You Expected To Be Sad In The Fall

 

“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light. But you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring, it was as though a young person died for no reason.”
 

― Ernest Hemingway,

 

  A Moveable Feast

 

We are barely into Autumn, and look at all that amazing pallet of colors! I am afraid I will need to be gathering leaves a lot earlier for my project, because I think the leaves will all be gone before Thanksgiving. I hope not. I love it when leaves continue late into the year, it just makes everything so festive. The color of the leaves, and then the colors of Christmas and New Year's. Unfortunately, I don't write the book, Mother Nature does, I better gather them and save all the beauty I can now, after all next year we will be in the middle of yet another national election, where Donald Trump is running for president, and I know my mood will deep and probably dark. Let's say it, I will be depressed. It's a depressing situation. And a scary one too. But that is a year away, there is no way to really plan for it, I can only plan for the leaves next year, and hope for the best on all other matters.

When I look at those colors, and hear the sound of migrating geese, I feel calm and peaceful inside. Life is good. But lately, beginning over the summer, I start to feel especially anxious. Racing thoughts and memories, and I haven't been sleeping well. My therapist and doctor have tried adjusting my medications, and none of what we have tried has done much for my sleeping. In the past I would take a Valium when DT would trigger some anxiety for me, but Kaiser doesn't want to prescribe Valium anymore because it is now considered "the big bad" due to it's addictiveness and America's past of over prescribing it. So, what would ordinarily help me stop the anxiety in the moment, and lead to a better pattern of sleep, is not available, but boy are they willing to put me on other drugs, antidepressants mostly, that don't work as efficiently as what I know does. Not everyone's body or psychological dispositions are the same, but Kaiser has always tended toward treating everyone the same. Like whats being done with my codeine. 

We do indeed have an opioid epidemic in America. Lots of tragedy has taken place, and with the synthetic drug Fentanyl on the street, which only takes one pill to kill you, in some instances, things have gotten pulled back dramatically for folks with chronic pain. When one guy does it, we all get blamed, shamed and otherwise punished. So, there is nothing I can do but wait for the grief to pass, pretend the chronic physical pain isn't there, accept not sleeping, and hope the temporary highs of visiting parks looking for leaves, and wildlife reserves looking for birds, will give me something to focus on as opposed to drowning in anxiety and sadness. And I have to admit, my doctor did suggest an over the counter option, Melatonin for sleep. I tried it, and to my surprise it does help me sleep somewhat better. So, there you have it. Life is never just about one thing, right? It's all an adventure. At least this chapter is being written in Autumn, when love and beauty is all around me.