Quiet

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

~Albert Einstein

 

On Saturday, after I finished photographing the wreckage of the Asiana Airlines Flight 214, I decided to chill out for a few minutes before leaving BayFront Park. I was a bit tired, and it was an eerie feeling of seeing the reminents of what had been a pretty large aircraft just sitting still on the runway, with large, gaping holes and clear signs of having been on fire just a few hours earlier. I don't know that I was exactly ready for the sight in front of me, but I took the shots I wanted, and then recognizing the growing anxiety welling up, I stopped and sat in the grass for a bit, to just rest and decide how I wanted to approach yesterday's post.

Across the small body of water that seperates the airport from the park, were some cute little birds, Sandpipers I think, doing some fishing, completely oblivious to human tradgety not too far away. It was a nice sight. I took these two pictures, and immediately felt better, as so often happens when I have my camera with me. I kinda tease myself sometimes, that my camera is actually fused to my hand, but seriously, my cameras have always brought me so much comfort, that really and they really are a part of my body at this point. The best part of my body... lol... I have been told I have pretty eyes, but they aren't my best feature, my camera is! LOL. As we begin another Monday, I will be starting the day a little quiet, and happy for the real miracles that happen every day! Oh... and for my cameras!

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

~Dr. Suess

Mood: Quiet

~Me :)

Coping Mechanisms

"People say time will help you heal and move on, but it's not true. Time only teaches you to manage the tears so they fall when you are alone, because everyone else thinks you should be okay by now."

~Kaliana Dietrich

It's true. Time does heal you. But it's also true that time does teach you to manage things. It's also true that those who love you, friends, relatives, sometimes even mere acquaintances will expect you to return to your old self in their time periods... not yours. You don't have a say in it. You can give it a try and pretend to be okay, but you will eventually grow to resent the pressure to conform.

At the moment I find myself in a frustrating situation. I am being bullied by a neighbor. We had a falling out 2 years ago in one of those "final straw" moments. He doesn't just bully me, he bullies anyone he feels he can get away with bullying. Because he doesn't know when to stop, he always ends up getting his fingers slapped, but he will eventually start up again. It's pretty much a regular pattern. Behaviors such as making as much noise as possible without breaking the law. Letting his dog bark at 3:00 in the morning, then he reminds all of us who live around him that he has a police scanner on his iPhone and can quiet the dog before they arrive. Stupid immature behaviors like that.

I've done some research on bullies, and I have a new insight about things. Adult bullies were often bullied as children. If their parents, or teachers, didn't or wouldn't, or couldn't teach them proper coping mechanisms, they often grow up to become bullies themselves. It's not an excuse for their anti-social behavior, but it's a reason.  I try to have compassion. I try to remember that deep down the neighbor is seeking attention. I try. GOD HELP ME I TRY! But I am only human! I try. But there are times when I could just pack up and move from my cottage, but I cannot let someone drive me from a home I have lived in, comfortably, for nearly 15 years... and I won't. To give in is to empower the bully, and you know what happens after that!

So, I am trying my best to learn to have compassion, and understand that his behavior is more about his struggles than mine, and hope that one day he will tire of his own behavior... Probably not likely, but people do, sometimes, change for the better. What can I do? At age 51 I don't give into bullies, and especially not in his case. But for the sake of debate lets say I did move, I would always wonder if the empowerment I would be handing him, would be passed onto whoever moved in after me. I have seen him drive other neighbors off the property with his baloney, and that's exactly what happens each time, he becomes a bigger monster.

Truly, I would feel bad about passing that kind of a haunted house along to someone.

As for how I am dulling the pain and anxiety... with... my choice of coping mechanisms...

Alan, Head Phones, Researching The Subject, Old Movies, My Cats And Yes, The Occasional Valium.

For every evil under the sun
There is a remedy or there is none
If there be one seek till you find it
If there be none then never mind it

~Mother Goose

Mood: Quiet

~Me

PS: About the photo for this post. I saw these items in a shopping cart in the parking lot of a K-Mart here in the East Bay. I haven't touched them in any way, this is exactly as they were arranged. In a weird way it made me feel less alone.

I'm A Big Chicken

"There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them."

-Andre Gide

Like the title of this entry says, I am a big chicken. My first instinct in all situations that initially frighten me, is to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, so you can imagine what a funfest I was to live with when I was having as many as 5 panic attacks a day. Now actually, that was a rarity, but it did happen. Then one day I took a wonderful class called M.A.P. (Managing Panic and Anxiety). It was a 13 week course, and by the time I had completed it, I had cured myself of panic attacks, but it was work. Hard work! I took that class in 1995, and since that time I have only had 3 anxiety attacks, one of which happened yesterday. When I took the class it was impressed upon us that there was no way to eliminate anxiety completely, so the possibility that I could have a panic attack at some point in the future was almost certain, but the class taught me some strong emotional coping skills, that has never failed to see me through an attack. Everything comes down to retraining the inner tapes we all play in any given situation, even the ones we play when we are in full panic mode for no apparent reason.

As my heart began to pound, and my hands and feet went numb, I gave careful attention to my breathing. Remembering to stop and center myself, I began to focus on the chair that was holding me up. I took two long, deep breaths, and began to become aware of the sounds in my immediate environment. The wind in the trees, the new set of butterfly wind chimes I bought the other day, a siren up the road, the theme song to One Life To Live, playing on the TV in the next room. I let myself become aware very slowly of everything that affected my five senses, because I was taught that what triggers a panic attack is usually my senses picking up on a moment of stress or anxiety that has been stored away by my subconscious. The original fear doesn't have to be present, to make it's presence known.

So what was scaring me? Well, later today I have my class in diabetes basics. It is a one time class, that will teach me about what comes next in my management of the disease. I will admit that while I am looking forward to learning more about what's happening to my body, taking the class is scary. Scary because it makes it all real. Really real. I am still a little shaky about being diagnosed diabetic. The truth is, I could do everything I am told, right by the instructions, and still not be able to control my diabetes. Sigh. What if I fail? What if I do my best... and fail? In the end, all I can do is my best. Educate myself, talk about it here, ask my peers for advice, ask my doctor for advice, and do what I must. Millions manage living with diabetes everyday. Right?

You have to remember however, I am the girl who hates change. It's just that when things change, they usually do so without your permission. People move away and leave your life, and all you can do is wish them well and wave goodbye. Right? So what do you do with the pain that is left after they have gone? Ignore it? Wish it away? No, you pretty much have to face it, give it it's due and mourn it. Then you can move on. As we grow older, our bodies change, and finding ourselves in surreal situations like getting diabetes, suddenly becomes a real fact of life, with or without our permission. And again, you have to face it, give it it's due, and deal with what comes next. Sometimes I think, more then being a big chicken, I am mostly a control freak. I don't want to have diabetes. But who does? So, now what? Well, I would say it's time to COWBOY UP!

I am trying my best, and to my own credit I am succeeding slowly. I can give myself some credit for jumping into this new lifestyle and allowing myself to heal through learning and occasionally I have a good cry about things. It's a very mind clearing thing to have a good solid cry. You know, like how clear everything seems after a summer rain shower. OK, I might always feel the initial panic and urge to run in the other direction, but after I recognize the fear for what it is, I dig in and get down to work. It's a sink or swim world, and at one point I was drowning. Once you face not killing yourself, you always know that you will be able to find your way back to the surface... no matter how dark and deep the water gets.

So, I have my Diabetes Basics class today, and tomorrow I learn how to use my OneTouch Ultra meter for the first time. Please throw me a life preserver, wish me luck, and a little courage, OK?

:)

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."

-Ambrose Redmond

-OndineMonet
"Big Chicken"
Berkeley, California
December, 2006
Late Evening