Guns And Roses

 

"Hot Cocoa"rose from my garden.

Autumn 2012

 

“Your photography is a record of your living,

 for anyone who really sees.”

~Paul Strand

 

 

 

It's true, sometimes I take a photograph of a landscape or a beautiful bird, but it's more about how I feel while I use my camera. I always have an emotional connection to my subjects. Some of the photos that I have done, that I have received the most positive feedback on, have been when I have been in the depths of depression, and sometimes it's about fear. Please don't think that has been the emotions behind all of my photography, I am a happy and content person most of the time. I am getting older, and that means a symphony of physical pain, and limitations, but I do my best to accept it and move on. However, sometimes life just throws you in the middle of the, frankly, SHIT, and doesn't give you a choice on how you take it. My niece died in a traffic accident that was not her fault. To make it worse, it was a hit and run. Fuck! A short time later my nephew committed suicide.

 

 FUUUUUUUUCK!

 

Glock

 

And if that wasn't enough to fuck me up, yesterday I thought I was going to die. We were out doing errands for a while, and when we returned home a car was parked in the middle of the alleyway where we park our Mini Cooper. We couldn't get around him without driving over the grass and around to sewage equipment. Suddenly a man got out of his car with a gun, and fired about 4 shots toward his girlfriend's apartment. She was yelling back at him in anger, for shooting his gun towards the apartment where her young children were! Oh Shit! Was he going to shoot us for being witnesses? Were we going to be the latest statistic of rampant gun violence? Was the young woman he was shooting toward be a victim of domestic violence? I was terrified! I decided that if he was going to shoot me, I hoped he would shoot to kill, because I didn't want to be in pain and still be alive. That would be a hell of a FUCK YOU from fate, wouldn't it? Just get it over with! You think about a lot of things when you think your death is imminent. 

 

Who will take care of my cats?

 Will it hurt?

 Or will I just be gone?

Did I put on clean underwear?

Guns don't sound the same as they do on TV and in movies!

 

The my brain turned to...

White car, sedan 4 doors, Honda 

4 shots... I think

Young black man

mid 30's

White clothing

We drove around him as best we could, parked, and went into our condo. I called the police. I gave them all the information I could. I was embarrassed by how much I had forgot between the car and when I went inside. I guess I am not the best witness, but FUUUUUUUUUK he had a gun! It looked like a Glock22 semi-automatic but I don't know anything about guns, it's a guess based on the limited research I have done in the last 24 hours. Isn't it strange that something so scary is so exotic. I think I am going to do more research on the instrument of death to both make me feel less frightened next time and better educated. I need to do better next time, and believe me, I know there will be a next time.  I should have began this paragraph with telling you that I am okay, but a little fucked up this weekend. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago, just after my family died. I have lots of incidents in my past that have caught up to me in my old age. I am getting treatment, but it's a long road, and who knows, I may not ever recover. But I am trying. 

 

Now, what's up with the roses? Well, the errand I was on yesterday was to buy some new roses for my garden. I found a lovely "Peace" rose and to my, absolute delight, I found a "Hot Cocoa" rose! I LOVE that rose! I had one when I lived in the Bay Area, and it was an absolute delight! It was the favorite of all my roses, and I had to leave it behind when I moved. Once we settled in Stockton, I looked and looked at every garden center I could, with absolutely no luck at all, so I gave up. But yesterday, there it was! What a happy turn of events! I will have that beautiful rose growing in my garden once again. Something to help me heal, and then that gun incident had to happen, because everybody has a gun. Will my mind attach that incident to my roses? Will I think of it every time I see a new rose grow on the stem? That remains to be seen, but right now it's hard to think about. The human brain manifests fear strangely... and sometimes it's just lets the negativity go, and it gets filed away. And, of course, that's for the best.

So, it was a guns and roses kind of day. Like the name of the band. Funny thing, I can't remember a single song by them, but I did a little looking around on YouTube and found this song, which I kinda like. I wasn't into Heavy Metal rock, so I passed it all by, but now I think I will have to listen to more of their stuff. Discovering new things, making new memories helps erase the stuff you don't want to think about. Like suicide. Like murder. It should be more music, less murder. More roses, less guns. More healing, less scars. Even if life has other plans. I am trying, I really am.

 

 Anyway, this is a nice song, and I hope you enjoy it.

"November"

By Guns And Roses

I witnessed gun violence yesterday.

 Next time I will try to capture the turn of fate with my camera.

 I guess it was my new experience for March. On to April.

A Cold Day's Sunset

"December's wintry breath is already clouding the pond,

 frosting the pane, obscuring summer's memory... ."

~John Geddes

I want to just sit and dwell on this amazing sunset. I used to go down the hill, on Grizzly Peak boulevard, to photograph sunsets because the view from there is nothing short of amazing. On a clear twilight you can see San Francisco, and most of the San Mateo peninsula. Northern Marin and Mount Tamalpias and all of the bay islands, but now that I am in Stockton I only have the perspective from my front porch, at least for right now. Not that I mind it, that palm tree is kinda growing on me. I have never really been a fan of palm trees, but there is something about this one... I don't know... maybe I am just thinking of it as a neighbor who doesn't bother me, which lets face it, isn't that the best kind of neighbor? LOL. 

My over all mood was better this week. We are beginning to know exactly how much our finances have changed since purchasing the house, and that has lifted a lot of stress from my shoulders. The whole thing happened so quickly, we hadn't realised that we could afford to own a home, we hadn't realised our credit was as good as it is, and we weren't looking to buy, but our situation changed without our permission and thankfully something amazing came from it! LOL. I swear, Alan and I never do things like other people... we have the most amazing time... the last 25 years have seen some incredible highs and then some devastating lows, and it always feels like the scariest, fastest, most invigorating, fun roller-coaster EVER!

Life is short. And there are so many tragic events. I hate to sound like my father, but truly, people being killed in mass shootings didn't happen when I was a youngster, or even a young adult. It's hard to know that there really isn't any safe place anymore. It all feels like a crap shoot. So what do you do? Stop living your life? No, that will come soon enough on it's own. Do you stay home and never go out because something might happen? No, that's no way to live! But at the same time one has to be aware that we don't know where, or when, or even why, the next mass shooting might happen. But what does that mean? For me, it means learning all I can about how to survive if I should happen to find myself in an unthinkable situation.

I decided after 9/11 that if I find myself at the mercy of a terrorist, I am not going into the next plain of existence without a chunk of terrorist under my fingernails! And that also applies to mass shooters! Is it a bummer researching how to save one's life in that kind of situation? Yes, yes it is! But should it be done anyway? Yes... definitely! But for right now, there are no mass shooters in the world. No terrorists. The only thing I am concentrating on is this amazing sunset. It's beautiful! And it's fleeting. And the sky will never look exactly like this, ever again.

 Isn't that an awesome thought? 

Leaf Of The Day

December 3rd 2015

Mood: Concerned

~Me :)