"Shit happens. Doesn't mean you have to step in it.
But if you do, I would buy a new pair of shoes."
Stuff happens in life. Sometimes stupid, meaningless stuff. Stuff there is no excuse for or understanding of. I don't think I will ever fully understand what all has gone on this year, so I am learning to live with it. Isn't that what they say to do? If you can't change a circumstance, try to change how you feel about it? Well, for me, it means simply learning to live with it. I am trying my best, but it's a matter of taking one step forward, and away from it, every day. I think I have moved passed the panic and frustration. I am moving past the depression a little more and more with each passing "normal" movement, like fixing a meal or making the bed. In other words moving on. The depression began to scare me a bit... well... a lot... but I think it was the depression that helped me come to terms with all of it. I experienced the full five stages of grief, which from what I have read, is a perfectly normal response under the circumstances. I am now in the acceptance stage, and while I have a blue day here and here, and I am still a little worried being able to swing the ability to own a home, I go to bed at night incredibly grateful for whatever time we end up spending here.
A year, two, maybe five years... it's all good. If we should find that we need to sell and go a different route I am okay with that also. But in the mean time, this new house has taken me in somehow. It has a wonderful nurturing vibe to it, in fact both Alan and I felt it from the first moment we saw the place. We looked through a lot of houses, and none of them made us both smile the way this one did! The house was meant to be ours, for however long it is meant to be, and it takes good care of us. I have been reluctant to feel love for the place, but it's wearing me down. I am pretty much in love, and I don't even know when I let the emotion in, but I did. Stockton, California has it's challenges, but it has been getting better in the last couple years. The neighborhood is Lakeview, and it sits in north Stockton. It is the third best neighborhood, the best neighborhood is about 2 blocks west of us. LOL. So it's in a stable, reasonably safe part of the city. Stockton is a big city, so yes there is crime, but it's all about knowing where you can go, and any given hour of the day, and being aware of your actions and surroundings.
We all have to do that anyway. After the terrible tragedy in San Bernadino last week, the point was driven home that one can't be too diligent. We can't live a normal life if we dwell on stuff, but being aware of your surroundings just makes sense. So, I am no longer "just making the best of it" I am settling in. We are making the house ours, and it feels good. Any place Alan and the boys are will be home for me. They fill the place with so much silliness and love that it would be impossible to not love the place. I think that's how we made it in the little Berkeley cottage for so long. It wasn't the cottage, it was the love inside. Alan and Elvis, and then Hendrix, Dylan and finally the little brother Joey.
Our house is a home, no matter where we are,
but I am kinda digging the new place!
Now, if I could just motivate myself to get the unpacking done!
December 6th 2015