Saturday, June 03, 2017

Stress, Friendship And Knowing Yourself In The Time Of Trump

"Reality is the leading cause of stress
 amongst those in touch with it."

~Jane Wagner 

It's been almost two months since my last post. That's an odd realization for me, because I pretty much blogged every day this blog existed, up until a couple years ago. The big move, and all the subsequent drama kept me busy, and emotional, so a lot of the time I was too tired to post or simply didn't have the will. This past autumn I felt better. I got out with the camera and resumed my Leaf Of The Day project, and I thought I might be getting back to some emotional normalcy, and then the election happened and once again I found myself in the depths of despair, and I am finding it really difficult to climb back out.  

There was a day when I would use my blog to fight through the political and day to day life nonsense. I welcomed opposing opinions, and looked forward to the debate. Patrick, if you're reading this, you know what I mean. LOL. You and I could go on and on and it would get heated but eventually we would shake it off, maybe even take a breather from each other's blog till the dust settled, but in an appropiate amount of time come back and pick up where we left off... good friends. And I am pleased to say to this day that if I ever needed someone to remember me in their prayers, I could ask you, and you would be there without reservation. For that I will always smile and be grateful when I see you on my Twitter timeline.

I've made a lot of causal friends over social media. Whether or not we keep in touch, doesn't matter so much because we all have real lives outside of the Internet. If I haven't seen someone for a while, and they pop in to say hello, it's always nice to pick back up. I like this distance to a certain degree. I have tried to not let my worlds collide. I am a private person. I rarely share my address, or phone number, and I don't speak much about what my day to day life is like because it feels so personal. I am happy in my real life. Happy marriage. Three amazing cats that keep me laughing, and my hubby and I now own our own home for the first time in our marriage. Life is should be good. But it's not. Not at all.

I am not prepared to blame the depression I have been fighting all on Donald Trump, but I have to say... he doesn't help, in fact, he scares the living SHIT out of me on a daily basis, and on the days I get up not scared, he either pisses me off or embarrasses me to the point I find myself apologizing to the world on Twitter, and begging the forgiveness of clearer thinking countries, which is strange because I didn't vote for him, so why do I feel I have to apologize? But in any case... I do. And I do.

A couple days ago, I did something I've never done before, I blocked a Twitter pal. Yes a republican, but he is a lot more than that. He's quite talented. Funny. Intelligent. Kind. Compassionate, and a lot more nice things I suspect. Don't get me wrong, we weren't best friends, or "go to" pals, but I genuinely liked him and admired his photography skills. I hoped to learn some things about photography from him, they way I learned from Steven. I was kinda lost after Steven died, so to make a new friend who I could share similar fondness for photography with was really nice, even if we only talked ocassionally. I hope that makes sense.

Anyway, when the 2016 election rolled around my friend and I would exchange the occasional barbs about left verses right and we would sometimes have some heated exchanges about our various perspectives, but it usually ended cordially, but after Trump won things felt different. In me. I don't really blame my friend for his opinion, but it all feels so irrational from the other side. It feels like when I am trying to make a point, there is no point in trying because they simply won't see or understand whats trying to be conveyed. I don't expect folks in my orbit to feel exactly like I do, but for GOD'S SAKE it feels like rational thought is dead, and has been replaced with willful ignorance. 

Understand... I am not saying that is how my friend behaved. No. But I said to him recently... "... listen, we are never going to agree on Donald Trump, his policies, his behavior or anything attached to this administration so we might as well just know that now. We just aren't." My friend agreed. We laughed a little and kicked the idea around of perhaps one day battling it out over drinks. LOL. And I left him with the request that he drop by my Twitter feed once in a while, when he isn't there to tell me how completely wrong I was. LOL. Maybe he could just come by and say "Hi... hows the weather." Again. It was a joke, meant lightheartedly, and he accepted it as such.

Well, the other day he did just that. He came by and left me a link to a Facebook post about an otter. I was adoreable. I liked it very much, and it touched me that my friend was trying to reach out. So, everything should be perfect... right? Well, timing is everything. I saw it just as Donald Trump was holding his idiotic press conference about the U.S. exiting the Paris Accord. So, I am watching a nice video about a fuzzy sea creature that my republican pal sent me, and wanting to kick my television in and scream MUTHERFUCKER at the same time. It was NOT good timing.

Something in me died. I felt it. I looked at my friend's face and knew in that moment I had to block him. Not so much because of him, but because of me. I knew that humans being humans I would one day, once again, engage with my pal in a political debate and I would go too far. I would say something dreadful that I couldn't take back. Words have meanings, and when you say something awful, out of rage, but mean it anyway, people get hurt. I don't want my friend to become the face of all the trolls who hunt me down after I leave a comment about the SHITTGIBBON we have in the White House. I don't want to take my anger, pain, frustration, fear, OH MY GOD FEAR, out on him with words I might actually mean one day.

I don't like hurting people.
I have been hurt so badly, so many times, you have NO idea.
I would rather just close the door.
And NOT say something I can't take back.

Stress in my real life, bleeds over into my virtual life, and vice versa, since Donald Trump decided to fuck our democracy. There was a time when I could handle both, but I am not doing that well right now. I am working on it, but when you can't sleep at night that doesn't help you make good decisions. I know it will all work it's way out in time. Impeachment seems likely or at least possible. Perhaps making the mortgage payments will get easier. I will learn some method of dealing with my fear of nuclear holocaust. Folks will begin waking up and realizing Trump only cares about Trump. My back will always hurt, but maybe a better medication or exercise will come along to help me deal with it. I don't know, but if my life has taught me anything it's the that ... "this too shall pass" ...is an absolute. It will pass.

But in the meantime the journey gets
 lonely and a little sad at times.





Mood: Sad

~Me

 

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Yard Rose In Black And White

"Black and white is is a mix of
 toughest simplicity
 and easiest complexity."

~Vikrmn Corpkshetra

I did a walk around the yard yesterday afternoon, but my new friend the pheasant had moved along. Not to be found. But what I did find was this gorgeous red rose by the gate, so I photographed it instead. I have to thank my friend the pheasant, if it hadn't been for him, I might not have pushed myself to pick up the camera. Sometimes life just comes together, and encouragement comes from the strangest, yet perfect sources.




Mood: Quiet

~Me 

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Seeing Tomorrow Again

"A photograph can be an instant of life captured for eternity that will never cease looking back at you."

~Brigitte Bardot

My friend the pheasant was back in the yard today. Earlier than yesterday, and I was able to capture a beautiful shot or two. It was very therapeutic. I sure hope he sticks around for a while. He is kind, and quiet... eats bugs and spiders, and so far has been kind about where he poops. In short, he is the perfect guest! I am glad I dreamed about him! He is good for me right now.

Just look at that face...

Hello Gorgeous!


Mood: Happy

~Me :)

 

Monday, April 03, 2017

Seeing Tomorrow

"The excitement of dreams coming true
 is beyond the description of words."

~Lailah Gifty Akita 

Friday night, into Saturday morning, I dreamed about pheasants. They were just walking all around me. Mostly female, but there was one or two males as well. It was so odd, because it was so specific! I hadn't seen pheasants since moving to Stockton, and I was a bit perplexed about why I would dream something like that. I looked up the meaning of the dream, in an online dream dictionary, and as it turns out it's a pleasant enough omen. It means that I am moving into a more centered existence in both my creative and personal life. I like that! It's been a hell of a couple years, I need this time. I need some contentment.

With the renovations going so well, and the financial situation coming to a clearer place, I think I can finely stop and breathe. And maybe get back out with the camera! I miss that passion. I wish the photo I took last night had come out better, but the pain from my fibromyalgia was hindering my ability to get a really stunning shot of that beautiful bird. Hopefully he will be in the yard again tomorrow, and I will be able to have a really nice session with the camera! Sometimes I dream. And sometimes they come true. Shrug. I guess it happens to everyone once in a while.




Mood: Happy

~Me :)

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The First Full Day Of Spring

"She turned to the sunlight
And shook her yellow head
And whispered to her neighbor...
Winter is dead." 
~A. A, Milne
When We Were Very Young

I guess I should have posted my Welcome To Spring post yesterday, but I completely forgot about it! I used to think about photography, and the turning of the seasons. I used to enjoy documenting things like that, but that was before Trunp. As much as I hate to admit it, I find myself either consumed with Trump and his shenanegans, or with working on the house, or with paying bills. It's a tough time right now. I flux between being scared to death and too tired to feel anything. It seems like life was a lot easier before Trump decided to take over the world.

Was it really? Or did it just seem that way? I am not sure. I guess there have always been things to worry about in the news, but with every other president that I can remember, I don't think I went to bed scared every single night. I do now. Will I wake up to the sounds of sirens going off, warning us that a missile is on the way? Did he collude with the Russians? And if he did... is it too late to undo whatever damage that has been done? And what about all the people that are going to lose not just their health care, but the very food out of their mouths?

I flux between feeling deeply sad for them, and resentful that they refused to listen when we told them Trump was a charlatan. It's all so sad... so frustrating. Yesterday, James Comey admitted that the Trump and associates have been under criminal investigation since last July, yet nothing was said prior to the election. Comey sure found a way to plant serious doubts about Clinton, but didn't tell anyone about the Trump investigation. Unbelievable. And yet I believe it! Our own FBI swayed the election toward a man under criminal investigation for colluding with a foreign government attempting to undermine our democracy.

So yeah... I am in a bit of a fog. The seasons are just going by. Hopefully the fog of this past winter will lift soon, and things will be clearer this spring and summer. I hope so.

Welcome To Spring

 Mood: Quiet

~Me 

Friday, March 17, 2017

Happy St. Patricks Day


"St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time...
 a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic."

~Adrienne Cook

May your blessings outnumber
The shamrocks that grow
And may trouble avoid you
Wherever you go!

~Irish Blessing

Happy St. Patrick's Day! 


Mood: Happy

~Me :)
 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

"Casting a curious gaze down on planet Earth, extra-terrestrial beings could well be forgiven for assuming that we humans are programmed in every move we make, by a palm-sized, oblong, slab of glass. More perplexing that that, who on earth could convince them otherwise?"

~Alex Morritt
Impromptu Scribe 

Meet my knew cell phone. There was a time when the most sophisticated cell phone out there, had a little animated creature, in black and white, that bounced up and down and crisscross and was called a screensaver. And that was top of the line. I remember the phone like it was yesterday. It was 2002 and it was a cute little Nokia. It was about 4 inches thick, and came with all kinds of goodies. I could change it color just by slipping it into a new cover! It was a great phone... for 2002.

The difference between the phones then and now is how long they last. Like the TV's we all our parents owned,  and see sat glued to growing up in the 1960's and 70's, technology was made to last! You could own a TV for 15 or 20 years, my parents did. But today... forget about it. Two years tops! My last phone was a Samsung 5. It was a great phone, but I filled up those 16 gigs early, and it pretty much began to lose it's mind a year ago, so I have been limping along, waiting until my contract with AT&T was finally over. That day came last weekend, and it was off to the T-Mobile store for a new phone, and a new experience!

So far, so good. Two lines, unlimited TTD. Welcome to 2017. Two free phones came with the deal, and we liked our old Samsung Galaxy phones, so all we really did was upgrade to a newer model. I am having a good time with getting acquainted with my new pal, but I have to admit there are things about my old friend that I miss. Mostly basic superficial things. 

Mind you, I am not interested in going back to my old senile phone, but it's never easy saying goodbye to something, or someone, you love, and let's face it, I love having a cell phone, so I have built many different, meaningful relationships over the years, and because I tend to think of certain inanimate objects as people, I can't bear to part with them when it's time to move on. I have never broken up well. I miss them, or it, and I go through the stages of grief and then one day, eventually, I move on. My last cell phone and I survived a lot together. The most profound being a close encounter with a tarantula. But, at the end of the day... we both knew it was time to say goodbye.

 Most of the time it goes just fine with the new relationship.

 Let's face it, an upgrade is usually a good thing!

 Right?

We both knew it. So on to better days!

I'm happy, and I will still use my phone for photography!

It's all good!

There is one thing I find myself resenting about my nifty new cell phone, and all the cell phones in my past for that matter, is the fact that they have made wrist watches obsolete, or unnecessary. I really miss wearing a watch. I had a small collection of them and I liked wearing them as a fashion accessory very much. Wearing a watch now doesn't seem so much fashionable as... useless.
 I really miss my watches. But I because of my cell phone, I always know exactly what time it is!

 
Sigh. 

Mood: Happy

~Me :)

 

Thursday, March 02, 2017

Marching On

"It was one of those March days
 when the sun shines bright and the wind blows cold:
 when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade."

~Charles Dickens
Great Expectations

It's the last few weeks of winter, but you wouldn't know it. The hard rain of this past few months has finally let up, although we are due for a small storm this coming Sunday! The rain has been healing both for my moods, and for the drought damaged Central Valley! Everything is a beautiful green, or if in full bloom, pick, purple, white and a dark pink! It's pretty, and it inspires me to grab the camera and search for beauty. I didn't photograph much of winter, I just wasn't in the mood, but as my mood thaws, so does the earth, and it's just too much beauty to not embrace.




Mood: Happy

~Me :)

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

#LetLizSpeak


"I have a dream that one day this nation
 will rise up and live to the true meaning of it's creed.
 "We hold these truth to be self evident
 that all men are created equal." 

~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
"I Have A Dream" 
1963

Last night, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stopped Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass) from reading a letter, written in 1986, by the widow of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., in which she detailed her opposition of Jeff Sessions appointment to a federal judgeship. Senator Warren was merely reading word for word from the passionate letter, when she was told, basically, to sit down and shut up. But Senator Warren could not be silenced and I admire her courage! Here is a link to both the letter written by Mrs. King, and the full article from the Huffington Post.

Our nation is changing every day, and not for the better. It is losing it's very soul. President Donald J. Trump hasn't been in office three weeks and he is already filling his cabinet with big donors and Goldman Sac's grifters. What has our country come to, and will we survive the deep, devastating damage being done to us? Make no mistake... If Senator Warren has the courage to keep on going, I will do all I can to support her efforts. We must be brave. We must fight, with must rise up with courage, and make our voices heard. Now, more than any other time in my lifetime, is the time to be heard and we will NOT SIT DOWN! WE WILL NOT FORGET! AND WE WILL NOT SHUT UP!

#RESIST #LETLIZSPEAK #DUMPTRUMP

 
  ~Carly

Friday, January 27, 2017

There's Good News And Bad News

"Rarely is the question asked... Is our children learning?

~George W. Bush

Florence, South Carolina
January 11th, 2000

Hey, the good news is we made it a week! Trump has been in office a whole week, although he claims his first real day was this past Monday, but anyway, as of the writing this blog post, we are all still alive! That's better than I thought we would do, so, here's to getting to next Friday alive! And now for the bad news... It seems a plastic rain poncho got the best of Dubya at Trump's Inauguration. That DICK Cheney, shitting behind him in that cheesy cowboy hat, didn't even help him put it on, he just sat there and smirked. The DICK! But that's not the bad news... the bad news is Dubya is still dumb as a stick, but he will always be smarter, and more likable than Donald Trump!

God I Miss George W. Bush!

Sheesh

My life!




Mood: Quiet

~Me

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Love Was All Around


I don't have a lot of really good memories from my childhood. It was a difficult time, but I don't dwell on the painful times too much anymore, instead I think about the moments here and there that brought me the most comfort in those painful turbulent times. I did a lot of reading as a child, I almost always had a book either in my hand, or close by, and when there wasn't a book by my side, there was a newspaper. I loved reading, to make sense of the world around me. I also watched TV, especially after my brother left for Viet Nam. I wanted to know why he was gone, why he left me, and if he would be coming back.

As you might guess, I learned to grasp the world around me a little earlier than most kids, and when other kids didn't want to discuss Watergate... lol... I would feel a bit out of place. I always loved TV and I wasn't so single minded about the world that I only watched the news and 60 Minutes, I watched sitcoms, because I also learned at a young age that humor was another great escape from the sadness!

I watched the Monkees, and I had a mad crush on Micky Dolenz. I loved Star Trek, "Space, the final frontier" and who didn't want Rob and Laura Petrie (The Dick Van Dyke Show) for the their parents? I missed that show when it went off the air, but was thrilled to death when Mary Tyler Moore came back to TV in her own show, called, of course, The Mary Tyler Moore Show. From the first episode, I was hooked. Mary Richards was my big sister, and I loved watching along with my real sister, as we tuned in each week to see what was in Mary's closet. Mary had a classic style that could still be pulled off to this day!

I loved every season of the show's seven year run, but my favorite episode came right out the gate, in season one. It was season one, episode three... "Bess Is Your Daughter Now." It was all about Mary bonding with her friend Phyllis's daughter Bess, and the transformation of what had been a strained relationship into what would become a lifelong appreciation for each other. From that episode on, Bess referred to Mary as "Aunt Mary,"and it all came about because Mary took the time to get to know a 10 year old girl,  Bess, and form that friendship. 

I was about Bess's age, and I think I thought of Mary Richards as my TV aunt from then on as well. It impressed me that someone Mary's age would make the effort to not just spend time with Bess, but truly find out about who Bess was. Not everyone has the ability to bond when children, or the patience, at least that had been my experience, and I also had a mother who deeply resented any friendship I attempted to make, including with my peers.  Forming healthy friendships was difficult, so it really impressed me and gave me hope that one day, I might meet someone from the adult world, willing to be my friend, just for the sake of being my friend.

I did. And we discussed politics and world events till we were both sick of it LOL. But we also discussed music and art, and she was a great teacher who was instrumental to bringing me out of my shell. She encouraged my creative side, and she helped me feel less alone. Sometimes I think about that time in my life, and I am glad I had learned the lesson that friendships are sometimes spontaneous things, and sometimes they need time to build, but if you are willing to put yourself out there... Love Is All Around No Need To Fake It. The friendship I made with that teacher continued for years, and I was grateful for it. Always.


Thank you, Aunt Mary!

Side Note... 
The little drawing on my sidebar, is of the poster hanging in Mary's Richard's apartment in seasons 2 through 6.
 ( "Why" By Ben Shahn )





Mood: Quiet

~Me

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

It's 3 Minutes Till Midnight... For Now

"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living. We have grasped the mystery of the atom and rejected the Sermon on the mount."

~General Omar Nelson Bradley

According To The Doomsday Clock
 it is 3 Minutes To Midnight

It's Trump's America. He was sworn in just five days ago, and he has lied, pouted, stood in front of a wall of stars that represented the fallen CIA agents that given their lives for America to remain a free country, only to whine and complain about how shitty his life is. How he would have won the popular vote, had their not been wide spread voter fraud. A lie. How when he took the oath of office their must have been 1.5 million people on the national mall observing his historical moment. Also a lie. Actual estimates put it at somewhere around 250,000. 

We have been lied to about this trivial event, and told that Trump believes in his own "alternate facts." All because he felt threated by the amazing turnout the Women's March had, which was estimated at 3 million world wide. He has shut down the phone number at the White House where you can call to voice your opinions and complaints about the nation you live in. He has suspended the Twitter accounts of the National Park service, because the have tweeted out accurate estimates of the effects of climate change. 

Trump is sick, and he is getting sicker every single day.

He seems to see people who aren't there.

And he carries with him, as all presidents do, the nuclear codes.

What happens when he begins to hear voices that aren't there?

He needs no authorization.

He just needs the right slight and he will press the button.

And the world will end.

I don't really sleep anymore...

UPDATE: 
As of January 27th, 2017, the Doomsday Clock is 2 minutes and 30 seconds till midnight! 

 
Mood: Scared

~Me
 

Sunday, January 22, 2017

All Over The World... The Women's March 1/21/17


"A man you can bait with a tweet, 
is not a man you can trust with nuclear weapons."

~Hillary Clinton

Following is an unedited transcript of the tape in which Donald J. Trumprepeatedly made vulgar comments about women. Mr. Trump was filmed talking to the television personality Billy Bush of “Access Hollywood” on the set of “Days of Our Lives,” where Mr. Trump was making a cameo appearance. They are later joined by the actress Arianne Zucker. The transcription is by Penn Bullock of The New York Times.

January 21st, 2017 will be remembered as the day women all over the world stood up, and fought back, because...

Women's Rights Are Human Rights!

Donald J. Trump: You know and ...
Unknown: She used to be great. She’s still very beautiful.
Trump: I moved on her, actually. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it.
Unknown: Whoa.
Trump: I did try and fuck her. She was married.
Unknown: That’s huge news.
Trump: No, no, Nancy. No, this was [unintelligible] — and I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping.
She wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” I took her out furniture —
I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look.
Billy Bush: Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple.
Trump: Whoa! Whoa!
Bush: Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!
[Crosstalk]
Trump: Look at you, you are a pussy.
[Crosstalk]
Trump: All right, you and I will walk out.
[Silence]
Trump: Maybe it’s a different one.
Bush: It better not be the publicist. No, it’s, it’s her, it’s —
Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.
Bush: Whatever you want.
Trump: Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.
Bush: Uh, yeah, those legs, all I can see is the legs.
Trump: Oh, it looks good.
Bush: Come on shorty.
Trump: Ooh, nice legs, huh?
Bush: Oof, get out of the way, honey. Oh, that’s good legs. Go ahead.
Trump: It’s always good if you don’t fall out of the bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?
Bush: Down below, pull the handle.
Trump: Hello, how are you? Hi!
Arianne Zucker: Hi, Mr. Trump. How are you? Pleasure to meet you.
Trump: Nice seeing you. Terrific, terrific. You know Billy Bush?
Bush: Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne?
Zucker: Doing very well, thank you. Are you ready to be a soap star?
Trump: We’re ready, let’s go. Make me a soap star.
Bush: How about a little hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus.
Zucker: Would you like a little hug, darling?
Trump: O.K., absolutely. Melania said this was O.K.
Bush: How about a little hug for the Bushy? I just got off the bus.
Zucker: Bushy, Bushy.
Bush: Here we go. Excellent. Well, you’ve got a nice co-star here.
Zucker: Yes, absolutely.
Trump: Good. After you.
[Break in video]
Trump: Come on, Billy, don’t be shy.
Bush: Soon as a beautiful woman shows up, he just, he takes off. This always happens.
Trump: Get over here, Billy.
Zucker: I’m sorry, come here.
Bush: Let the little guy in here, come on.
Zucker: Yeah, let the little guy in. How you feel now? Better? I should actually be in the middle.
Bush: It’s hard to walk next to a guy like this.
Zucker: Here, wait, hold on.
Bush: Yeah, you get in the middle, there we go.
Trump: Good, that’s better.
Zucker: This is much better. This is —
Trump: That’s better.
Zucker: [Sighs]
Bush: Now, if you had to choose honestly between one of us. Me or the Donald?
Trump: I don’t know, that’s tough competition.
Zucker: That’s some pressure right there.
Bush: Seriously, if you had — if you had to take one of us as a date.
Zucker: I have to take the Fifth on that one.
Bush: Really?
Zucker: Yup — I’ll take both.
Trump: Which way?
Zucker: Make a right. Here we go. [inaudible]
Bush: Here he goes. I’m gonna leave you here.
Trump: O.K.
Bush: Give me my microphone.
Trump: O.K. Oh, you’re finished?
Bush: You’re my man, yeah.
Trump: Oh, good.
Bush: I’m gonna go do our show.
Zucker: Oh, you wanna reset? O.K.
    NO RESET FOR YOU MR. TRUMP!
 
 
Mood: Happy/Inspired/Encouraged

~Me :)