Finally Feeling Spring

"When spring came, even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself."

 ~Ernest Hemingway

A Moveable Feast

The battle is officially over! We are satisfied with the result. It will be enough to move on, and pay some bills off, and get settled into a new place. There are still some details to be ironed out, minor things like the date we will receive the check, and there will probably be a nondisclosure on names, dates, and amount of the settlement, but that's just the usual behind the scenes workings, no additional drama will take place. So, all that's left to do now is to finish the packing, and finding a new place to call home. Fortunately, we have found a really nice, and very helpful real estate professional to guide us through the next steps in this big adventure. So with the biggest part of this behind us now, I have been reassessing how I feel about things.

Q1. With the settlement check on it's way, am I still angry?

A1. You bet I am! I have forgiven the situation, but in truth, that is more for me than for them. Forgiving means you can move on with your life. It means you can heal. But will I forget? NOT LIKELY.

Q2. Will I still be grieving the loss of the cottage a year from now?

A2. A part of me will always miss this cottage. It was our home for 14 years. There was a lot of joy, and happiness that took place here, as well as a lot of pain from grieving the loss of Elvis, Alan's brother Daryl and June, my dear friend, as well as missing friends who had to move on for one reason or another. I still think of the last conversation I had with Mr. November. I was sitting at my desk, and it was goodbye. But that memory is just that, a memory. And I can keep it with me always, wherever I go. This cottage has been the place I can shut my eyes, and feel what I need to feel as I move through life. But when we find the new place, I know I will come to think just as fondly about it, and feel just as comfortable, as I have here. And I will love it for it's own merits. 

Alan and I are an unbeatable team. When someone put our family in jeopardy, we hugged each other and went into battle. Like a few times before, we thrived in a dark time. Trust in marriage really is the key to everything. Supporting each other daily, so the other one knows, even with just a hug, that no matter what... we are each other's priority... that is what makes our marriage work! It's a strange feeling to know that ours will be the last love story the cottage will have in it. And sometime in the next few months it will be torn to the ground, but I am hoping the rose garden I planted will somehow tell whoever ends up purchasing the property that love existed here. A deep, trusting, funny, silly, surreal, kind, steady, romantic love. And there was much more joy here than there ever was sorrow.

Mood: HAPPY

~Me :)

Heels... And The Shoes They Wear

"If you were to ask me what's under my bed, I'd tell you shoes. They're brown, and they're still attached to the body that's been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

~Jarod Kintz

This Book Is Not For Sale

Finally... we arrive at Friday. It's been a long week, and at the same time, the last 3 weeks have flown by. Time is a strange thing isn't it? Alan went back to work yesterday, and slowly, but surely, I am returning to something resembling my life prior to the big reveal that I have been living in an illegal apartment for 14 years...well, it will be 14 years on May 2nd. I still plan to celebrate it, as I have done each year since we moved it. It is my place of safety, my comfort, and while there is now some tragedy attached to all the memories we made here, there are still some moments of great joy that I will never erase from my memories. Like the day we brought Hendrix home. After Elvis's death, it was so quiet in here but along came that little force of nature, Hendrix, and he helped Alan and I through our grief.

It's an odd thing... I keep finding pairs of shoes in different parking lots throughout the East Bay. This the fourth pair I have found since the beginning of the year! Is it the Year Of The Shoe? I thought every year was the Year Of The Shoe. LOL. I just packed 3 boxes with nothing but shoes. Boots. Flats. Canvas Deck Shoes. A pair of tennis shoes that used to belong to Alissa Milano I bought of eBay. LOL. Yep, I am one of those girls. I like shoes. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the kind of shoes they wear. Take the man criminal who I used to call Mr. Landlord... he wore some expensive brown leather shoes, that were strangely scuffed. I always found that a curiosity. Of course now I see that he probably scuffed them while trying to wade through his own bullshit. It's not easy being a brown heel I suppose.

Mood: Okay

~Me :)

The World Offers Itself To Your Imagination

Bird In The Tree

Land's End

San Francisco, California

April 2nd, 2015

"You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you of mine.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, not matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting...

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things."

~Mary Oliver

Believe it or not, that is not a bird drawn in the tree, that is how it appears naturally. The tree is located in the parking lot of the San Francisco overlook, Land's End. Isn't it awesome?

Mood: Tired

~Me :)

The Art Of Floating

"It's a very beautiful day. The woman looks around and thinks: there cannot ever have been a spring more beautiful than this. I did not know until now that clouds could be like this. I did not know that the sky is the sea and that clouds are the souls of happy ships, sunk long ago. I did not know that the wind could be tender, like the hands as they caress... what did I know... until now?"

~Unica Zurn

Mood: Ready For A Monday

~Me :)

Is Age Really Just A Number?

"I'm not young enough to everything."

~Oscar Wilde

Is age really just a number? HELL yes, and I feel like I am 114! Maybe it's just all the stress and packing. The unknown future. Maybe I am just quickly becoming an old coot! I don't know, but I do know, as Mary Engelbreit said, "Time flies whether your having fun or not." But I also know that, "this too shall pass." funny thing about that phrase... some think King Solomon said it, but it's not so, in fact that phrase is not to be found in any translation of the Bible. Others believe it comes from an Old English poem, while still others think it comes from Persian Sufi poets. LOL. Hey, at least I am not old enough to confirm any of those theories! LOL!

Mood: Happy

~Me :)

No Shirts. No Shoes. No Whining.

"Never tell your problems to anyone... 

20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them."

~Lou Holtz

Friday was a good day. If you kept me in your thoughts yesterday... thank you. I got your good vibrations. Friday came with some light at the end of the tunnel. We will find out next week for sure but next week, fingers crossed, this case may be settled, and it will be onto the future from there. At least for this weekend, no whining, no crying, no anger, just packing up my things, and moving forward on.

Mood: I'm Good!

~Me :)

Enough Is Enough

"I had a dream about you. Our relationship faded from red to white and somewhere in the middle, in the pink zone, I told you I loved and you and you returned it.

 However, at white, our relationship went black and I sought red in the arms of another woman."

~Jarod Kintz, 

Dreaming Is For Lovers

It's a red day. By the end of business hours today, we will know whether or not my former landlords are going to pay us what is rightfully ours... or if Alan and I have to file suit in Superior Court to get our money back. Sigh. We are really hoping we won't have to do that. We don't want to do that. Sigh. We don't want to devastate anyone, we just want what's fair for us. 

We didn't ask for this situation. 

Sigh.

  There comes a time in life when you have to say... 

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

And NO, the quote doesn't really fit the words of the post, but it does remind us that life changes color sometimes, and so do relationships. Sometimes things really are BLACK AND WHITE.

Mood: Quiet

~Me :)

A Little Less Blue, A Little More Purple

"It was strange walking through the empty apartment. My battered purple room was gone, Brittany's bruised blue was gone. Two coats covered everything. It was like none of it had ever happened."

~Kimberly Novosel

Loved

Okay, so the packing is coming along. Alan and I just invested about $80 in Space Bags and almost every set of sheets, and all my blankets and throws are now completely encased in plastic, flattened into a dense pancake shape, resting on the floor of my closet. As is all my coats, sweaters, warm socks, and some assorted catnip toys. All of which could be of good use at the moment, as it feels like 30 degrees outside! LOL. Isn't that always the way? You put an air-conditioner in the window, and pack all your Winter apparel in storage, and BAM it rains a cold Spring rain. 

I don't have purple walls in my apartment, I have Cornflower blue walls. I do, however, have a pair of purple lily lamps. They are cuter than they sound. I always loved that purple color, next to the color of those blue walls. So pretty. Hopefully, wherever we end up moving to, we will be able to paint the walls a nice color. Who knows, maybe a nice purple color this time. Like the purple in Monica and Rachel's apartment on Friends. I always loved their apartment. Yeah, maybe a little less blue and a little more purple in my life.

Mood: Doing Better/Almost Okay! :)

~Me :)

Mere Color

"Mere color, unspoiled by meaning and unallied with definite form, 

can speak to the soul in a thousand different ways."

~Oscar Wilde

As a rule, I am not particularly fond of palm trees. They are messy, and common, and don't have a lot of character going on, but for some reason this one was pleasing to the eye. Maybe it was the slant of the sun, or the blue mood I was in, which tends to make everything look different, I don't know why, it just caught my imagination, and I had a hard time looking away.  

Mood: Tired

~Me :)

Easter Hangover

"The next morning dawned bright and sweet, like ribbon candy."

~Sarah Addison Allen

Garden Spells

Easter in our house was low key, well, except for the packing and small pockets of anger and hurt. LOL. This week will bring a lot of emotions, and while I am not quiet sure what to expect, I have prepared myself for what comes next. In the immediate, and new week, in the abstract the rest of our lives, and where we live next. Living in a place for 14 years causes one to become rooted. To be suddenly pulled out by the roots is painful. I will remember that the next time I pull the weeds from the yard! I think I will probably say... "I'm Sorry" out loud. In a gentle voice. With a lot of compassion thrown in.

On a different subject... 

Don't you just love this Easter basket I saw at Walmart yesterday?

Mood: Scattered

~Me :)

Happy Easter

Easter is...

Joining in a birdsong,

Eying an early sunrise,

Smelling yellow daffodils,

Unbolting windows and doors,

Skipping through meadows,

Cuddling newborns,

Hoping, believing,

Reviving spent life,

Inhaling fresh air,

Sprinkling seeds along furrows,

Tracking in the mud.

Easter is the soul's first taste of spring."

Richelle E. Goodrich

From Our House To Yours...

HAPPY EASTER!

Mood: Quiet

~Me :)

Hey, At Least There's That!

"I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me "FUCK YOU." Then I'll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I'll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face."

~Jarod Kintz

I Want Two Apply For A Job At Our Country's Largest Funeral Home,

 And Then Wear A Suite And Noose To The Job Interview.

My crappy, sarcastic mood continues. Our living situation is such a mess, and we still haven't any idea where we are going to move to. We are spending our days panicking, packing, and preparing to head for parts unknown. Will don't know if we will have to get rid of the cats, also known as my babies, and yes, we have hired a lawyer in an attempt to try and get back some of the money that has been defrauded out us. We are hoping to get enough back from the taxes to have key money, and if all this depressing stuff isn't enough, I take my car in Tuesday for repairs on the fender that was smashed last week. They auto body guys say it will look okay, but probably not perfect. Sheesh. Did I mention my car's 1 year anniversary was this past Thursday, April 2nd? Smashed in less than one year. Sheesh. 

But hey, at least it's going to rain this week. 

No, that's not inconvenient. Thanks for asking!

Mood: Okay, But Sarcastic

~Me :)

A Spring Perspective

"Spring is nature's way of saying... Let's Party!"

~Robin Williams

The last week... GOD IT'S ONLY BEEN A WEEK...has been shitty, but not so shitty that I can stop for a moment and enjoy how lovely everything looks. Life has a way of working itself out, so I am hanging on, and beautiful blossoms like this one really helps me to keep things in perspective.

Everything Falls Into Place

Mood: Okay

~Me :)

A Look Back At March 2015 (Never Tell God Your Bored)

"What I like about photographs is that they capture a

 moment that's gone forever, impossible to reproduce."

~Karl Lagerfeld

Well, March 2015 was a blur... did anything interesting happen? I mean other than in my life? Oh yeah, I remember now... lets not talk about it, shall we? Anyway, I know I usually post my monthly retrospective on the last day of each month, but once in a while I post on the first, and this is one such time. I expect there will be an abundance of new photos in April to make up for the missed posts of March. Life is very interesting, and hectic, and scary for me right now, but fortunately all those things usually make for plentiful photo opportunities, so, STAY TUNED!

And Now, A Look Back At March 2015

A little bit of advice...

Never, EVER tell God your bored!

Mood: Happy

~Me :)

And Then This Happened...

"Accidents are not accidents but precise arrivals at the wrong right time."

~Dejan Stojanovic

And Then This Happened...

As if last week wasn't heartbreaking enough... someone hit my car, as it was parked on a city street, with me in the passenger seat. I was waiting for Alan, he was in our favorite deli picking up some sandwiches. We were starving. We had just got back from a trip to Oakland, to find out some information to take to our newly found lawyer, who handling our case regarding the illegal cottage we have been living in. Honestly, the whole week last week seemed like a true Murphy's Law kind of existence... whatever could go wrong... DID GO WRONG!

But, thankfully, we have our health. We have a roof over our head, at least for the next 60 days. We didn't crash into a mountainside in the French Alps. I was in a fender bender, but I wasn't injured, and the scrap, while hurtful, will be fixed. All $650 of it. I just have to shake my head though, because I haven't even owned it a year, that anniversary won't happen until April 2nd 2015. 

 I am tired. I am still scared about my housing situation. I am looking at my car and feeling hurt, because I try so hard to take care of the few things I do own. But at the end of the day, it's just stuff. My cats, Hendrix, Dylan and Joey are living breathing property, but I don't know if I will get to keep them if I can't find a new place that I can afford, that allows pets. There is still a lot to worry about, and I am, but I can only take it all one step at a time.

10 seconds at a time.

Mood: Tired

~Me

 

We v They

"Only one valid law: never belittle others, never belittle yourself."

~Marty Rubin

Yesterday, I needed to take a little trip down to Oakland, to the County Assessor's office to look up the property description for the apartment... um... illegal apartment I am living in. What I found pretty much confirmed things, my apartment unit does not appear in the official legal description of the property! So, it seems that my little cottage will indeed be torn down sometime in the not too distant future. But I found out an additional piece of information, the two units next door to me on the property also don't exist, so that means that this mess is going to displace at least 3 of our neighbors, and possibly more, because now there is some fear that some recent renovations done on yet another unit, the duplex in the front of the property, may have been done illegally as well! It's beginning to seem more and more like the entire property is pretty much going to have to be torn down to the dirt.  Soon it will be a LARGE empty lot, in the middle of the hills. Lonely, and lifeless except for the gopher that loves to dig around in my yard in the back of my cottage. I am going to miss Murray.

So, while this whole thing is pretty awful, and really sad, and completely scary, it's also pretty damn insulting! The property management sent us a notice to vacate in 30 days, which is also illegal. I have lived her 14 years, under the law I am entitled to 60 days notice. Any property management that can read and chew gum at the same time, should be able to look that up on the Internet... or do they think I am stupid? Yeah, I think they probably do, but I am not. I have contacted an attorney, who is reassuring me that we will get through this, and we might even be able to recoup some of our losses and moving expenses. All I want is what I am legally entitled to. Since living here we have paid over $100,00 in rent, on an apartment that was never legal. And now, because of the sudden expulsion from my home, I have been put in a situation where I may have to face giving up my cats. I don't know what is going to happen in the next 2 months, I am just holding on, and taking it like Kimmy Schmidt does, in 10 second increments.

Mood: Hanging In There

~Me :)

FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over analyzing

 a situation' trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... 

or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on."

~Tupac Shakur

Okay, well, FUCK! Last night I found a note taped to my front door, or I should say, taped to the front door of a cottage I have been renting for 14 years, giving me 30 days to GET OUT. Why am I being evicted? Because, as it turns out, this cottage has been an illegal apartment since 1965. No permits, no verified inspection certificate, just a "cute, cozy" illegal dwelling! End of story! So, I have been paying for 14 years, and making minor repairs, and treating this place like I owned it, only to be kicked out of it, with 30 days to find not only a place we can afford... in Alameda County... but a place that will allow my three cat children. 

My family. My babies. 

In two months the owner of my cottage will be tearing my my cottage down, as if it never was. As if all the memories we made here... never were... God... like it never fucking existed. It will be like I never put up pretty blue curtains, or painted the walls cornflower blue. My kitchen was painted apricot, or was it? And my bathroom soft lettuce green. Elvis spent his last day in my arms here, and I spent so many afternoons listening to the distant Ethereal Musician playing his saxophone I can't even count them. I lived here when 9/11 happened. On that day there wasn't a single sound anywhere in the neighborhood, except my distant Ethereal Musician playing that tune on that lovely saxophone... 

the tune was... America. And just hearing it, made me feel, safer somehow.

The most frightening thing of all, is having to get rid of my babies.

I can't survive that. I won't survive that.

Later today I am contacting a lawyer, to see what my legal options are. 

After that... we'll see.

Right now, 3:15 AM Pacific Time, all I can do is cry.

Mood: Devastated

~Me :)

 

Foggy Thoughts

"At night the fog was thick and full of light, and sometimes voices."

~Erin Bow

Plain Kate

It's been rainy in the Bay Area again. It isn't going to last long, but while it's here I find it hard to think because I am sure that there is something scary just beyond the fog draped trees. Is it scary like speaking in public? Or is it scary like Donald Trump becoming president one day? Who knows? But one thing is for sure, Dylan McDermott, carrying a box of chocolate, never comes walking out of fog... at least not in the horror stories I imagine! I really do need to change my way of thinking! 

LOL

Mood: Foggy

~Me :)

A Face In The Crowd: San Francisco Tree Remarking On The Chill In The Air

"In his face, there came to be a brooding peace that is seen most often

 in the faces of the very sorrowful or the very wise.

 But still he wandered through the streets of the town, always silent and alone."

~Carson McCullers

The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter

I kind of remember taking this photo. It was on one of the many days Alan and I spent in San Francisco last October. I think it was late in the day, on the same day, we went to Madam Tussaud's Wax Museum. We had so many wonderful days together, it seems like they have all ran together. It's a pretty cool face... isn't it? It was a windy autumn day, and to me, it looked like the tree was making a statement regarding the chill in the air. At least it seemed that way to me. Maybe it was just a tree.

Mood: Happiness

~Me :)

Autumning

Spring passes and one remembers one's innocence.

Summer passes and one remembers one's exuberance.

Autumn passes and one remembers one's reverence.

Winter passes and one remembers one's perseverance.

~Yoko Ono

It's such a pretty leaf. I know it's more dumb luck, than sweet magic that I found my camera, but there is something so amazingly wonderful about finding it in spring. 

I have autumn leaves in spring!

I am half way to October!

Mood: Happy

~Me :)