The Folly Of Giving Up

"Resume"

Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gas smells awful
You might as well live.

~Dorothy Parker

I was very sad to hear about the suicide of country singer Mindy McCready. I wasn't really a fan, I only know a couple of her songs, but I appreciated what I heard. To be honest, I knew more about her personal life, and demons, than I did about her talent. But just because I didn't know much about her talent, doesn't mean it didn't hurt when I heard she had died. We are so lucky to have talent as a part of what makes us... well... us. Those in the arts that share their gifts with the world, make every single day better on earth. No matter what's happening, the arts can help one begin to heal. I knew this for sure on the afternoon of September 11, 2001, when the Ethereal Musician, you know the sax player in my neighborhood, began to play America on his horn. The wasn't a sound outside. No birds seemed to be in the trees. No planes taking off from Oakland airport in the sky, no sounds of children playing. Everyone was inside, glued to the TV, all except for the musician... healing himself, and his neighbors, through music.

In the spring of 2001 I was in a bad place psychologically speaking. I was very near giving up. I wanted for it to just happen. A meteor hit me. An accidental case of extreme food poisoning. Get hit by a bus. Something. Anything that could just let me leave my life behind. Anything to make the pain stop. Honestly, I am not sure exactly why I am alive now, because at the time, I didn't do myself any favors. Depression and Anhedonia had a complete hold on me, and I was in so much pain, I couldn't feel anymore. I don't even really remember that time with Elvis. I was THAT disconnected. I was that way for about 2 years or so, then one day Alan got my cameras out, and said go find something new and I tried. Failed. Tried again. Started a blog, this blog, and baby steps later, here I am. It took one day at a time, and like a person standing on the ledge of a building, it took... not... looking... down.

I finally healed. Through Alan and Elvis's love and patience. Through my online friendships. I healed because of Alan putting the camera in my hand. When I was ill I had NO IDEA that one day I would be standing on the corner of Lexington and 20th in San Francisco, watching Woody Allen making cinema magic. I didn't know until years later that he had also had a bout with Anhedonia, and that Anhedonia was the working title of Annie Hall. But he worked through it, and didn't give up. And I think about him sometimes when I have moments where I revisit the option of giving up. He didn't give up, and because of that, I have had many, many happy hours watching his brilliant movies. I don't just admire him for his talent... I admire him for his ability to not give up.

Suicide. It should be a four letter word. I heard once that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That couldn't be more true or accurate. Suicide gives those rooting for your downfall a lot of power. It robs you of all the moments of excitement and joy you can't even imagine happening. It hurts those who truly love you for the rest of their lives. The folly of suicide is the fact that you can't hold those who will mourn you, and help them heal. The act itself is personal selfishness on a catastrophic level, that never allows for I am sorry. Mindy McCready couldn't see beyond the pain. I know what that's like. But thank God, I made it out alive, because if you would have told me back in 2001 that I would be standing on a corner, in San Francisco, on a mild August day, watching Woody Allen filming a movie, and making inadvertent eye contact no less, I would have said... "You're nuttier than me!"

And wouldn't the joke have been on me?

I would have missed that sunset over Angel Island. Isn't it just about perfect?

I really do wish Mindy hadn't given up.

"Inventory"

Four be the things I am wiser to know...
Idleness, sorrow, a friend and foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without...
Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.
Three things I shall never attain...
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die...
Laughter and hope and sock in the eye.

~Dorothy Parker

Mood: Quiet But Thankful

~Me :)

Images From Yesterday

"Those artists who say that somehow therapy or analysis will thwart their creativity are completely misinformed. It's absolutely the opposite. It opens doors."

-Paul Schrader

As you know, Wednesday's are a busy day for me. I have therapy first thing in the morning with Sarah, then I try my best to continue on with my day, as if all was perfectly fine. I do all the normal things. Hmmm... normal things? Sometimes I wonder about what normal means. Does it mean I do the shopping? Go out to lunch? Sign a petition? Prepare dinner? Make the bed? Smile politely when someone asks me, "How are you today?" It is such a pat answer, do any of us really expect any other answer than, "Just fine thank you?"

Truth is, most days, even therapy days, are just fine, although therapy days are perhaps my most challenging of all the days of the week. Yesterday... was challenging. I dealt with some more recent things that have been invading my peace of mind. Recent let downs, and losses. Sarah and I talked about Mr. November, and what it means to let go. We talked about how Alan and I are doing really well... and feeling really close. Not that it was an issue or anything, but with marriage comes those inevitable moments of normalcy, which can impersonate mundane with great ease.

Fortunately he and I talk, and we work on things, which keeps us going the right way. And if for some reason we do start to drift, Elvis will make his feelings known. He will have no part of our family not being happy with each other. That cat has been amazing for our marriage. It felt good to share with Sarah that Alan and I recently had a long talk about where our marriage is, and also be able to talk about the past with ease. It was freeing, still, therapy is work. It's hard work, and it leaves me very sad, and very tired at the end of the hour. Thank goodness Sarah doesn't mind that I bring my camera to every session, because right in the middle of all the sadness, I sometimes see the world differently, because right out the window that sits to my right, is the world. And in the world is art...

Art. Art that is sometimes by mistake, sometimes on purpose. Art that speaks to my soul, and reminds me that life is just what is in front of us. Like the weather, it is constantly changing, and I can adjust myself to be comfortable with it, or I can sit on a couch, in my therapist's office in Berkeley, California, and cry, and complain, and wish that it didn't hurt so bad sometimes. Yesterday, in the middle of wishing, I looked out the window, and I saw a record sitting in the window of the building next door. I couldn't make out what the name of the album was, but I felt something when I saw it, so I listened to that instinctual voice in me, that tells me when to snap a photo, and I did just that... I took the picture.

When I got home, I enlarged the photo, and found it was side 2 of the soundtrack to the Broadway musical, "Hair." I was floored. All around Berkeley these days, you can see the very same sights you would have probably seen in the late 60's and the early 70's, when "Hair" was playing on stage originally. Back then it was Vietnam, today it is Iraq. We are still trying to get the message about the decline environment to be heard.We've made progress with Civil Rights, but lost ground on Civil Liberties. People's Park is still filled with the homeless, do you know that over 50% of homeless are veterans? And as I drove past a certain group of protesters, I was impressed to see that they were senior citizens, who were making their voices heard, about the injustice that is coming out of the Bush administration. Damn Hippies! LOL.

As of April 4th, 2007

Sigh. Life is painful. Life is a series of moments, that somehow become years. Can you believe it's been 5 1/2 years since 9/11? Or 4 years since we invaded Iraq? Sometimes it all feels like just yesterday. Life goes by so fast, and before you know it, well... you know... it moves forward whether we are ready to accompany it or not. Life does not ask our permission for anything, but hopefully, if we are very lucky, when we put it all together we are not so sad, that we can't find the strength to acknowledge the losses, search for our own personal truth, and find the art life, not just the pain.

Easy To Be Hard
From "Hair"

How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel?
Easy to be hard, easy to be cold
How can people have no feelings? How can they ignore their friends?
Easy to be proud, easy to say no.

And especially people who care about strangers
Who care about evil and social injustice
Do you only care about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend? I need a friend.

How can people be so heartless? You know I'm hung up on you
Easy to give in, easy to help out

And especially people who care about strangers
Who say they care about social injustice
Do you care only about the bleeding crowd?
How about a needing friend? I need a friend.

-OndineMonet
"Another Wednesday"
Berkeley, California
April 4th, 2007
Late Morning

Sunday Quizapalooza

"Most great me and women are not perfectly rounded in their personalities, but are instead people whose one driving enthusiasm is so great it makes their faults seem insignificant."

-Charles A. Cerami

I love doing puzzles and quizzes. I have been enjoying the new FOX game show, "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" I can, with a good deal of certainty, admit that I am about a third as smart as a fifth grader. LOL. Well, actually, it depends on the questions, but I do know that if I were to appear on a game show, it would probably be, "Deal or No Deal." At least the odds would be more in my favor, either the million dollars would be in my case, or they wouldn't. Alan's favorite model on the show, Anya, holds case #10, so I would choose that case. Then I would ask if Anya could sit with Alan in the cheering section near the stage. Am I a cool wife or what? I figure he has had to put up with my undying love of David Duchovny all these years, so I owe him one. :) Do you play the odds in life, or do you believe everything is really 50/50? Either it will or it won't.

How about having some fun, take the following quizzes and then share your results in the comment thread for this entry. Just click the links below. Here is how I scored...

*What Famous Work Of Art Are You?

***You Are Best Described By***
Claude Monet's "Impression Sunrise"

*What Do Your Dreams Mean?


"Dream" By Pablo Picasso

Your dreams seem to show that you're very well adjusted and happy person.
Overall, you are very content in your life.
You tend to be a productive thinker.
Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.
You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

*What's The Part Of You No One Sees?

"Hidden Eye" By Vicky Brago-Mitchell

You are unique, witty, and even a little snobby.
You're quite proud of who you are, and nothing is going to change that.
You've paved your own way in life, and you've ended up where you want to be.

Underneath it all, you feel very isolated from the rest of the world.
It's hard to find people to relate to you on every level.
The mundane interests of your friends and family often bore or depress you.

Hmmmm.... maybe.

"If you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world, it will come through the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every living creature."

-Bruce Barton

-OndineMonet
"Lunch With Andy"
Berkeley, California
September 9th, 2006
Afternoon

The Orator

"The hidden harmony, is better than the obvious."

-Pablo Picasso

This sculpture is one of my favorite pieces by Picasso. It is titled, "The Orator." I first saw it in person, last year, while visiting the Legion of Honor, during the Monet exhibit. I can't tell you how many times I have opened the file of photographs I took that day, just to be transported back to one of my most inspirational days with my camera. Not only had I got to spend the whole day admiring some of my favorite art pieces by Rodin, Gauguin, and of course, Monet, but when I was walking out of the museum, there was a young couple, just married, and in full wedding attire, posing for their wedding photographs on the lawn in front of the museum. I was able to photograph the candid moments of such love between the two, and the overwhelming adoration that was in their eyes, as they became living portraits... a true work of art. I found the following quote tonight, as I was studying an article on Picasso, earlier this evening. I had a long day today, and I am feeling a bit tired, but it was so lovely that so I thought I would share it with you. It seems to fit life at this moment, and like with most truths, it's message is timeless...



"The Orator" Pablo Picasso, 1933 or 1934 (Plaster and Mixed Media)

"Each second we live is a new and unique moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children? We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capitol of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique in all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you can then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of the children."

I was a lucky little girl, that I had some amazing teachers who encouraged me to spend time looking at art books, and studying the natural beauty of the world around me. The best day of my life as a child, was when a teacher put a camera in my hand, and told me to look beyond the obvious, to find the light that surrounds everything. It was the best piece of advice that I ever got, in regards to art, photography, and life. :)

So tell me, is there a particular piece of art, or an art form, that you find especially inspiring? Please share with me in the comment thread for this entry.

-OndineMonet
"The Orator"
Legion Of Honor Museum
San Francisco, California
July 27th, 2006
Afternoon