"Reality is the leading cause of stress
amongst those in touch with it."
It's been almost two months since my last post. That's an odd realization for me, because I pretty much blogged every day this blog existed, up until a couple years ago. The big move, and all the subsequent drama kept me busy, and emotional, so a lot of the time I was too tired to post or simply didn't have the will. This past autumn I felt better. I got out with the camera and resumed my Leaf Of The Day project, and I thought I might be getting back to some emotional normalcy, and then the election happened and once again I found myself in the depths of despair, and I am finding it really difficult to climb back out.
There was a day when I would use my blog to fight through the political and day to day life nonsense. I welcomed opposing opinions, and looked forward to the debate. Patrick, if you're reading this, you know what I mean. LOL. You and I could go on and on and it would get heated but eventually we would shake it off, maybe even take a breather from each other's blog till the dust settled, but in an appropiate amount of time come back and pick up where we left off... good friends. And I am pleased to say to this day that if I ever needed someone to remember me in their prayers, I could ask you, and you would be there without reservation. For that I will always smile and be grateful when I see you on my Twitter timeline.
I've made a lot of causal friends over social media. Whether or not we keep in touch, doesn't matter so much because we all have real lives outside of the Internet. If I haven't seen someone for a while, and they pop in to say hello, it's always nice to pick back up. I like this distance to a certain degree. I have tried to not let my worlds collide. I am a private person. I rarely share my address, or phone number, and I don't speak much about what my day to day life is like because it feels so personal. I am happy in my real life. Happy marriage. Three amazing cats that keep me laughing, and my hubby and I now own our own home for the first time in our marriage. Life
is should be good. But it's not. Not at all.
I am not prepared to blame the depression I have been fighting all on Donald Trump, but I have to say... he doesn't help, in fact, he scares the living SHIT out of me on a daily basis, and on the days I get up not scared, he either pisses me off or embarrasses me to the point I find myself apologizing to the world on Twitter, and begging the forgiveness of clearer thinking countries, which is strange because I didn't vote for him, so why do I feel I have to apologize? But in any case... I do. And I do.
A couple days ago, I did something I've never done before, I blocked a Twitter pal. Yes a republican, but he is a lot more than that. He's quite talented. Funny. Intelligent. Kind. Compassionate, and a lot more nice things I suspect. Don't get me wrong, we weren't best friends, or "go to" pals, but I genuinely liked him and admired his photography skills. I hoped to learn some things about photography from him, they way I learned from Steven. I was kinda lost after Steven died, so to make a new friend who I could share similar fondness for photography with was really nice, even if we only talked ocassionally. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, when the 2016 election rolled around my friend and I would exchange the occasional barbs about left verses right and we would sometimes have some heated exchanges about our various perspectives, but it usually ended cordially, but after Trump won things felt different. In me. I don't really blame my friend for his opinion, but it all feels so irrational from the other side. It feels like when I am trying to make a point, there is no point in trying because they simply won't see or understand whats trying to be conveyed. I don't expect folks in my orbit to feel exactly like I do, but for GOD'S SAKE it feels like rational thought is dead, and has been replaced with willful ignorance.
Understand... I am not saying that is how my friend behaved. No. But I said to him recently... "... listen, we are never going to agree on Donald Trump, his policies, his behavior or anything attached to this administration so we might as well just know that now. We just aren't." My friend agreed. We laughed a little and kicked the idea around of perhaps one day battling it out over drinks. LOL. And I left him with the request that he drop by my Twitter feed once in a while, when he isn't there to tell me how completely wrong I was. LOL. Maybe he could just come by and say "Hi... hows the weather." Again. It was a joke, meant lightheartedly, and he accepted it as such.
Well, the other day he did just that. He came by and left me a link to a Facebook post about an otter. I was adoreable. I liked it very much, and it touched me that my friend was trying to reach out. So, everything should be perfect... right? Well, timing is everything. I saw it just as Donald Trump was holding his idiotic press conference about the U.S. exiting the Paris Accord. So, I am watching a nice video about a fuzzy sea creature that my republican pal sent me, and wanting to kick my television in and scream MUTHERFUCKER at the same time. It was NOT good timing.
Something in me died. I felt it. I looked at my friend's face and knew in that moment I had to block him. Not so much because of him, but because of me. I knew that humans being humans I would one day, once again, engage with my pal in a political debate and I would go too far. I would say something dreadful that I couldn't take back. Words have meanings, and when you say something awful, out of rage, but mean it anyway, people get hurt. I don't want my friend to become the face of all the trolls who hunt me down after I leave a comment about the SHITTGIBBON we have in the White House. I don't want to take my anger, pain, frustration, fear, OH MY GOD FEAR, out on him with words I might actually mean one day.
I don't like hurting people.
I have been hurt so badly, so many times, you have NO idea.
I would rather just close the door.
And NOT say something I can't take back.
Stress in my real life, bleeds over into my virtual life, and vice versa, since Donald Trump decided to fuck our democracy. There was a time when I could handle both, but I am not doing that well right now. I am working on it, but when you can't sleep at night that doesn't help you make good decisions. I know it will all work it's way out in time. Impeachment seems likely or at least possible. Perhaps making the mortgage payments will get easier. I will learn some method of dealing with my fear of nuclear holocaust. Folks will begin waking up and realizing Trump only cares about Trump. My back will always hurt, but maybe a better medication or exercise will come along to help me deal with it. I don't know, but if my life has taught me anything it's the that ... "this too shall pass" ...is an absolute. It will pass.
But in the meantime the journey gets
lonely and a little sad at times.