Thursday, August 30, 2007

If It's Not One Thing It's Your Mother!

"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing begins."

-Tori Amos


Yesterday, Wednesday, was my last day in therapy. It has been a once a week look into myself, for over seven years. It was an intense time to be sure, but had I not given myself chance to heal, after the event which shall remain nameless happened, I am not too sure I would be alive today to write this entry. I had been in therapy on and off for most of my life, and had worked with 44 different therapists, then one day I met Sarah, who was my therapist for the last three years, and who I saw for the last time yesterday. Of all the therapists I have worked with, Sarah is the one who gave me the strongest hand up from despair. When I met her three years ago, I was still so inside myself. Little by little we worked through those hurtful moments from long ago, and some from not so long ago, that life has handed me. The broken family relationships, the trust issues, the broken heart moments, the frustration with world events, and to some degree, the original cause of my break. She helped me overcome the terror of the day the the world caved in... and the pain of the months and years that followed.

Where The Hurt Sat

I will miss Sarah very much, but I finally feel that I am back to being not just me, but perhaps the best version of me that's ever been. With seven years of intense therapy behind me, the time has come to start using those coping methods I have learned to start standing on my own two feet. I know that at some point I may need to go back to therapy, because lets face it, life has a way of pushing us through doors, without necessarily asking if we want to go through them. LOL. Like when we lose someone we love so much, or we find ourselves in a position to change jobs, or when we somehow start believing that life is just plain unfair... and we don't know what to do. :( Somehow, however, I think I can cope with the future better now, then at any point previously in my life. Partly because I have personally matured, partly because I have learned a lesson or two, but mostly because I now know I deserve the best life I can make for myself. Gone are those ghosts who liked to tell me I was worthless, and talentless. They have been proven wrong, they have been proven liars!


Sarah... thank you so much for all you have done for me. For all your guidance, especially in the last 8 months. Thank you for understanding me when I cried so hard... lol... I wasn't even sure of what I had and most of all, thank you for sharing your gift of healing. I wish you much happiness.

"Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother." - Robin Williams

"Wednesdays With The Lamp"
Berkeley, California
August, 2007
11:00 AM


Robbie said...

Congratulations for your recovery and growth. It's hard leaving therapy behind. I think I stayed about 6 months longer than I needed to because of that but perhaps not. I miss it some days. It was always nice to know that at least once a week I had a captured moment in time to deal with things. I knew I would be heard.

However, we must travel onward and upward!

Nancy said...

Wow Carly....huge step. I wonder if I'll EVER stop therapy. Not sure I want to though I'm probably ready.
Sara looks like a special woman.