Bullet Holes

 

"Speaking personally, you can take my gun,

 but you'll take my book when you pry my cold dead fingers off of the binding."

~Stephen King

There is so much beauty at the Cosumnes River Preserve. Nature at it's most beautiful. From the amazing sunsets, to the birding I have done there. I spotted my first ever Bald Eagle soaring over the preserve, it was the most majestic thing I had ever saw. The wildflowers in the spring and the autumn leaves in the Fall, every bit of the best of nature is to be had. Even the Mexican-free tailed bat adds additional joy to just being there, in the moment. So why would anyone be so hollow inside as to shoot up a sign, asking those visiting to not bother the birds? It's sad, and a shame that folks behave in this manner. It's fucking heart breaking. Sometimes I just want to give up, stop stepping out of my condo, but the world is so scary that I need the respite of this amazing place, so I keep calm and carry on. Why does every area of life have to be so exhausting... and deeply depressing?

The Beauty Of The Cosumnes River Preserve

I'm Tired

 “How many have to die before we will give up these dangerous toys?”
― Stephen King,  

Guns

 

 

Usually I don't begin quoting Stephen King until the first day of autumn, but after last nights events (see my previous post) and the apparent assassination of right-wing influencer and CEO of Turning Point USA, Charlie Kirk, I turn to horror to find my center. The lights you see, shining through my bedroom window, are the lights from the various police, fire trucks, D.A. vehicles, and ambulances. They light shined through my window until 5:00 a.m. this morning. You see, there was an officer involved shooting across the street from where I live, basically right under my window. It's overwhelmingly stressful. (Update)

 

I couldn't stand Charlie Kirk, I believed he was verbally dangerous, and was dangerous politically motivated but I would have never wished this for him. I will not be celebrating his death. As someone said today, we must try to reach deep down in our souls and find our better angels. 

 

(Feeling Quiet)

 

About 18 months ago I witnessed a man shooting a gun, at his wife, in the back alleyway of the condos where we live. He shot toward her second floor condo, while we were driving next to him toward our parking spot. It was terrifying, and it stayed with me for months. I wrote about it here. Eventually I let go of that incident, but I hear gunshots in my neighborhood regularly. Mostly I close my eyes, and try to meditate it away. Mostly. But sometimes I hold in my fear, because what can I do about my situation? Well, we are considering moving, our condo has gained just enough equity to cover a down payment on a new place, and moving costs, but we can't move right this minute. I want more savings toward the move, so we don't go broke by starting over. 

 

Life is hard. Charlie Kirk dying at 31 is horrific. A young father of two, and husband to his wife, Erica, with a full life ahead of him. We must address guns, but we won't, and nothing ever change. We must address political apeshittery, but we won't. We must stop thinking of each other as the enemy, we won't. But sadly, nothing ever changes. 

 

Shortly after the events of 9/11, American's came together. Then we drifted apart.

 

Tomorrow is the 24th anniversary of that horrific event.  

 

(Sigh)

 

I'm tired. 

 

“Time seemed frozen, the applause went on and on even though heads were turning, necks were craning; someone had screamed because there was a man in the gallery and the man was holding a rifle and this was something they had all seen on TV, it was a situation with classic elements that they all recognized. In it's own way, it was as American as The Wonderful World of Disney. The politician and the man in a high place with the gun.”

 
~Stephen King,

  The Dead Zone

 

 Here is a booklet from the Department Of Homeland Security on how to keep yourself safe, should you find yourself in an active shooter situation. It's worth downloading.

 

 Active Shooter and How To Respond ( DHS ) 

Song Of Nature

 

“In their previous lives, poets were bats, and thinkers were owls.”

 
~Michael Bassey Johnson,

  Song of a Nature Lover

 

  

The bats of 2025 were beautiful, but that's not a new revelation. If you know me at all, you know I fell hopelessly in love with every single Mexican Free-tailed bat the visits each year. But this year I cherished them even more, as their numbers at the Franklin boulevard Bridge were noticeably fewer. As were the mosquitos. The two go together. It was disappointing and a little scary to witness such a change. In years past, the bridge would be lined with my fellow bat enthusiasts, the kids love it! But between the strangely cool summer we had, and the lack of our bat friends, it was an unusual year for nature in the San Joaquin Valley. I have also noticed less birds here as well! I am obviously not sure whether it is the decline of the ecosystem due to Climate Change, caused by greed and ignorance, or just one of those off years that happens sometimes! I have my suspicions. California has done better than most states in our fight for environmental causes, but we are far from perfect. There is discarded trash everywhere in the valley. Folks throw their old furniture and tires anywhere they think no one will notice. The folks around me just don't care! Stocktonians are dead inside.

 

Speaking of which, while I was working on this post,

 this happened, right outside my bedroom window... 

 

CBS 13 Sacramento

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG

SIREN, SIREN,SIREN, SIREN, SIREN

FIRETRUCK

 

(Silence)

 

Stockton Police helicopter circling, in a beautiful sky, above my home.

(Falcon One)

 

It's been 2 hours and the police still have the streets closed off.

 

DRAMA. Useless drama.

 

( Sad, Scared, Depressed, Silence) 

 

Man, this post went sideways fast! 

 

Okay, so lets just focus of the beauty, shall we?

 

 

Stay Safe My Friends,

 And Be Grateful For The Beautiful Things In Life.

Guns And Roses

 

"Hot Cocoa"rose from my garden.

Autumn 2012

 

“Your photography is a record of your living,

 for anyone who really sees.”

~Paul Strand

 

 

 

It's true, sometimes I take a photograph of a landscape or a beautiful bird, but it's more about how I feel while I use my camera. I always have an emotional connection to my subjects. Some of the photos that I have done, that I have received the most positive feedback on, have been when I have been in the depths of depression, and sometimes it's about fear. Please don't think that has been the emotions behind all of my photography, I am a happy and content person most of the time. I am getting older, and that means a symphony of physical pain, and limitations, but I do my best to accept it and move on. However, sometimes life just throws you in the middle of the, frankly, SHIT, and doesn't give you a choice on how you take it. My niece died in a traffic accident that was not her fault. To make it worse, it was a hit and run. Fuck! A short time later my nephew committed suicide.

 

 FUUUUUUUUCK!

 

Glock

 

And if that wasn't enough to fuck me up, yesterday I thought I was going to die. We were out doing errands for a while, and when we returned home a car was parked in the middle of the alleyway where we park our Mini Cooper. We couldn't get around him without driving over the grass and around to sewage equipment. Suddenly a man got out of his car with a gun, and fired about 4 shots toward his girlfriend's apartment. She was yelling back at him in anger, for shooting his gun towards the apartment where her young children were! Oh Shit! Was he going to shoot us for being witnesses? Were we going to be the latest statistic of rampant gun violence? Was the young woman he was shooting toward be a victim of domestic violence? I was terrified! I decided that if he was going to shoot me, I hoped he would shoot to kill, because I didn't want to be in pain and still be alive. That would be a hell of a FUCK YOU from fate, wouldn't it? Just get it over with! You think about a lot of things when you think your death is imminent. 

 

Who will take care of my cats?

 Will it hurt?

 Or will I just be gone?

Did I put on clean underwear?

Guns don't sound the same as they do on TV and in movies!

 

The my brain turned to...

White car, sedan 4 doors, Honda 

4 shots... I think

Young black man

mid 30's

White clothing

We drove around him as best we could, parked, and went into our condo. I called the police. I gave them all the information I could. I was embarrassed by how much I had forgot between the car and when I went inside. I guess I am not the best witness, but FUUUUUUUUUK he had a gun! It looked like a Glock22 semi-automatic but I don't know anything about guns, it's a guess based on the limited research I have done in the last 24 hours. Isn't it strange that something so scary is so exotic. I think I am going to do more research on the instrument of death to both make me feel less frightened next time and better educated. I need to do better next time, and believe me, I know there will be a next time.  I should have began this paragraph with telling you that I am okay, but a little fucked up this weekend. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago, just after my family died. I have lots of incidents in my past that have caught up to me in my old age. I am getting treatment, but it's a long road, and who knows, I may not ever recover. But I am trying. 

 

Now, what's up with the roses? Well, the errand I was on yesterday was to buy some new roses for my garden. I found a lovely "Peace" rose and to my, absolute delight, I found a "Hot Cocoa" rose! I LOVE that rose! I had one when I lived in the Bay Area, and it was an absolute delight! It was the favorite of all my roses, and I had to leave it behind when I moved. Once we settled in Stockton, I looked and looked at every garden center I could, with absolutely no luck at all, so I gave up. But yesterday, there it was! What a happy turn of events! I will have that beautiful rose growing in my garden once again. Something to help me heal, and then that gun incident had to happen, because everybody has a gun. Will my mind attach that incident to my roses? Will I think of it every time I see a new rose grow on the stem? That remains to be seen, but right now it's hard to think about. The human brain manifests fear strangely... and sometimes it's just lets the negativity go, and it gets filed away. And, of course, that's for the best.

So, it was a guns and roses kind of day. Like the name of the band. Funny thing, I can't remember a single song by them, but I did a little looking around on YouTube and found this song, which I kinda like. I wasn't into Heavy Metal rock, so I passed it all by, but now I think I will have to listen to more of their stuff. Discovering new things, making new memories helps erase the stuff you don't want to think about. Like suicide. Like murder. It should be more music, less murder. More roses, less guns. More healing, less scars. Even if life has other plans. I am trying, I really am.

 

 Anyway, this is a nice song, and I hope you enjoy it.

"November"

By Guns And Roses

I witnessed gun violence yesterday.

 Next time I will try to capture the turn of fate with my camera.

 I guess it was my new experience for March. On to April.

Red

"Red is the ultimate cure for sadness"

~Bill Blass

I was going to do this post in a few days, but I had thought I would go ahead and post them today, due to the lack of sleep I got last night, I was unable to do the photography I had planned. The tragedy in Las Vegas hit just after I posted yesterday, and it pretty much consumed most of my time, waiting for updates on the news. I am not sure why I do that every time something like that happens, I guess some part of me always hopes the reports get it wrong. It didn't really happen. It was a false alarm. But as the night went on, it became all very real. It wasn't some ill timed drill. And the numbers involved didn't go down... they went up... and by the time I woke up yesterday, it was the worst mass shooting in American history! And it wasn't a group who did it... it was one man, alone in a hotel room, on the 32 floor. 

I remember years ago, my therapist told me that red was a power color, which made a lot of sense to me. She said it gives one an air of strength. Color plays a lot of roles in our lives, and I found the whole thought of one color making that much difference, I began to read all I could about how to use color in decorating. I am not really into Feng Shui, but I do enjoy decorating the rooms in our home in a sort of seasonal feeling. I bet you think my whole house is done in a fall theme... right? No, not the whole house, just the living room, which is done in Rusty Nail, on 2 statement walls.

The bedroom is Cornflower Blue, again on 2 walls. The guest bathroom is two toned. Blue Glacier and Roasted Corn. The coffeehouse is Meditation Green, my office will be Purple Daffodil, and the on-suite bathroom is Crisp Apple and Apple blossom. Each room has a different vibe, and I am enjoying that, because I find as I get older I need more places of refuge when the world turns crazy. It's funny how the older you get, the more you tend to appreciate your surroundings, especially your own home. I know I do. 

The Cornflower blue on the bedroom walls did wonders for calming me down, as I tried to sleep. When I finally did finally fall asleep, I slept only about 4 hours, be they were in a deep, restful sleep. And the cats helped too. All three of them were by my side, making me feel safe, and very loved! Unfortunately, when I got up, I then woke up to the sad news that Tom Petty was clinging to life after suffering a massive heart attack. I loved his music so much! So, my heart broke for a second time in 24 hours. 

Life is really hard. 

There will be time for the rant I have planned about gun control.

Right now I think I will sink into the colors that soothe my soul.

Put on some music. And appreciate how it all comes together to make me whole again. Life goes on, and it's just an unfortunate fact that we have to live through the bad. to really appreciate the good.

To everything there is a season,

 and a time and purpose under heaven.

#4 Leaf Of The Day

September 22nd, 2017

Old Sacramento, California

Mood: Reflective

~Me