I Am A Very Active Shutterbug... 2586 Seconds

"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence."

~Ansel Adams

2586 seconds. Going all the way back to 2005. Those seconds actually became more minutes than I can count, if you factor in editing, and posting, and searching for the exact quote to fit with the picture, that set the mood for my postings here on Ellipsis. I kept that Flickr account for folks who would rather look than read. I understood that preference. Sometimes I didn't really want my blog words to overshadow the point of my photography. And sometimes I just didn't have the words. Sometimes it's the photo that needs to be what make the point, and if you've truly captured a moment that can yell louder than words, then you've accomplished something as a photographer... well... at least as... "a would be, hopeful, semi-professional photographer."

That quote was from The Stepford Wives. It was the character of, Joanna Eberhart, explaining to the local welcome lady, who also had her own column in the local paper, where newcomers to the village were introduced to the community, that that was who she was as a person. But even after that quote was given to the columnist, Joanna was still described in the paper as a... "newcomer to Stepford, and very active shutterbug." When I watched that scene, I realized that Joanna and I both shared the same dream, the dream to be remembered one day, through our photography. But as it turned out for Joanna, that would never happen. I don't want to give away what her husband had in mind when he moved them to Stepford, in case you are one of the 4 people who doesn't know the story, but here is a hint, Walter Eberhart, like the rest of the men of Stepford, suffered from deadly case of chauvinism. Deadly for Joanna, that is!

I have never known a minute, or second of that. For most of the 2586 seconds that it took to create those photographs, Alan was right by my side. He was the one who put the camera in my hand, and drove me anywhere I wanted to go, just so I could create something, anything, that would replace the debilitating psychological pain I was in. I went through one of those life changing events, that some folks don't come back from. At one point I had sunk so far into despair, that I ended up with Anhedonia, and it was at that point, he encouraged me to step outside myself, and into the seconds that go by. And, as it turned out, it was all those seconds adding up, that gave me my heart and mind back. It was hard as HELL to find something to care about, but we took it slow, and after a while I began a blog on AOL Journals where I could put words and pictures together, and within a year or two, I was well on my way to healing.

After AOL Journals folded up, I migrated over here to Blogger, along with several of my AOL friends, and also to Flickr to display my photos. I am still in contact with several of them, but we lost my friend Steven, back in 2009. I loved him, and he was an amazing friend and mentor when it came to my photography. I wouldn't be nearly as good today, had it not been for his encouragement and help when it came to some of the technical aspects of taking a decent photograph. I miss his friendship, and I think about him often. He was an amazing photographer, and he had a gentle soul. He and Alan both guided me along with the healing that needed to happen. Alan in real life, and Steven in my Internet life. So, unlike Joanna Eberhart, it wasn't the men in my life that held me back, instead it was the men in my life that helped me flourish as a photographer, and as a person!

But back to why I have that picture posted. It seems that the free Flickr accounts will only be able to display 1,000 photos, beginning on January 9th. That meant I needed to download my my collections or risk losing them. So I have been a bit busy the last few days, and I will continue to be busy for the next several weeks as I bring them over to Google Photos and arrange them in some sort of album groupings that make sense. And yes, one day the bottom will fall out of that as well, but you see, "I am a very active shutterbug" and therefore it's just something I have to deal with. It's tough being a "would be, hopeful, semi-professional photographer." But when all those seconds add up, its more than worth it!

~Mood: Happy/Thankful

~Me  :)

S

Razors pain you, rivers are damp.

Acids stain you, and drugs cause a cramp.

Guns aren't lawful. Nooses give.

Gas smells awful, so you might as well live.

~Dorothy Parker

  Enough Rope

As I begin yet another Monday, I am thinking about someone I have never met, and probably never will. Bobbi Kristina Brown. She is the daughter of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, and as I write this, all news reports seem to be indicating that she is, in effect, brain dead. She was found Saturday, face down in the bathtub of her home in Georgia. The whole situation is eerily reminiscent of the way her mother was found dead, nearly three years ago. It's all so sad. Bobbi Kristina is so young, a pretty, and talented girl, who could have enjoyed a bright future, but instead she apparently gave into the pain of losing her mother. Not much has been said about the incident, I am sure more will come out in the next few days and weeks, but right now it's all just so tragic, although I have to admit, it doesn't really surprise me much. If it wasn't deliberate, and it was an accidental overdose, either way, I wish she would have had some stronger support for her emotional needs. I wish she could have found a way to manage her pain, without dulling it, by putting a drug band-aid on it. I wish something could have been done for her well being. 

I have been so lucky in my life. When I was deeply depressed, and considering my own life, and whether it was worth working through the pain I was in, I was amazingly lucky to find resources to strengthen me. At the time it all seemed useless, and it didn't make a lot of sense when my therapist spoke to me, in fact I told her that when she spoke, all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I knew she was speaking, but I couldn't seem to comprehend the words. She told me she understood, and it was normal to feel that way, but encouraged me to stay with it. She explained that I was indeed retaining the words she was saying, and their meaning, and that one day I would be able to understand them in context. And she was right. I did one day. I was in such deep pain, for a very long time, and then one day, and I was numb all over. I had zero emotion on most days, and for a while I couldn't pick out my own clothing. Nothing looked right together. It's called Anhedonia, and it lasted the better part of three years. I see now, that the Anhedonia is probably what saved me. I took a break from feeling anything, until I could face the pain, and process the skills I had learned to handle it. 

The best piece of advice I ever got, in my entire life, my doctor told me when I was in the deep end of the emotional pool...

"Suicide is the ultimate FUCK YOU that you can't take back."

~Dr. B.

I hate suicide. I hate it's lies. I hate it's truths. 

I just hate it!

Mood: Quiet

~Me

Smile, You Woke Up Today!

"When you love something, you want to do it all the time, even if no one is paying you for it. At least that's how I felt about drawing."

~Meg Cabot, All-American Girl

I love photography! I do! And that's why I find inspiration everywhere! It's pretty fair to say that I have taken at least a photo a day for the last ten years, well, with a few exceptions, mostly brought on by pain from my Fibromyalgia and then during the lull I experienced prior to being diagnosed with an under active thyroid. God, it sounds like excuses, but let me tell you, I missed being able to feel creative! It was eerily reminiscent of the years of Anhedonia. YIKES! Pathetic much? LOL. No, just human I guess. Life has a funny way of throwing you curves, I count myself lucky that I have conditions that can be treated! I got reminded about how lucky I was yesterday, while on my way to the Bay Bridge. A homeless man was standing in the middle of the street. He had a simple sign in his hands which read... "Smile, You Woke Up Today!" A simple reminder? Or a good swift kick in the backside?

I guess that is a very personal, and individual, revelation to be had and decided upon.

"Smile, You Woke Up Today." PASS IT ON!

Mood: Reflective

~Me :)

#51

"I wish you'd help me look into a more interesting problem... namely, my sanity."

~Kurt Vonnegut, Welcome To The Monkey House

Sigh.

I am beginning with a sigh because, well, a little later today I will be meeting my new therapist. Yes. Another therapist. This one will make a lifetime total of... hold on to your hats... wait for it... 51. Yep, I have had 51 therapists in my 51 years of life. Wow. That sounds like a lot... doesn't it? Yes. 51! But hey, it's not like I am all that crazy, at least not anymore, I am just, well, you know, in need of clarity from time to time. And that's normal... right? I mean there was that brief time from 1998 through 2003 when I was a bit, shall we say, NUTS. But that was then, 10 years later, a full decade later, I am once again running with all my gears working just fine. But from time to time it is good to take one in for a tune up, especially with a model as old as I am. LOL.

Besides, it's time to refill the Valium. Now before you get all judgmental, I only go through 60 a year, which is not to bad. And frankly, most of the time I cope pretty well without it. I don't like Valium, but it does help with my restless leg syndrome. Sometimes. Mostly I take a Valium when I can't deal with the sound of my neighbors dog hitting the fence, and falling to the ground with a that inevitable whelp. My neighbor is an ass. I wish he would move. Too bad we don't live in the land of wishes. If we did, I wouldn't wish he would move, I would wish he would love his dog more than he hated me. I wish he would love the dog as much as his dog loves him. If that were the case the neighbor would be a much happier person. And that would make everyone around him happier as well.

You can't live other peoples lives for them.

So, I live my life. And once in a while Valium helps me do it.

In the trailer for the new Woody Allen movie, Blue Jasmine, the character of Jasmine, in her despair, laments, "There's only so many traumas a person can withstand till they take to the streets and start screaming." Boy oh boy does that resonate with me. 10 years ago I broke free from a deep, 5 year long depression, which included Anhedonia, as if the sadness wasn't enough. Call me an overachiever. But that was then and this is now and here I am today, as happy as I can find the energy to be. Am I perfect? Is my life perfect? Well I, and my life, have our moments, but for the most part it's all good. Good is good. Good means there is room to grow. I don't think I would want perfect. Perfect sounds boring. I mean, where do you go from there?

Enter #51

Mood: Reflective

~Me :)

And Now, Blue Jasmine... The Movie Trailer

"Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with."

~Woody Allen

 

Finally... the trailer for Woody Allen's, Blue Jasmine, is here. The large picture above was taken at one of the filming locations in San Francisco, a few hours after filming wrapped for the day! LOL. On that day I was a few minutes late, and a Woody Allen short. If you look very closely at the trailer you will see this building, slightly altered for the film, but recognizable all the same. Alan and I only made it to two of the many locations used in the film, if I could I would have been at all of them, cameras with me, taking in the fun. Unfortunately, life... work, doctor's appointments... had to come first. That and good old fashioned mistiming. LOL. In the next few days that followed I was able to get the photos I wanted. Last August was the best part of the summer. The best part of any of my summers. :)

Okay... go watch the trailer. I can already tell it's going to be one of his movies that stays with you long after you have seen it. Kind of like Midnight In Paris, Manhattan, or Interiors. I already identify at bit with Jasmine. I have a profound first hand knowledge of what it feels like to have your life pulled out from under you... suddenly, and without your permission. Perspective gets lost in the pain, and yes, Xanax by the fist fulls becomes a bigger part of your life than breathing. That was my life 12 years ago. When they "no longer felt good about giving me Xanax, Anhedonia took over for me. Anyway, we will leave it at that. No need to numb every day, Anhedonia... is now just a distant memory.

And THANK GOODNESS. Because if I still had Anhedonia, I couldn't have taken the awesome photo you see above!

LOL. Go watch the trailer...

Mood: Grateful

~Me :)

The Folly Of Giving Up

"Resume"

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live.

~Dorothy Parker

I was very sad to hear about the suicide of country singer Mindy McCready. I wasn't really a fan, I only know a couple of her songs, but I appreciated what I heard. To be honest, I knew more about her personal life, and demons, than I did about her talent. But just because I didn't know much about her talent, doesn't mean it didn't hurt when I heard she had died. We are so lucky to have talent as a part of what makes us... well... us. Those in the arts that share their gifts with the world, make every single day better on earth. No matter what's happening, the arts can help one begin to heal. I knew this for sure on the afternoon of September 11, 2001, when the Ethereal Musician, you know the sax player in my neighborhood, began to play America on his horn. The wasn't a sound outside. No birds seemed to be in the trees. No planes taking off from Oakland airport in the sky, no sounds of children playing. Everyone was inside, glued to the TV, all except for the musician... healing himself, and his neighbors, through music.

In the spring of 2001 I was in a bad place psychologically speaking. I was very near giving up. I wanted for it to just happen. A meteor hit me. An accidental case of extreme food poisoning. Get hit by a bus. Something. Anything that could just let me leave my life behind. Anything to make the pain stop. Honestly, I am not sure exactly why I am alive now, because at the time, I didn't do myself any favors. Depression and Anhedonia had a complete hold on me, and I was in so much pain, I couldn't feel anymore. I don't even really remember that time with Elvis. I was THAT disconnected. I was that way for about 2 years or so, then one day Alan got my cameras out, and said go find something new and I tried. Failed. Tried again. Started a blog, this blog, and baby steps later, here I am. It took one day at a time, and like a person standing on the ledge of a building, it took... not... looking... down.

I finally healed. Through Alan and Elvis's love and patience. Through my online friendships. I healed because of Alan putting the camera in my hand. When I was ill I had NO IDEA that one day I would be standing on the corner of Lexington and 20th in San Francisco, watching Woody Allen making cinema magic. I didn't know until years later that he had also had a bout with Anhedonia, and that Anhedonia was the working title of Annie Hall. But he worked through it, and didn't give up. And I think about him sometimes when I have moments where I revisit the option of giving up. He didn't give up, and because of that, I have had many, many happy hours watching his brilliant movies. I don't just admire him for his talent... I admire him for his ability to not give up.

Suicide. It should be a four letter word. I heard once that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That couldn't be more true or accurate. Suicide gives those rooting for your downfall a lot of power. It robs you of all the moments of excitement and joy you can't even imagine happening. It hurts those who truly love you for the rest of their lives. The folly of suicide is the fact that you can't hold those who will mourn you, and help them heal. The act itself is personal selfishness on a catastrophic level, that never allows for I am sorry. Mindy McCready couldn't see beyond the pain. I know what that's like. But thank God, I made it out alive, because if you would have told me back in 2001 that I would be standing on a corner, in San Francisco, on a mild August day, watching Woody Allen filming a movie, and making inadvertent eye contact no less, I would have said... "You're nuttier than me!"

And wouldn't the joke have been on me?

I would have missed that sunset over Angel Island. Isn't it just about perfect?

I really do wish Mindy hadn't given up.

"Inventory"

Four be the things I am wiser to know...
Idleness, sorrow, a friend and foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without...
Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
Three things I shall never attain...
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die...
Laughter and hope and sock in the eye.

~Dorothy Parker

Mood: Quiet But Thankful

~Me :)

A Photo A Day For 6 Months:Day 105~ 9 Years Ago Today

"You don't make a photograph just with a camera. You bring to the act of photography all the pictures you have seen, the books you have read, the music you have heard, the people you have loved."

~Ansel Adams

Today is the 9th year I have been blogging. It doesn't seem like it could have possibly been that long, but it has. I had no idea what I was doing when I began my blog, I just knew it seemed like a good way to share about myself, and my therapist was overwhelmingly supportive of the endeavor. I think she would have approved of anything that would make me respond to life again. You see, due to a singularly mean spirited event that happened to me in 2000, I had spent roughly three years in a fully functioning, self induced coma. I was awake, and breathing, so to the causal observer I was fine, but to Alan and my therapist, I might as well have been in...well... a coma. After the event, which shall not be named, occurred, I shut down. And I did it so thoroughly that I developed Anhedonia. Let me tell you, Anhedonia is a pain like no other.

I don't want to spend too much time on this, because I couldn't be better now, but thinking back to the first day I started my blog, I know I wasn't sure it would do me much good, but I was willing to try, if for no other reason, then to prove how wrong both Alan and the therapist was for even suggesting it. But now, with that perfect backwards 20/20 vision, I know it was instrumental to my recovery. Anhedonia robs you of your ability to create. There is NO art. No developing recipes. No picking the perfect name for a pet. Hell, I couldn't even match up colors in my clothing when I was at my worst. Then one day, in the middle of the summer of 2003, I was swimming in my pool, and all kinds of emotions just began to swim over me. I was drowning in sadness, and happiness. I looked up and saw color again... the sky really was blue that day! huh...blue... go figure! I got out of the pool, went into the house, and checked out what this AOL Journals thing was all about.


And here I am. Plugging along. Anhedonia is only a stupid memory of my 3 year nap.



I have met so many wonderful people through blogging. I am thinking about them today. I miss my dear friends that have passed on. Pam. Kimberly. And of course, Steven. Steven was among my very first friends in the AOL Journals community. He began his journal, (sometimes) photoblog, just one day before I started Ellipsis. He was such a good photography teacher, he was helpful, and funny, and so understanding. He could tease with the best of them, but mostly he was a friend to whoever wanted to be friends with him. I miss him. So, so, much. I wish I could hop on over to his blog and say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. But I can't. It's times like this when I think, well, Anhedonia has it's place. But then I quickly realize that just thinking that way, would do a terrible disservice to our friendship. Steven was not a defeatist, and he wouldn't encourage others to be that way either. He would verbally spank me for even considering that. He had a good soul, so I kinda think he knows how much I am missing him today, but he would be the first to tell me... "go find some light... go find some art. Stop dwelling on negative things."

So, that's what I did yesterday.

I found out Woody Allen was at a small grocery store on 24th and Florida in the city. Steven would have thought that was a hoot! Thinking of him, Alan and I grabbed a salad and headed for the Bay Bridge. It was a cool day, and we were both excited to have another chance at photographing the artist. When we got there, it was apparent we had left a little late, as the studio crew was in full packing up mode. I think Woody must have gotten there really early, and did the filming prior to the  store's usual opening. Anyway, we had missed the boat, but because we are good with the idea of Plan B, we set about driving about the city looking for inspiration. Inspiration is one thing San Francisco is never lacking. Thank GOD.

As we drove along Mission street, at the end of the day, I spotted the two fellas you see in the photograph above. Aren't they great? It's actually a set of three "monstrous" faces and is called "Moonrise." The artist who created them is Ugo Rondinone. I have to go back and rephotograph them, because I was in the car when I spotted them and the third head was a out of my camera line. Personally, I adore them. They are whimsical and at the same time, I think I may have seen the one on the left in a nightmare when I was 3 or so. LOL. Anyway... they resonate with me. I would have them in my kitchen if I could. Yep... my kitchen... yes!

I love most public art. It gives any visitor to a city a much clearer impression of what the city is about I think. Art provokes thought. Thought... emotion. I like these two, and personally I would be quite comfortable sitting and talking to them, as both kind of remind my of some of my therapists from years past. No joke!

Well... maybe a little joke. LOL

:) ~Me

Today's Link...

JR
http://jrclinephotography.blogspot.com/2012/08/apadf6-104.html

Susan's Spot

"Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen."

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you probably know that something profoundly devastating happened in my life in the summer of 2000. Something life changing. I spent the next three years, pretty much detached from life. I rarely took photographs, and when I did, they weren't particularly good. I became somewhat of a recluse, except for a few very special places I felt comfortable going to. To the people I saw often, I looked ok, but inside I really wasn't. Not at all. It was after "the event which shall remain nameless" occurred, I became so depressed I developed Anhedonia.

What that basically means is, I lost all ability to creatively express myself. All joy and the ability to enjoy even the slightest happiness was gone. When I tried do a simple craft project, I found I couldn't match colors. Nothing looked right to me. I could dress myself, but my clothes meant nothing to me. I would laugh at all the wrong points in a joke, and sometimes my sense of humor would kick in at times when there really wasn't anything funny to laugh at. It was almost as if the creative side of my brain had died, and I was walking around, just trying to do my best to hide the pain I felt. The weird thing was, the pain I was in, was a strange kind of numbness. How pain, and numbness can coexist is still a mystery to me, but trust me... it can.

In the late summer of 2003, I decided to start Ellipsis. I had no idea why, or for what purpose, but I know it felt right. My Anhedonia lifted off my shoulders one day, a few weeks earlier, as mysteriously as it had found me. I started picking up the camera again, and then Alan bought me a new digital camera for Christmas, 2004. I spent the next 8 months or so, running here and there, looking through the lens, practicing with color and light, looking for the picture. I felt better, but I still had a little way to go. As autumn approached, I asked Alan if we could take a long drive up to the Sierra's to see the changing of the leaves.

As we drove east along I-80, I must have stopped 30 or 40 times, between Sacramento and the Placer County line. LOL. Alan was being very patient with me, and I was very tired when I decided that I would make just one more exit off the freeway. Exit 165. As we took the exit, I closed my eyes, for just a couple moments,as my eyes were really tired. When I opened them, we had parked in the lot of Cisco Grove Gould Park. As I looked around, I felt stunned by the colors of the trees, against the amazingly blue sky. I had seen other beautiful trees that day, but somehow the lighting was particularly lovely at that moment.

When I stepped out of the car, the cool, clear air hit me, and I had the feeling that I was being welcomed home somehow. It's difficult to explain, but it was as if the park was surrounding me with warmth and love. Nothing bad could happen here. No shadows to frighten me, just color and light, and life everywhere I looked. I spent the next hour, or so snapping photo after photo, and smiling and laughing. It was pure happiness and creativity. I fell in love with this park that day.

I have been making annual visits to Cisco Grove Gould Park since 2005, but last month I found out something very special about this place. It seems it was also loved very much by artist Susan Cooley-Gilliam. In fact, she loved it so much, that it was dedicated to her after her death from cancer in... 2003. In life she loved coming here to photograph the beauty of the park and the South Yuba River, which runs through it.

She worked in earnest to help preserve the land for artists, and visitors who were drawn to it's ethereal beauty. According to the plaque, this was one of the last places she visited, prior to her death, but it was the following words inscribed on the plaque which made it all come together for me, as to why I always feel loved and embraced here...

"Her presence will always be felt by those who pause to take in the beauty of the river or the Fall colors, and especially by other artist drawn to this scene."

I knew when I read that part, that Susan was standing right next to me, welcoming me home. I believe in spirits, and our ability to leave our impression on the places we love so dearly in life. Susan's soul is still in every leaf, and every ripple on the surface of the river. She is in the quiet, gentle breeze that whispers through the lemon drop trees. She is that feeling of safety and comfort that embraces you. She guides me when I am there, she shows me the light. She helps me believe in myself, and my art through photography.

Again, hard to explain, but somehow I feel like I will always have a friend waiting for me just off Hwy I-80 at Hampshire Rocks road. By the way, this park is situated just down the road, from where I took the photo in yesterday's entry. It is a place of magic for the weary soul. It is a place of inspiration and love for the lonely artist. It is a place of magic.

Here are some of my favorite photographs that I have taken at Susan's Spot, over the last few years. As you can see many artists feel inspired here. On my last visit, there was an art class being taught along the banks of the South Yuba River.

"If you see the magic in a fairy tale, you can face the future."

-Danielle Steel

-OndineMonet
"Susan's Spot"
Cisco Grove Gould Park
Between I-80 165 and Hampshire Rocks Road
Cisco Grove, California
October 23rd, 2007
Afternoon

Four Seasons In One Day

"In those vernal seasons of the year, when the air is calm and pleasant, it were an injury and sullenness against nature not to go out and see her riches, and partake in her rejoicing with heaven and earth."

-John Milton

My friend Steven gave me a great suggestion this past week, for how to break out of the winter blahs. He suggested to me to "go out and find spring." It was a good idea, I knew it was a good idea, but I was wondering to myself, if I would even recognize it if I actually did find it. Sometimes when my Fibromyalgia has been especially problematic, and I am in pain, it is nearly impossible to go anywhere, let alone have the energy to pick up the camera. I worry in those phases, that I will somehow slip back into Anhedonia. Truthfully, now that I know what it's like to have it, I don't think I will ever let that happen again, but the thought crosses my mind all the same. "What if I wake up today, and suddenly no longer have any creativity?"

Another piece of advice Steven gave me a couple years back, was to suggest that I do "still life" photography during those times when I am housebound. It will keep the creative juices flowing, and it is a good way to practice with lighting and settings I don't use as often, such as the portrait setting. Good idea. I have been enjoying doing that very much this past autumn and winter, but for this weekend, I needed to get out and smell the fresh, cold air... despite whatever grasp the Fibromyalgia had on me. I decided to push my assignment a bit further than just looking for spring, I challenged myself to find all four seasons in one day. Here is what I found...

Autumn

Spring

Winter

Summer

"Four seasons in one day
Lying in the depths of your imagination
Worlds above and worlds below
The sun shines on the black clouds hanging over the domain

Even when you're feeling warm
The temperature could drop anyway
Like four seasons in one day"

From "Four Seasons In One Day" Crowded House


-OndineMonet
"Spring Mist"
Berkeley, California
February 24, 2007
Afternoon