Saturday, June 03, 2017

Stress, Friendship And Knowing Yourself In The Time Of Trump

"Reality is the leading cause of stress
 amongst those in touch with it."

~Jane Wagner 

It's been almost two months since my last post. That's an odd realization for me, because I pretty much blogged every day this blog existed, up until a couple years ago. The big move, and all the subsequent drama kept me busy, and emotional, so a lot of the time I was too tired to post or simply didn't have the will. This past autumn I felt better. I got out with the camera and resumed my Leaf Of The Day project, and I thought I might be getting back to some emotional normalcy, and then the election happened and once again I found myself in the depths of despair, and I am finding it really difficult to climb back out.  

There was a day when I would use my blog to fight through the political and day to day life nonsense. I welcomed opposing opinions, and looked forward to the debate. Patrick, if you're reading this, you know what I mean. LOL. You and I could go on and on and it would get heated but eventually we would shake it off, maybe even take a breather from each other's blog till the dust settled, but in an appropiate amount of time come back and pick up where we left off... good friends. And I am pleased to say to this day that if I ever needed someone to remember me in their prayers, I could ask you, and you would be there without reservation. For that I will always smile and be grateful when I see you on my Twitter timeline.

I've made a lot of causal friends over social media. Whether or not we keep in touch, doesn't matter so much because we all have real lives outside of the Internet. If I haven't seen someone for a while, and they pop in to say hello, it's always nice to pick back up. I like this distance to a certain degree. I have tried to not let my worlds collide. I am a private person. I rarely share my address, or phone number, and I don't speak much about what my day to day life is like because it feels so personal. I am happy in my real life. Happy marriage. Three amazing cats that keep me laughing, and my hubby and I now own our own home for the first time in our marriage. Life is should be good. But it's not. Not at all.

I am not prepared to blame the depression I have been fighting all on Donald Trump, but I have to say... he doesn't help, in fact, he scares the living SHIT out of me on a daily basis, and on the days I get up not scared, he either pisses me off or embarrasses me to the point I find myself apologizing to the world on Twitter, and begging the forgiveness of clearer thinking countries, which is strange because I didn't vote for him, so why do I feel I have to apologize? But in any case... I do. And I do.

A couple days ago, I did something I've never done before, I blocked a Twitter pal. Yes a republican, but he is a lot more than that. He's quite talented. Funny. Intelligent. Kind. Compassionate, and a lot more nice things I suspect. Don't get me wrong, we weren't best friends, or "go to" pals, but I genuinely liked him and admired his photography skills. I hoped to learn some things about photography from him, they way I learned from Steven. I was kinda lost after Steven died, so to make a new friend who I could share similar fondness for photography with was really nice, even if we only talked ocassionally. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, when the 2016 election rolled around my friend and I would exchange the occasional barbs about left verses right and we would sometimes have some heated exchanges about our various perspectives, but it usually ended cordially, but after Trump won things felt different. In me. I don't really blame my friend for his opinion, but it all feels so irrational from the other side. It feels like when I am trying to make a point, there is no point in trying because they simply won't see or understand whats trying to be conveyed. I don't expect folks in my orbit to feel exactly like I do, but for GOD'S SAKE it feels like rational thought is dead, and has been replaced with willful ignorance. 

Understand... I am not saying that is how my friend behaved. No. But I said to him recently... "... listen, we are never going to agree on Donald Trump, his policies, his behavior or anything attached to this administration so we might as well just know that now. We just aren't." My friend agreed. We laughed a little and kicked the idea around of perhaps one day battling it out over drinks. LOL. And I left him with the request that he drop by my Twitter feed once in a while, when he isn't there to tell me how completely wrong I was. LOL. Maybe he could just come by and say "Hi... hows the weather." Again. It was a joke, meant lightheartedly, and he accepted it as such.

Well, the other day he did just that. He came by and left me a link to a Facebook post about an otter. I was adoreable. I liked it very much, and it touched me that my friend was trying to reach out. So, everything should be perfect... right? Well, timing is everything. I saw it just as Donald Trump was holding his idiotic press conference about the U.S. exiting the Paris Accord. So, I am watching a nice video about a fuzzy sea creature that my republican pal sent me, and wanting to kick my television in and scream MUTHERFUCKER at the same time. It was NOT good timing.

Something in me died. I felt it. I looked at my friend's face and knew in that moment I had to block him. Not so much because of him, but because of me. I knew that humans being humans I would one day, once again, engage with my pal in a political debate and I would go too far. I would say something dreadful that I couldn't take back. Words have meanings, and when you say something awful, out of rage, but mean it anyway, people get hurt. I don't want my friend to become the face of all the trolls who hunt me down after I leave a comment about the SHITTGIBBON we have in the White House. I don't want to take my anger, pain, frustration, fear, OH MY GOD FEAR, out on him with words I might actually mean one day.

I don't like hurting people.
I have been hurt so badly, so many times, you have NO idea.
I would rather just close the door.
And NOT say something I can't take back.

Stress in my real life, bleeds over into my virtual life, and vice versa, since Donald Trump decided to fuck our democracy. There was a time when I could handle both, but I am not doing that well right now. I am working on it, but when you can't sleep at night that doesn't help you make good decisions. I know it will all work it's way out in time. Impeachment seems likely or at least possible. Perhaps making the mortgage payments will get easier. I will learn some method of dealing with my fear of nuclear holocaust. Folks will begin waking up and realizing Trump only cares about Trump. My back will always hurt, but maybe a better medication or exercise will come along to help me deal with it. I don't know, but if my life has taught me anything it's the that ... "this too shall pass" an absolute. It will pass.

But in the meantime the journey gets
 lonely and a little sad at times.

Mood: Sad




sunflowerkat said...

It's a terrible shame what Donald Trump has done not just to the country, but to so many of our relationships. I've also had to sever connections with people I care about to keep from getting into something that might become hurtful. I've fended off depression in the era of Trump...but I often feel hopeless, or overwhelmed with anger and disgust. His health care and tax policies are horrifying. The climate accord decision was a real punch in the gut. I just cannot understand. And I worry sick that perhaps he WILL be impeached...then we have Pence. I think he's even worse with his extreme social conservatism and his government savvy. I think he could do more damage than Trump. It's going to be an agonizing slog to 2020....but hopefully we'll turn it all around.

Anyway Carly....hang tough girlfriend. Keep in touch. I think it's a good idea to blow off some steam about this Trump monster. Don't let him take you down. And I also think that, while it's right we need to try and understand the other have to insulate yourself from those who won't try and do the same. My brother and I are not talking right now. He tried to bait me into an argument with some "alternative facts" and I told him I refuse to be baited. Nothing good can come from arguing about something that isn't even real.

Wow....I got a little carried away. So much of what you said hit home with me and I wanted you to know you are being heard. Sending you love ...Kat

Carly said...

Hi Kat

I knew you would understand. We were both facing relationship strains before he even got elected. The more time that goes by, the more I realize I did the right thing by severing ties with my friend. I will always remember his gesture, of sending me a cute video, as our last interaction. It was left on a high note. Trump encourages discourse, even when it comes to family because he is so singularly thinking and such a narcissist he doesn't understand any relationship where he is not the center.

I'm struggling. I can admit it. But I get up ever day, and I carry on. Jesus it feels like he has been president for a million years, and it's less than 6 months now, so I try not to think about 4 years of him in office. Fortunately his poll numbers are beginning to fall, and I think as we move along that will only go deeper. It feels like he will be exposed soon, and I pray that will happen. Pence seems to be involved in this as well. Several recent articles show he knew about Trump and Flynn's shenanigans well before he admits to. That gives me hope for a full housecleaning when the time comes.

We will end up with some republican in the place of Trump/Pence but we can't worry about that now, we will deal with it when the time comes. I just want the powers that be to get it right. Keep the faith my friend... the end of this mess is coming. If you ever need to talk call me, we will share war stories. LOL. I am always just a phone call away!

Thank you so much for not giving up on me after all these years! I love you my dear one! Know that!


Carly :)