Ben Mears And Rob Lowe

 

Preston Castle Wall

Ione, California

May 7th 2022

Minolta

"There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it."

 

~Shannon L. Alder

 

Preston Castle

Ione, California

Nope, not closing the book yet. Well, maybe the Twitter book, but that remains to be seen (see history). What do I mean by see history? Well, Elon Musk... the jerk... is trying to manipulate the price of the stock, and he has already said he would reinstate Trump, and you know how I feel about that, and I am not alone. Some of this shit is already firmly planted in history. The deal may not happen. We will see. If it does goes through, history will have a lot to say about it. 

 

But meanwhile back in the present. 

 

I'm not closing any doors either. I'm working on my health. Covid forced a giant detox of my eating habits. Before Covid, I ordered lean meat on my sandwiches, sliced extra thin, served with a jar of mayonnaise. Now, mayo is pretty much verboten. I can't tolerate mayonnaise, or anything oily. No fries. No jalapeno poppers. No mozzarella sticks, but there is some super healthy stuff I can't handle either. I can't have spinach, or lettuce, or any other leafy stuff like cilantro. Weird. I LOVE salad, always have. I am a veggie girl. But since Covid, I get a queasy stomach from it. Sigh.

 

I can't do much about most of it, but ride it out and hope it all goes back to normal one day, but I'm done with fucking waiting, I am taking lead and jump starting the process. Dr. Williams gave me a guide for kicking my sense of smell and taste back in. I purchased an aromatherapy machine. The sense of smell and taste go hand and hand. The idea is to choose a scent, and retrain my body to recognize it. Hopefully it will help my sense of taste if I use the same formula. I also purchased a sound machine to maybe help me get my body retrained to some healthy sleeping habits.

 

I can do this.

 

As for the mental exhaustion, again it's a matter of closing the last chapter on what happened last autumn, by closing the storage room. Hubby and I will be cleaning out the last of it next week, and that will be that. The door will be shut, with four months left on our contract at our current home. Hopefully Eric, the owner, will renew our lease, and I can take a little longer to recover, without another move. I'm trying to not think about it. I'm good right now. There is a roof over my head. I am relatively safe. And I am about to buy an air fryer to help me get back into the swing of cooking. I miss baking too. Alan has pretty much been doing everything since my breakdown, the poor man is well trained in being married to a nutjob. Sorry, chronically depressed person.

 

But he knows I eventually get back up, and I guess I will again this time too. What choice do I have? Suicide will always be sitting there, reminding me of it's availability, but, well, you know. Robin. I am trying really hard to not give up this time, in that I came so close to going though with it last fall. I have so much that I haven't shared about what has got me to this place, but as we move along I am sure the details will make themselves known. I just need to process things and go from there.

 

Now, about the "Lowe" in the title of this post. It refers to Rob Lowe. You might remember I posted about his visit to the Central Valley, when he filmed the first episode of, The Lowe Files, back in 2019. His love of the supernatural lead him to film the first episode at Preston Castle, in Ione, and that helped me find something to enjoy out here. I struggled in the first few years, as there isn't a lot to see, and photograph in and around Stockton. But Preston Castle changed all that. As did the town of Ione, Ca. The castle itself is mighty spooky and at the same time glorious. Like all truly spooky places it has a deeply troubled past, which intrigued me. In the next few years I photographed it many times over. And there is a very photogenic graveyard nearby and one of my favorite autumn trees to feature every year in my autumn leaf project, sits nearby in a small park and ride near the creek. 

 

I'm still grateful to Mr. Lowe, he will never know it, but he helped me heal. I experienced a lot of pain between 2015 and 2019 when he visited here. Because of his visit, I was interested about something again, and even slightly amused about how Preston Castle could have easily served as Hubie Marsten's house from Stephen King's, Salem's Lot, that Rob Lowe starred in. It's easy to pretend it was Ben Mears who visited here, and let my child's mind take over for a bit. Are there really ghosts roaming around among us? Perhaps. Are there vampires sleeping in an eerie house on a nearby hill? I don't know where they sleep, but I can say without a doubt that yes, there are vampires among us. That's what's got me to where I am right now.

 

Damn those vampires.

But Thank you, Ben Mears and Rob Lowe. 

 

"But when fall comes, kicking summer out on it's treacherous ass, as it always does one day sometime after the mid point of September, it stays awhile like an old friend who you have missed." 

 

~Stephen King

Salem's Lot

 

You might recall that this is my 

favorite quote to begin autumn with. 

 

 

The Predicament Of The Anti-Autumn

 

"To photograph is to hold one's breath, when all faculties converge to capture fleeting reality. It's at that precise moment that mastering an image becomes a great physical and intellectual joy."

~Henri Cartier-Bresson

 

The Minds Eye:Writings on Photography And Photographers

 

Desmond Road

Galt, California

May 6th 2022

Minolta

 

 It's spring... the anti-autumn. So, when I find myself in the predicament of spring, I naturally focus my entire attention on all things associated with autumn. I read, and watch, a lot of Stephen King movies and books, and crave pumpkin pie. I think about what's in the shade of the trees on a hillside, and try to consider what is really behind all the tiny noises one hears go bump in the night. I don't like spring, but it can be as delightfully unpredictable as autumn, especially with the weather. The Bay Area is about to experience a storm that is promising rain in the 9 counties, snow in the foothills, and temperatures in the 30's here in the San Joaquin valley. All things fairly similar to autumn. The next few days presents a wonderful chance to do some birding, practice some black and white photography and get to know the new camera better. We were cheated out of autumn last year, so this year I want to be ready with the camera to find as much beauty as possible, even on dark spooky October days. I didn't even finish my leaf gallery last year, which hurt me a lot, that won't be happening this year!

:)

It Is Said That...

 "It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before your eyes. That is true, it's called life."

 

Terry Pratchett

The Last Continent

 

Okay, here is yet another new post, I am making progress. And a new photo as well. Well, actually it's a new photo in the sense that it was never posted previously. And, in continuing with the theme of "new", I am writing this post from a band new computer. My old computer was damaged last summer from a sudden power surge that blew through the house. How? Well, it was all tied to the move so I am going to just not discuss it. It is all in the past. I am trying really hard to just pick up the pieces from it and Covid. Life can't swing back upwards if I don't. 

 

Anyway, the new computer is awesome.

 It's an HP Pavilion desktop, TP01-2xxx. It's specs are as follows...

 

AMD Ryzen 5700G w/Radeon Graphics GFz

RAM: 16.0 GB

64-bit operating system, 64-based processor

Windows 11 installed. 

 

Windows 11... blech! I would rather have Windows 10 back, but lets be honest, that's just because I was so familiar with how it worked. Windows 11 has a lot of new features, and the interface is completely different. In my opinion, it's just not as attractive as previous Windows systems, but that's not everything I suppose. Anyway, we purchased a separate drive for all the files and images I stored on my old computer so if I need anything it's still close, but the last 7 years isn't in my face every time I sit down to the computer.

 

So, off we go. I have some plans for the computer. Some classes perhaps. Lots of birding, means lots of editing, and photography in general means lots of experiences that will get me outside of the depression. Although, I have always maintained that once life notices you having any fun or contentment whatsoever, it will kick you in the nuts, just to see you cry, but I am willing to see what happens tomorrow. I'll give life one more try. But if you hear a distant scream, and hear an unnerving amount of wailing, that would probably be me. 

Just kidding.

 

No, I'm Not Dead, Just A Litttle Stiff

 

"The emotion that can break your heart 

is sometimes the very one that heals it... ."

 

~ Nicholas Sparks

At First Sight

 

Nope, demonstrably I am not dead, although sometimes I truly wonder why I am still moving. The last 6 months have been an epic shitshow. So much so that I never finished my annual autumn leaf project. I probably should have been blogging about what had been going on for me, but I was too busy nursing emotional distress AKA depression, and then eventually Covid-19 ( Omicron ) to make any real effort at actually being alive. The one thing that kept me going, by a tiny thread, was the fact that Alan contracted Covid-19 just before I did, and there was no way I was going to give up as long as he was ill. 

 

We got Covid-19, the pretty much right at Christmas. If you've been reading me any length of time, you know we have been ill every single Christmas, with mostly head colds, since we moved to Stockton in 2015 but this past Christmas was a whole other thing. What had become a silly joke, a coincidence we kinda looked forward to, turned into a fucking nightmare that is still haunting me. Alan made a full recovery, I am left with some lingering effects, known as "After Covid". My hair is falling out, and my taste buds are acting like everything tastes like a piece of metal. Although I actually do better with sugar than with salt. Sugar is at least tolerable.

I'm okay. I really am. I am much better off than most who got covid. I am alive, so I really am counting my blessings, but the depression I feel... the sadness lingers and manifests in strange ways. I will share more about that at some point, but believe it or not, there is more to share about the last 6 months than getting Covid, you see, Alan retired, quite suddenly, and I am a bit thrown off by that, but that's a good thing. It's healthy for him to have finally pulled the plug on that place he worked for. 32 years of the stress is enough. He made the decision while recovering from the virus, and I am not all together sure that was the best time to make that kind of decision, but whats done is done, and as the saying goes.... "and away we go."

So, as you can see there is life after covid. Bald Eagles, and Mute Swans, and retirement and lots of good things, but there is the lingering fears that haunt me and there is nothing I can do about it but try to pick up the camera as much as possible and focus on everything I was ever taught about depression. I just wish I could sleep, but again, life is about retraining the mental tapes to play the music that makes life worth living. And I'm trying. That's why I am back to this blog. My goal is to post several times a week, so if you are still out there, don't give up on me. Although I will admit that I have been writing this post for 12 days.

 

But at least I am trying and I'm still me.

  Stay Tuned!

 

Me

 

 

#29 On The 30th

"They tell you to turn a new leaf 

and the complain about your faded color."

Nitya Parkash

No words today, well just one...

Happiness.    :)

 

It's Called The Leaf Of The Day For A Reason, Silly!

 

"There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll neer understand what it's saying."

 

~Sarah Dessen

Just Listen

 

The last few days I have felt like I was a zombie. This move... no the selling of this house... has kicked my ever loving ass! You can probably tell, because I haven't posted the Leaf Of The Day for several days. But again, I will share the whole story... the ends and outs and strange moments when I get settled in. It's been an experience, as is most moves I suppose, but for right now, lets get caught up on some beauty, shall we?

 

Ellipsis Leaf Of The Day #5

Cull Canyon

September 26th 2021

Nikon

 Ellipsis Leaf Of The Day #6

Cull Canyon

September 26th 2021

Nikon

And on to tomorrow... 

 

On The Fourth Day Of Autumn

 

"The was all in the making, a long time ago.

 You had as much control over these events

 as a lead does in the lead does in the time of it's falling."

~Colin Meloy

 

Autumn... beautiful... autumn. And it's only day four!

 

 

No Panache And The Whore

"The tints of autumn... a mighty flower garden

 blossoming under the spell of the enchanter, frost."

 

~John Greenleaf Whittier

 

So, if all goes well, our official date to vacate our home will be Sunday, October 3rd. What a strange feeling. As I have said before, I liked the place, it had the most beautiful interior lines, and so much mid-century character, but it was never real. No panache and her whore of a boyfriend... lol... builder... liar... coward... co-conspirator, sunk us financially before we ever moved in. For clarification purposes, Jeanette and Mike lied to us just enough to sink our financial life before we ever moved into our home. So why did we move it? Well, it's a long story, that mostly took place in Turlock, California, in the summer of 2015. I don't want to think about it right now, not while I am packing to move from the only home I have ever owned. It brings about too many emotions that wouldn't help in any way! I will share sometime after we move into the new rental. For now, and probably for the next couple weeks, my blog posts will mostly be held to "Leaf Of The Day" entries. Autumn is already looking quite lovely, so I am glad that my blog will have plenty of beautiful leaves to help me heal, and move on.

 

Judas Tree Leaf

Ione, California

September 2021

Nikon

 

 

 

Autumn Begins... 3:20 PM EDT

 

"But when fall comes, kicking summer out on its treacherous ass as it always does one day sometime after the midpoint of September, it stays awhile like an old friend that you have missed. It settles in the way an old friend will settle into your favorite chair and take out his pipe and light it and then fill the afternoon with stories of places he has been and things he has done since last he saw you."

 

~Stephen King

Salem's Lot

 

The last photograph of summer in the San Joaquin Valley  

 

The Autumn Equinox is here. Finally. Autumn... the great healer of all the fire, pain, exhaustion, and of course, treacherousness of summer. I know I say it every single year, but the summer of 2021 was a season I tried very hard to not turn my back on. If ever a summer smile on it's face and a knife in it's hand, it was this one. We are selling our home, which means it has been emotionally exhausting, but we are nearing the end of that journey, closing is only a matter of days away, and autumn will heal us. It always does. It did in 2015, after the cruelest summer in decades brought us to Stockton, by way of the desolateness of the towns of Patterson and Turlock. The summer of 2015 tried very hard to break us, fortunately, it was also incompetent, because we are still standing.

 

 Last year, autumn relieved the world of Donald John Trump's presidency. Some healing definitely happened, but then a bitter winter came, and with it, the pain of an insurrection. But in the end, autumn and winter joined hands one last time the day of Joe Biden's inauguration. It meant a lot to me to see not just Biden be sworn in, but also that of the first female vice president of the United States, Kamala Harris. This year, all I ask of autumn is to be gentle with me. Help me find my way. I will be saying more about it later, but all I want for the first week of my favorite season is to enjoy our last week, or so, in our house. To love as much as Alan and I can. Love the kids. Love the movies we watch. Love the meals we share. Love. Autumn is here, and it has indeed kicked summer out on it's treacherous ass! 

 

And now, the first autumn leaf of 2021!

 

Sacramento, California

Nikon

 

Art About Town: San Leandro... "Truth Is Beauty"

 

"Eleanor was right. She never looked nice.

 She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."

 

~Rainbow Powell

Eleanor & Park

 

I have been wanting to photograph the beautiful piece of art, since it was installed at the San Leandro Tech Campus, way back in 2016! But, you know how 2016 went, so you understand why it was so difficult to make my way to the Bay Area to photograph any art, let alone this particular piece. Fast forward, and here we are in 2021 and things are looking up now. With the (knock wood) sale of the house, the future looks a lot brighter. I am planning on getting a car soon. If all goes well, it will be in less than a week, and there will be money this year for vacation, so hopefully I will be able to photograph as much art as I want, in as many different cities as possible. Art and birds. Those two subjects are my favorite photographic escapes. Oops, lets not forget autumn. Oh boy... I give up. There is just too much beauty in the world to actually play favorites. Right?

 

 We will see where this autumn takes us!

 

"Truth Is Art"

By Marco Cochrane

San Leandro Tech Campus

San Leandro, California

(Learn More Here)

 

Belted Kingfisher

  

"Birds know themselves not to be at the center of anything, but at the margins of everything. The end of the map. We only live where someone's horizon sweeps someone else's. We are only noticed on the edge of things; but on the edge of things, we notice much."

 

~Gregory Maguire

Out Of Oz

 

Finally, after almost 10 months of searching ditches and fence posts, I found the Belted Kingfisher, or as my Twitter pal Gary calls it, my nemesis, but really, it was simply, my greatest birding challenge in my first year of birding. I didn't spot it first, Alan did, as we drove through the Yolo Bypass Wilderness Area, in Davis, Ca. We love it there, and it was apparent that the birds have definitely started the annual migration. When we visited in the middle of summer, it was completely empty, save for a few Red-winged Blackbirds. Not that I don't love them, but they are almost as common in the area as sparrows. We will most certainly be doing birding on vacation!

 

 

 More to come!

 

Mid-Century Center Pine

 

"Times was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be one.

 I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you."

 

~Jonathin Safran Foer 

 

Again with the rick mid-century elegance of Reno, Nevada. I love it there! Like San Francisco, there is something to see and photograph, no matter which way you happen to be gazing. I will do more photography there soon, I hope, it's a feast for the eyes and the creativity. Lets just hope we have a mild winter.

 

Center Pine (Shopping Center)

Reno, Nevada

September 5th, 2021

Nikon

 

 

With A Week To Go

 

"Waiting hurts.

 Forgetting hurts.

 But not knowing which decision to take

 is sometimes the most painful."

 

~Jose N. Harris

MI VIDA: A Story Of Faith Hope And Love

 

With a week to go, there are a few small things to be addressed with the house. A small amount of pealing paint outside. What's worrying me is that the appraiser that came out a couple weeks ago, is not returning Rosalie's phone calls. That can't be good. Meanwhile I can't help but feel dread. We could lose everything with one small decision from FHA about the buyers loan. My whole life is waiting on a big decision waiting for someone else. My depression is 10 but since yesterday I am at a much more even mood. I feel like I have let go, because I can't do a single thing about the situation and so far worrying hasn't saved anything. I am depressed. I am even minded. And it's almost like I have simply and completely given up of my will. I don't know that I care where I end up in this. I just don't care. 

 

But autumn will be here before magic escrow, so there's that. 

 

 

~Me

Photo: Cull Canyon

September 10th 2021

Nikon

 

 

Whispering From Every Leaf

 

"There is another alphabet, whispering from every leaf, singing from every corner, shimmering from every sky."

 

~Dejan Stojanovic

 

My favorite tree, it lives in Cull Canyon. It's showing autumn colors early, and it's soul healing. Soon, I hope to visit the trees in Berkeley. By the way, Trump was seriously considering launching a nuclear strike against China last year, on October 30th, and apparently the Chairman of The Joint Chiefs, Milley, saved us. Fuck me. I am not so sure that this would have not made my life easier. Help. As if this move isn't stressful enough.

Make this pain stop.

 

 

Leaving Heaven Behind

 

"The beauty as mystery of this world only emerges through affection, attention, interest and compassion... open your eyes wide and actually see this world by attending to its colors, details and irony."

 

~Orhan Pamuk

My Name Is Read 

 

Leaves. It's not quite time for autumn, but the colors began almost three weeks ago. Summer gave up this year. Fine. I am ready to be on with it too. Lets get the past, present, and future on it's merry way. The only thing I want to see last is autumn. I am going to need this time of healing. I am grateful that leaving Heaven behind, begins at the end of the summer of 2021.

 

 

~Me

September 12th 2021

Stockton, California

 

Saying Goodbye... 9/11 Twenty Years Later

 "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it's sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens. But it's never gone."

~Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy

I have considered ending my 9/11 tributes over the years. Not because I have forgotten about what happened that day, and who it happened to, but because after 20 years perhaps it's time to not take back the grief yearly, like it sits on a shelf, waiting to be recognized. That's not how grief works. So, how does one celebrate a life? David and Lynn Angell were wonderful people. As was Marisa DiNardo Schorpp, who fell to her death, from the World Trade Center, on that horrible day. I feel like I got to know them, through my research. I only came to know about Marisa in recent years, but she left an impression me, on 9/11, that stayed with me to this day. She was in a window, along with others, begging for help as fire burned behind her. She was wearing a beautiful black skirt and white blouse. Classic. I felt so bad for years, that there was no way to say goodbye to know of her life, or to say goodbye to her, then one day while watching a documentary about 9/11, a man described seeing her fall to her death. She was identified years later, after her purse was discovered among the personal effects of the victims.

 

 Her name was Marisa, and she had lovely taste.

 

Anyway, this is my last 9/11 tribute post. It's been twenty years, and honestly, the new world I thought would be carved from grief and new understanding of our kinship as Americans never came to pass. We have all but forgotten what happened all those years ago, and we, Americans, don't stand up for each other, instead we push nationalist agendas out of cowardice and selfish need to put ourselves first, as if what happens to our neighbor doesn't happen to us. Americans unite in times of trouble? That's as silly a notion at this point as reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. Sigh. I really thought we would be in a different place by this time, but sadly, we aren't, and it will be at least another generation before we can hope to see the idea of an America that lives up to that ideal. At my age, I am unsure if I will ever see the idea of brotherhood in America, let alone the ideal itself. Its sad. I was hoping that from the ashes, an American Phoenix would arise. Sadly, we can keep honoring the victims, but if it's just to show the world how much we remember, we are stepping on the very lives we can never properly repay, or truly honor. Next year, I will reflect on these three extraordinary people, but in my own way, and to myself.

Rest In Peace... David, Lynn And Marisa

The Mural At The Corner Of Sinclair And Pine

"Imagine you saw a color in your dream, which you have never seen before. It doesn't consist of any colors or shades that you know. Try to describe that color would be as difficult as trying to believe that is enough love and compassion in the world so ever human can feel happiness."

 

~Egar Kraft

 

Reno has some amazing murals. They are everywhere. I wasn't prepared for all the colors and moods of the fabulous street art. The only problem... finding the name of the piece, and the artist who created it. Honestly, if a particular mural really speaks to me, and I photograph it, 9 times out of 10, there will be ZERO information about it available online. Take that lovely flower, I have been doing searches about it for days... nothing. It must be from a few years back. Shrug. Who knows? But that doesn't mean I won't keep trying. I will continue to search, and when I find out the info on it, I will update this post. Just wait and see, I will find it. 

I love art. It is not only a healthy distraction, it inspires me to not see times like this, when I am terrified, in a black and white scheme. In other words, it holds the depression at bay. Temporarily. When I was in that deep depression, all those years ago, and had to spend a little time in adult daycare, which still sounds like way more fun than it is, I scoffed at artsy fartsy time, even though I enjoyed all kinds of art, and doing photography. I already knew how much better I felt inside, just by picking up one of my art books, but how exactly was my drawing a picture, going to end the suffering I was in? Not one single detail of what caused it would change. The details of my pain, wouldn't change, but to my surprise, the artsy fartsy time did give me a gentle distraction, and did stimulate my creative side, which helped me accept help and to be creative in my outlook.

I'm always skeptical, in times like this, about where the miracle will come from, despite the fact that Alan and I have rode bad times before, but one always wonders, will this be what breaks us? Who will rent to us? Will anyone rent to us? It's nutty that we have more than enough to buy a mobile home, but the park where it sits has the final decision on if we are good enough to live there! Will we beat the devil? Do we need to make a pact with the devil? Can you make a pact with the devil? Life has hurtful moments, but sometimes one can hit a path so full of sharp gravel that the road tears up your feet, and stops you cold. It's such an absurd thought that we will sell the house, and have several hundred thousand dollars in the bank, but have nowhere to live. So, you see my problem. I just want a home, but until then, lots of anonymous murals to keep me from giving up. 

~Me

Stockton, Ca

September 9th, 2021

 

 

And Then There Are Mannequins

 

"Do we not each dream of dreams? Do we not dance on the notes of lost memories? Then are we not each dreamers of tomorrow and yesterday, since dreams play when time is askew? Are we not all adrift in a constant sea of trial and when all is done, do we not all yearn for ships to carry us home?"

 

~Nathan Reese Maher

 

I love mannequins. I especially love the happy ones. The ones in wedding gowns, and the ones that have smiles on their face, or the ones that have that silly laugh on their faces, as the ones in Berkeley did when I began photographing them all those years ago, but the ones I enjoy photographing the most, are the ones like this. The relatively stoic. The ones that seem to be looking to a far place beyond the window. Where are they looking? Am I supposed to look for the same view they see? Can I? And if I see what she's looking at, how will it change my view of things? Perhaps her view is worse than anything happening to me right now. But maybe her view is the answer to all unanswered questions. Sigh, or maybe she is just a mannequin... a really cool subject that inspires me.

Mannequin

Reno, Nevada

September 5th 2021

Nikon

~Me

Stockton, California

September 8th 2021