That's Me... Over There

From For Ellipsis

"It's not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory."

-W. Edwards Deming

Forgive me, I am feel introspective today.

I am a silly girl... well... woman. LOL. I haven't been a "girl" for a while now... but anyway... I live for autumn, yet I resist change at all cost! LOL. It's so strange, autumn is all about change. It exists to teach us that change is not only inevitable, but something that shouldn't be feared or resisted because change brings renewed growth if you just have a little patience. I bubble with excitement each September as the leaves on the trees transition from shades of healthy green, to the earthy reds, yellows, deep purples and browns, yet I rarely allow myself to think too long about what it all really means. Change.

It seems that everything changes too fast. But then again, is there any other way to move on but one day, no, one minute at a time? Time. Something else I will never understand. One day I am petting Elvis and putting his little chef's hat on him as we write up the menu for Thanksgiving dinner, and the next I am missing him to the point I am sobbing... and he has already been gone over a year! I miss him. I miss his little habits. I miss his insisting that there should only be 4 plastic bottles per recycle bag. I miss his kisses first thing in the morning, and I miss his whiskers, which he would rub on my knees as I sat typing at the computer. That was change I could have done without, and yet I love my two little boys Dylan and Hendrix so deeply, I wonder how I ever lived without them. Does that make sense?

I have had other changes in my life recently, changes which are a little less profound. I am probably the last person on the Internet to finally get a Twitter account. LOL. Yes, I am now a TWIT. LOL. I don't know... I guess I shy away from new things on the net because I don't really want to be found by folks I would rather not know any more. Does that sound mean? It's not that I hold any bad feelings, it's just that why reopen doors that aren't good for you?

I signed up for Facebook earlier this year, and it's kind of fun, but again I tend to keep myself in a small space by not adding every single person who asks me to. I don't know why, I am just not comfortable with adding the whole universe to my list of "friends." I was pleasantly surprised to get some invitations from some of my buddies from the old AOL days. Hi again Vince, Robbie and Amy. :) You guys always make me smile. But when I went to hit the "find friends" feature one day, someones profile came up that I haven't spoken to in at least 3 years... and it was difficult.

It's not that we parted company on bad terms, we didn't, we just didn't part as friends. Sigh. Sometimes there is a strange sort of limbo in relationships, and yes, it gets to me sometimes. I had forgotten this person was even in my Internet address book, and then POP there they were. I could have sent an invitation to be a friend on Facebook but why? 3 years seems like a long time, too long methinks. After all, I did the best I could to deal with the change presented to me at the time, and did a really good job of adapting, so why go back? Still, it's November and I always think about Mr. November when the leaves change.

Enough said.

Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as Internet Claustrophobia? I really like keeping my Internet life small, and yet I LOVE getting comments and seeing that my "Followers" list is up to 41! LOL. It's not a lot of folks, but I am happy to see each one that's there. I even get excited when I see "anonymous" has been by. Hi Anonymous! LOL. I sometimes click on the "next blog" feature and visit new folks just to say hello, that's how I met Suzanne, and yet I shy away from really getting to know people. I have some really strong walls built, and I can't help but wonder... why? When you add it all up it doesn't really equal claustrophobia, but it does have name, I am just not sure what it is.

Is it because it's easier to be lonely in a crowd? Is it because I don't want to get close to too many people because ultimately change will happen? I still miss my friend Pam. She died too young. So did my friend Frank. They were there when I really needed a friend, and now they are gone. I think about both of them during the holidays, and I miss them, but I am glad I got the chance to be on the path with them, if only for a little while. Sometimes I wish I could get an IM from Frank just one more time, asking to borrow some peanut butter. LOL. That guy!

At least I can see the next really big change coming. In today's news I read about AOL cutting back it's entire workforce by 1/3. That's big! I wonder how much longer it will even be in business? I haven't been a paying AOL customer for over 6 months, but I still log into it every morning because I prefer the way it looks to my current ISP Comcast. AOL always did have a nice look about it, but looks just aren't enough, so I finally made the big move, years later then I should have, and yet I have kept my email account, and still use it as my main contact information. LOL. Sing it with my now...

You put your left foot in,
you pull your left foot out,
you put your left foot in and you shake it all about.
You do the hokey poky and you turn yourself around,
that's what it's all about.

LOL.

One day AOL will be gone too.

Stuff happens.

Change happens.

But for now...

I am over here and here and here... and I am doing fine.

AOL Offers Buyouts To 2,500 A Third Of It's Workforce.

-Carly

"The View From Mt Tamalpias"
Mt Tamalpais, Marin County, California