Change-A-Palooza

"Never miss an opportunity to see anything that is beautiful."

~Janet Hobson

I didn't post yesterday, but it's okay, right? I was busy. Busy wrapping presents, baking 6 dozen cookies, paying the bills that get paid in the middle of the month, doing laundry, photographing more leaves, searching recipes for Baked Ham, bringing in all the late packages ordered from Amazon.com and Groupon, 15 at last count, tracking down a new noise in the house I never heard before and de-worming the cat. Hendrix to be exact. Yes, he has worms... again!

This time, because I can't face putting him through the stress of putting him in a kennel and driving him 90 miles to see Dr. B., we are trying the tablets that kill worms. It takes about a week to work, but from what I have read it does the job. If it doesn't work, I will slip my kitty some Valium, and myself as well, and we will drive down to the Bay Area to the best doctor ever! Or will I? 

That's the debate between Alan and I. He wants to find someone closer, for Hendrix's sake. He doesn't want to put him through the long drive and the stress of the car and all the scary sounds. I want to make sure my kitty gets the best care possible, and that means Dr. B. . The problem is, my argument that Hendrix will be okay once he is home again, isn't a terribly strong one. I know Alan is right, but it doesn't make either of us very happy.

Sigh.

 Losing Dr. B, is probably the worst part of what happened. 

Sigh.

I guess I should find the boys a doctor up here, if for nothing else, emergencies, but it's difficult to trust anyone other than Dr. B., he is amazing, but I have to do whats right for the boys. Right? But what is that exactly? It's less stress for them to have a doctor here in town, but what if I can't find one who will be as good as their current one? Taking them on the 90 mile drive will terrify them, but I will have piece of mind that they are getting the best care possible. Either way, I hope these pills do the trick, I don't want my boys to be uncomfortable. I love them. They are my children. And as I sit here I guess I know what I have to do. I have to find them a doctor up here. 

Weep.

Sigh.

Stupid.

It's All Just Stupid.

And what is my lesson for the last full day of autumn?

Things Change.

Sometimes everything does, all in a single action.

I think I will concentrate on that plate of cookies,

 it's a thing of beauty. So are the leaves...

Leaf Of The Day

December 19th 2015

Leaf Of The Day

December 20th 2015

Mood: Exasperated/Sad/Frustrated

~Me

The Love Story Of Donny And Nina (Not Their Real Names)

"If I throw a stick, will you leave?"
~Unknown

True story. Only Certain Names Have Been Changed.

Okay, so Saturday night I was a bit out of sorts. It's been an emotional couple weeks over my way. The plane crash at SFO really upset me. It was depressing and scary.  It will be at least a year before we have any final word on the exact cause, and while some things seem obvious now, I am trying to wait and see what the NTSB says in it's final report. So I was feeling that stress. Now, the added element of that ridiculous mistake made at KTVU about airing those blatantly racist names as the true names of the pilots of Asiana 214, both embarrassed me and pissed me off! I would have thought that a network affiliate, hell any news outlet, would have checked, double checked, triple checked those names before they ever reached the anchor desk! It's sad. But the news networks have to fight each other to get the scoop. So, there you go. They certainly did get the scoop!

"When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head."
~Unknown

As for Saturday night's verdict in the George Zimmerman trial, well, HELL! What do we have to do to get justice in this country? The jurors ruled, and reserving judgement about them because we haven't heard from them as yet, but I feel the prosecution team did a truly less than stellar job, and it was obvious. I am also hugely unimpressed with the forensics team that did such a bad job of collecting evidence, but even with all that, in my opinion, the jury still should have brought back at least a verdict of manslaughter. Zimmerman brought a gun, to a situation that could have been accomplished with words, had he not decided in his own mind that Trayvon Martin was up to no good. Why couldn't he have introduced himself throughout the neighborhood, to all his neighbors, as the volunteer neighborhood watch captain? Or taken similar steps. Why couldn't he have I.D. himself to Trayvon early on that night? Why did he have to assume anything?

"Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on it's own."
~Unknown

So I am sitting at my desk late Saturday night, tweeting, and having a good cry for that poor child, Trayvon Martin, when what do I hear? Not Alan snoring, not the cats playing, but rather the shrewish cry of my neighbor Nina (not her real name) yelling at the love of her life Donny (not his real name).  See the above graphic. And for the next 5 hours there was various expletives, and thuds as object flung in passion hit assorted walls and gates. Love was in the air. And I don't know why, but in the middle of all the noise I just started laughing! I went from crying a deep down mournful cry that really hurt, to laughing my ass off! Mood swing much? If I could assign one word to describe the last couple weeks, that word would be ABSURD! It's just been one damn absurd moment, event, decision or discussion right after another, none of which directly affecting me, but still a poignant presence nonetheless.

"I used to think you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you."
~Unknown

The last thing I heard from the love birds last night was the sound of the their gate slamming shut. Donny left around 2:15 A.M. or so. He hasn't been back as far as I can tell. It's probably a smart thing to remove oneself from a heated situation, so for that I applaud him! The thing is, this couple has been a pain in the ass to everyone on this property since the day they moved in almost 4 years ago. I would be lying if I said I would be sad if they moved. I wish. I pray that one day this property can just go back to the way it was before they moved here. But I now have a deeper insight into some of the problems. We have heard bickering going on for years. Lots of immature stuff. But, what occurs on me, about why they are so nasty to everyone on the property, is that fact that it all comes down to control. If you can't get along with the person you have chosen to live with, then you are going to go out of your way to not care about others around you. If you feel beaten down, chances are you will probably become a bully.

And they both have.

They have lied about people living here. They make noise after having been told to respect others quiet. They take things, that don't belong to them. They let their dog bark and throw his body against the fence we share, just for the purpose of disturbing others, especially me. I have asked more than once for them to put the dog in when running errands, for my well being as well as "Snoopy's." Not his real name of course. It breaks my heart to hear his little whelp as his body hits the fence. That dog loves Donny with all his heart, and when Donny leaves, "Snoopy" just wants him to come back. I overheard one day, Donny say to Nina... "The property management told us to put Snoopy in." To which she replied a resounding "FUCK NO! No one tells me what to do!" Donny... "But we're gonna get in trouble."

Donny sounded like a little kid just then. And I think I felt very sorry for him in that moment. Not that Nina had dictated to him how things were going to be, like it or not,  but rather I felt bad that an adult couple, both in their 30's, apparently had the emotional maturity of a couple of teenagers. Other people's children, what can you do? Thank GOD for better living through chemistry, thank GOD for Valium!

"Too many freaks, not enough circuses."
 ~Unknown

Mood: Tired/Emotional/Ok

~Me

#51

"I wish you'd help me look into a more interesting problem... namely, my sanity."

~Kurt Vonnegut, Welcome To The Monkey House

Sigh.

I am beginning with a sigh because, well, a little later today I will be meeting my new therapist. Yes. Another therapist. This one will make a lifetime total of... hold on to your hats... wait for it... 51. Yep, I have had 51 therapists in my 51 years of life. Wow. That sounds like a lot... doesn't it? Yes. 51! But hey, it's not like I am all that crazy, at least not anymore, I am just, well, you know, in need of clarity from time to time. And that's normal... right? I mean there was that brief time from 1998 through 2003 when I was a bit, shall we say, NUTS. But that was then, 10 years later, a full decade later, I am once again running with all my gears working just fine. But from time to time it is good to take one in for a tune up, especially with a model as old as I am. LOL.

Besides, it's time to refill the Valium. Now before you get all judgmental, I only go through 60 a year, which is not to bad. And frankly, most of the time I cope pretty well without it. I don't like Valium, but it does help with my restless leg syndrome. Sometimes. Mostly I take a Valium when I can't deal with the sound of my neighbors dog hitting the fence, and falling to the ground with a that inevitable whelp. My neighbor is an ass. I wish he would move. Too bad we don't live in the land of wishes. If we did, I wouldn't wish he would move, I would wish he would love his dog more than he hated me. I wish he would love the dog as much as his dog loves him. If that were the case the neighbor would be a much happier person. And that would make everyone around him happier as well.

You can't live other peoples lives for them.

So, I live my life. And once in a while Valium helps me do it.

In the trailer for the new Woody Allen movie, Blue Jasmine, the character of Jasmine, in her despair, laments, "There's only so many traumas a person can withstand till they take to the streets and start screaming." Boy oh boy does that resonate with me. 10 years ago I broke free from a deep, 5 year long depression, which included Anhedonia, as if the sadness wasn't enough. Call me an overachiever. But that was then and this is now and here I am today, as happy as I can find the energy to be. Am I perfect? Is my life perfect? Well I, and my life, have our moments, but for the most part it's all good. Good is good. Good means there is room to grow. I don't think I would want perfect. Perfect sounds boring. I mean, where do you go from there?

Enter #51

Mood: Reflective

~Me :)

Coping Mechanisms

"People say time will help you heal and move on, but it's not true. Time only teaches you to manage the tears so they fall when you are alone, because everyone else thinks you should be okay by now."

~Kaliana Dietrich

It's true. Time does heal you. But it's also true that time does teach you to manage things. It's also true that those who love you, friends, relatives, sometimes even mere acquaintances will expect you to return to your old self in their time periods... not yours. You don't have a say in it. You can give it a try and pretend to be okay, but you will eventually grow to resent the pressure to conform.

At the moment I find myself in a frustrating situation. I am being bullied by a neighbor. We had a falling out 2 years ago in one of those "final straw" moments. He doesn't just bully me, he bullies anyone he feels he can get away with bullying. Because he doesn't know when to stop, he always ends up getting his fingers slapped, but he will eventually start up again. It's pretty much a regular pattern. Behaviors such as making as much noise as possible without breaking the law. Letting his dog bark at 3:00 in the morning, then he reminds all of us who live around him that he has a police scanner on his iPhone and can quiet the dog before they arrive. Stupid immature behaviors like that.

I've done some research on bullies, and I have a new insight about things. Adult bullies were often bullied as children. If their parents, or teachers, didn't or wouldn't, or couldn't teach them proper coping mechanisms, they often grow up to become bullies themselves. It's not an excuse for their anti-social behavior, but it's a reason.  I try to have compassion. I try to remember that deep down the neighbor is seeking attention. I try. GOD HELP ME I TRY! But I am only human! I try. But there are times when I could just pack up and move from my cottage, but I cannot let someone drive me from a home I have lived in, comfortably, for nearly 15 years... and I won't. To give in is to empower the bully, and you know what happens after that!

So, I am trying my best to learn to have compassion, and understand that his behavior is more about his struggles than mine, and hope that one day he will tire of his own behavior... Probably not likely, but people do, sometimes, change for the better. What can I do? At age 51 I don't give into bullies, and especially not in his case. But for the sake of debate lets say I did move, I would always wonder if the empowerment I would be handing him, would be passed onto whoever moved in after me. I have seen him drive other neighbors off the property with his baloney, and that's exactly what happens each time, he becomes a bigger monster.

Truly, I would feel bad about passing that kind of a haunted house along to someone.

As for how I am dulling the pain and anxiety... with... my choice of coping mechanisms...

Alan, Head Phones, Researching The Subject, Old Movies, My Cats And Yes, The Occasional Valium.

For every evil under the sun
There is a remedy or there is none
If there be one seek till you find it
If there be none then never mind it

~Mother Goose

Mood: Quiet

~Me

PS: About the photo for this post. I saw these items in a shopping cart in the parking lot of a K-Mart here in the East Bay. I haven't touched them in any way, this is exactly as they were arranged. In a weird way it made me feel less alone.