resonate with me. 10 years ago I broke free from a deep, 5 year long depression, which included Anhedonia, as if the sadness wasn't enough. Call me an overachiever. But that was then and this is now and here I am today, as happy as I can find the energy to be. Am I perfect? Is my life perfect? Well I, and my life, have our moments, but for the most part it's all good. Good is good. Good means there is room to grow. I don't think I would want perfect. Perfect sounds boring. I mean, where do you go from there?

Enter #51

Mood: Reflective

~Me :)

The Face On The Cup

"I wish you'd help me look into a more interesting problem... namely, my sanity."

~Kurt Vonnegut

I took this picture in, I believe, 2007. I was still going to once a week therapy sessons, and working really hard on eliminating the pain and sorrow that had plaqued me for what felt like forever, but in reality had been since the late 90's. A decade of pain... it can feel like forever, because it was difficult to sit on that couch every week, knowing that for that hour I couldn't ignore that pain.

There was a lot to look at in the therapist's office, but my eyes were usually drawn to his desk. There was a stuffed Sigmund Freud doll. A lot of books about love, and a stack of cups, which never seemed to go down in size. One day I happened to notice that the stack of cups, that usually sat on the side of the desk, was a little off from it's usual position. Rather than sitting on the left side of the desk the stack of cups was now on the right side, fairly close to the couch I was sitting on. The bottom cup seemed to have something written on it, but it was turned so I couldn't quite make it out.

During the session, and in an effort to change the subject we were discussing, I reached over and turned the cups around to get a better look at it. To my surprise, there was a face staring back at me! And the face, not surprisingly, seemed to understand how I was feeling!

I am not sure who drew the little face. Was it the supervising doctor? Was it a patient? I had no way of knowing, but over the next few months I made friends with the little face on the cup. It, in an odd way, made me feel less alone. Clearly the cup face had seen, and probably heard, a lot of stories. Some sadder than mine, some not as sad. The face had wisdom and experience. You can't ask for more than that in a good therapist. Right?

All I know... the face on the cup seemed to understand. :) I miss the face sometimes, but like an old friend I haven't seen for a while, I will never forget the times we spent making friends!

Mood: Happy... and WELL ADJUSTED! LOL.

~Me :)

A Photo A Day For 6 Months: Day 104~ Fun With Therapy

"He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts."

~Stephen King

After having had a pretty good run of energy, I woke up this morning to one of the strongest punch downs my Fibromyalgia has dealt me to date. I don't know why. I have had good strong blood glucose numbers the last week or so. I got a good bit of exercise last week in San Francisco, and my eating habits have been normal. I almost never know how hard this disease will hit me, or how long I will walk around in a fog. That's the hardest part. Sometimes it feels like I am a ghost. Like I have died without knowing it, and at times I have an overwhelming desire to simply mutter to myself... GET OUT!

"I'm fine. Well, I'm not fine... I'm here." Is there something wrong with that? Absolutely."

~Ned Vizzini, It's Kind Of A Funny Story

I wish I knew what decision I made that led to my having Fibromyalgia. If I could, I would go back and not cut someone off in traffic, or let someone go ahead of me in line at the store. I would put a few extra dollars in the cup of the homeless person I passed by. I would be nicer to the telemarketer who called during dinner, and tip that waitress at Red Robin 25% more. But that's just not how it works. If only.

Shrug.

This to shall pass.

It has to.

I have a date with my camera and Woody Allen on Thursday.

It may necessitate bringing my blanket and pillow, but hey, what's wrong with that?

I'm good.

~Me :)

"Think of your head as an unsafe neighborhood; don't go there alone."

~Agusten Burroughs

A Photo A Day For 6 Months: Day 80~ Berkeley And The Age Of Aquarius

 

 Aquarius { 5TH Dimension}

When the moon is in the seventh house
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars


This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius, Aquarius
Aquarius

Harmony and understanding, 
Sympathy and trust abounding
No more falsehoods or derisions
Golden living dreams of visions
Mystic crystal revelation
And the minds true liberation


Aquarius. Aquarius

 When the moon is in the seventh house
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars

This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
The age of Aquarius, Aquarius
Aquarius

 


The pictures posted in this entry aren't the best ones I have ever done, not by a long shot, but when I look at them I always smile. I always feel warm inside. It's not the pictures themselves, it's the circumstances around the photos, and the moment, or possibility hour, of perfect serendipity that allowed me to have this bit of luck. Or was it magic? Maybe it was just written in the stars.


One day, in April of 2007, I was in my therapists office, working on some monumentally painful things in my life. Things that now, in complete retrospect, shouldn't have been given nearly as much power and attention as I was giving them. It was long past time for my having moved on from people and situations I had no control over, but being the sentimental person that I was, I was finding it difficult. Moving on isn't easy for a sentimental person, which is not a legitimate excuse by the way, but I think in my particular case, I couldn't let myself move on because I think I was afraid on some level that if I did so, then I would also have to face the loss of the love that would accompany it.


Therapy is hard work. Heartbreak is devastating, and at times damn embarrassing. My main question was, how could something hurt, and embarrass me as much as this did, without actually killing me? Whose stupid system was this? Really? No shit... I wanted to know!


So, in the middle of a paid hour of self pity, with my eyes red and puffy and otherwise swollen shut from the effort to fix my problems, I glanced outside the window of my therapists office, to see what looked like an old record resting in the window of the apartment building next door. Those particular apartments sat just a couple blocks off the Cal Berkeley campus, and as such, there was always something wonderful and unusual that could be found nearby or in the neighborhood. It's just quirky that way.


I had made it a regular part of my visits to my therapist, to bring along my camera, for those times when I would reach a wall/ If that happened I would take the camera out and snap something. A shadow on the wall. A bird that would sometimes come and rest on the small ledge outside the window. Whatever caught my eye, and could serve as a momentary break from the pain I was in. It always worked to help me focus, and then resume the dialog with the therapist.


I was intrigued by the sight on an old fashioned record in the window. What could it be? Was it something magnificently meaningful, like an album of Jack Kerouc poetry? Maybe it was a full album of The Mupputs singing the best of AC/DC. Or perhaps it was William Shatner singing Rocket Man, by Elton John. I sat the rest of the hour, in a lot less pain, because I was more interested in what the record was, then wallowing another second more in my own useless whining. So, when the hour was up, I snapped off a few photos of the window next door, and the record, so I could find out when I got home, what had saved me from myself that day.


 


The record was Side 2 of the soundtrack to the movie Hair. LOL. How cool is that? Here I was, in downtown Berkeley, Hippie East Bay, and that record could have been anything, but it wasn't, it was Hair. You know...the play about the counterculture of the 1960's which overall message was one of anti-war, but also about how one should stop taking life so hard, and embrace it. Life is for the living. Sigh, Messages I really needed that day. Things I really needed to deal with.


I won't go into anymore detail about what specifically was hurting me that day, I will just share that it felt very much like the universe was telling me that yes, it was time to move on. And yes, it was ok to do so.


Sometimes, the universe sends you all you need to know... you just have to be willing to listen.




 And now, a little music... enjoy!


  The Original Motion Picture, Hair, "Age Of Aquarius/Let The Sun Shine"



5TH Dimension...  "Age Of Aquarius/Let The Sun Shine"





~Me :)

If It's Not One Thing It's Your Mother!

"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing begins."

-Tori Amos

Tomorrow

Yesterday, Wednesday, was my last day in therapy. It has been a once a week look into myself, for over seven years. It was an intense time to be sure, but had I not given myself chance to heal, after the event which shall remain nameless happened, I am not too sure I would be alive today to write this entry. I had been in therapy on and off for most of my life, and had worked with 44 different therapists, then one day I met Sarah, who was my therapist for the last three years, and who I saw for the last time yesterday. Of all the therapists I have worked with, Sarah is the one who gave me the strongest hand up from despair. When I met her three years ago, I was still so inside myself. Little by little we worked through those hurtful moments from long ago, and some from not so long ago, that life has handed me. The broken family relationships, the trust issues, the broken heart moments, the frustration with world events, and to some degree, the original cause of my break. She helped me overcome the terror of the day the the world caved in... and the pain of the months and years that followed.

Where The Hurt Sat

I will miss Sarah very much, but I finally feel that I am back to being not just me, but perhaps the best version of me that's ever been. With seven years of intense therapy behind me, the time has come to start using those coping methods I have learned to start standing on my own two feet. I know that at some point I may need to go back to therapy, because lets face it, life has a way of pushing us through doors, without necessarily asking if we want to go through them. LOL. Like when we lose someone we love so much, or we find ourselves in a position to change jobs, or when we somehow start believing that life is just plain unfair... and we don't know what to do. :( Somehow, however, I think I can cope with the future better now, then at any point previously in my life. Partly because I have personally matured, partly because I have learned a lesson or two, but mostly because I now know I deserve the best life I can make for myself. Gone are those ghosts who liked to tell me I was worthless, and talentless. They have been proven wrong, they have been proven liars!

Sarah

Sarah... thank you so much for all you have done for me. For all your guidance, especially in the last 8 months. Thank you for understanding me when I cried so hard... lol... I wasn't even sure of what I had said...lol... and most of all, thank you for sharing your gift of healing. I wish you much happiness.
:)

"Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother." - Robin Williams


-OndineMonet
"Wednesdays With The Lamp"
Berkeley, California
August, 2007
11:00 AM

Images From Yesterday

"Those artists who say that somehow therapy or analysis will thwart their creativity are completely misinformed. It's absolutely the opposite. It opens doors."

-Paul Schrader

As you know, Wednesday's are a busy day for me. I have therapy first thing in the morning with Sarah, then I try my best to continue on with my day, as if all was perfectly fine. I do all the normal things. Hmmm... normal things? Sometimes I wonder about what normal means. Does it mean I do the shopping? Go out to lunch? Sign a petition? Prepare dinner? Make the bed? Smile politely when someone asks me, "How are you today?" It is such a pat answer, do any of us really expect any other answer than, "Just fine thank you?"

Truth is, most days, even therapy days, are just fine, although therapy days are perhaps my most challenging of all the days of the week. Yesterday... was challenging. I dealt with some more recent things that have been invading my peace of mind. Recent let downs, and losses. Sarah and I talked about Mr. November, and what it means to let go. We talked about how Alan and I are doing really well... and feeling really close. Not that it was an issue or anything, but with marriage comes those inevitable moments of normalcy, which can impersonate mundane with great ease.

Fortunately he and I talk, and we work on things, which keeps us going the right way. And if for some reason we do start to drift, Elvis will make his feelings known. He will have no part of our family not being happy with each other. That cat has been amazing for our marriage. It felt good to share with Sarah that Alan and I recently had a long talk about where our marriage is, and also be able to talk about the past with ease. It was freeing, still, therapy is work. It's hard work, and it leaves me very sad, and very tired at the end of the hour. Thank goodness Sarah doesn't mind that I bring my camera to every session, because right in the middle of all the sadness, I sometimes see the world differently, because right out the window that sits to my right, is the world. And in the world is art...

Art. Art that is sometimes by mistake, sometimes on purpose. Art that speaks to my soul, and reminds me that life is just what is in front of us. Like the weather, it is constantly changing, and I can adjust myself to be comfortable with it, or I can sit on a couch, in my therapist's office in Berkeley, California, and cry, and complain, and wish that it didn't hurt so bad sometimes. Yesterday, in the middle of wishing, I looked out the window, and I saw a record sitting in the window of the building next door. I couldn't make out what the name of the album was, but I felt something when I saw it, so I listened to that instinctual voice in me, that tells me when to snap a photo, and I did just that... I took the picture.

When I got home, I enlarged the photo, and found it was side 2 of the soundtrack to the Broadway musical, "Hair." I was floored. All around Berkeley these days, you can see the very same sights you would have probably seen in the late 60's and the early 70's, when "Hair" was playing on stage originally. Back then it was Vietnam, today it is Iraq. We are still trying to get the message about the decline environment to be heard.We've made progress with Civil Rights, but lost ground on Civil Liberties. People's Park is still filled with the homeless, do you know that over 50% of homeless are veterans? And as I drove past a certain group of protesters, I was impressed to see that they were senior citizens, who were making their voices heard, about the injustice that is coming out of the Bush administration. Damn Hippies! LOL.

As of April 4th, 2007

Sigh. Life is painful. Life is a series of moments, that somehow become years. Can you believe it's been 5 1/2 years since 9/11? Or 4 years since we invaded Iraq? Sometimes it all feels like just yesterday. Life goes by so fast, and before you know it, well... you know... it moves forward whether we are ready to accompany it or not. Life does not ask our permission for anything, but hopefully, if we are very lucky, when we put it all together we are not so sad, that we can't find the strength to acknowledge the losses, search for our own personal truth, and find the art life, not just the pain.

Easy To Be Hard
From "Hair"

How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel?
Easy to be hard, easy to be cold
How can people have no feelings? How can they ignore their friends?
Easy to be proud, easy to say no.

And especially people who care about strangers
Who care about evil and social injustice
Do you only care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend? I need a friend.

How can people be so heartless? You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in, easy to help out

And especially people who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you care only about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend? I need a friend.

-OndineMonet
"Another Wednesday"
Berkeley, California
April 4th, 2007
Late Morning

Wednesday's At 11 With Sarah

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

-Richard Lewis

Leonardo da Vinci once said about art that, " it is never finished, only abandoned." If that's true about art... then I believe it is certainly true about therapy. I have been in therapy, in one form or another since I was 7 years old. That is a long time. LOL. Actually, there was a brief time in the early 1990's when I was blissfully sane. All was right with the world. Then the inevitable happened... LIFE. Well, actually, LIFE and Death. And also in there came stupid health issues like Epstein-Barr, and the onset of Panic Attacks. I still don't exactly know how or why I began having those, but I tell you what, I resolved to stop them from happening, and I saw it through. I occasionally get a pang of anxiety out of nowhere, but it no longer paralyzes me. I worked hard. I still work hard, just like so many other folks out there who are brave enough to face their personal demons, and deal with pain.

Pain. Does it ever amaze you just how many different directions pain can come at you from? Loss, unrealized desires, life frustrations, physical health issues, geographical moves, and so many more. I have dealt with my share, or so I always say just before some new stupid thing happens to make me sad. I like to think I have control over my own life... but realistically... of course I don't. My free will doesn't affect the decision someone else might make about their own life, which consequentially might spill over into mine. Take for example the drama that happened last week between my neighbors. I was sitting right here, happily working away on my computer, editing photos from a brilliantly lovely day, last year. All of a sudden, my neighbor is outside, screaming stupid, incoherent nonsense to the top of his lungs, which might be best described as a hissy fit. A grown man, stomping his feet and foaming at the mouth, because he was put out over something trivial.

That's not how I wanted to spend my night. Sheesh. "Hey buddy, do you need a plugsy (pacifier)?" Well, of course I didn't say that... but I wonder what he would have said, or done, if I had. Who knows? I wonder sometimes to myself, and I even asked Sarah a couple times, "Why should I be in therapy, working through stuff that is incredibly painful, trying to achieve good mental health, if nobody else is?" POUT. "Well," said Sarah, "Because you deserve to life the full happy life, and the truth is, you can't control how other's choose to live their life, but you can choose how you live yours." See, that's why she is the therapist. LOL.

"The Lamp" By Roy Lichtenstein

Sarah is the 45th therapist I have had in my lifetime. I asked her a little over a year ago, if she thought I might ever never need therapy, or was I doomed to have a standing appointment with the couch for Wednesday's, at 11, for the rest of my life. Does there come a point when, I will be done, finished, graduated to the world with a certificate in sanity? She smiled. She said nothing. For a long time. Then she said, " You have made amazing progress, you have all the skills you need for living in the world. So the question is... do you feel ready, or is there still some things you want to talk about?" I sat there, on that well worn in couch, where I am sure many tears have been shed over pain similar to my own, and suddenly I was aware of just how quiet the world seemed. I wasn't laughing, I wasn't crying, but inside my brain was a thousand questions... and I knew... I still had a ways to go.

Just before last Christmas, I asked her the same questions. Was I there yet? She said, "Yes." I anticipated that she might ask me if I felt I was there yet. She didn't, but I thought about that question anyway. Sigh. I think about a thousand questions came to mind, this time, however, I was answering them for myself. God I hate loss, I hate change. I hate that sometimes, people leave your life before you are ready to say goodbye. I hate the limbs that life makes us all go out on. I hate that love can be, at the same time, Ecstasy and Hell. I hate that I don't understand how it works, or how it can happen without our permission. But I know that I am happy it exists, and that I have it in my life in many forms. I don't really fear it like I once did, because sometimes love is just what happens to you, when you are busy making other plans. ;) My wonderful therapist Sarah, who has helped me find my way back to life, will be moving on to other opportunities at the end of the summer. I will miss our Wednesday at 11:00 appointments, but I am looking forward to just being in life again, flying solo, knowing I will land safely.

"Art enables us to find ourselves, and lose ourselves at the same time."

-Thomas Merton

-OndineMonet
"The Lamp"
Berkeley, California
Autumn, 2006
Morning