Ellipsis: This Autumn's Sorrow

Sunday, November 18, 2018

This Autumn's Sorrow

October 29th, 2018

Ione, California

Samsung

"The wind I hear it sighing, with autumn's saddest sound; withered leaves all thick and lying, as spring-flowers on the ground. This dark night has won me to wander far away; old feelings gather fast upon me."

~Emily Bronte

The Complete Poems Of Emily Bronte

Volume 1

Where to begin? I feel selfish for being so sad about my own feelings about not being able to enjoy autumn the way I want too. The air is still thick with smoke from the multiple fires raging in California. As the tragedy continues, the death toll has climbed to 77, and about 1,300 are missing, and that total has only climbed the last couple days, so I fear by tomorrow at this time, there is a strong likelihood it will go even higher, so what the actual HELL am I doing complaining?

Having to be indoors on an autumn day, has always broken my heart! Whether it be from illness, or work, or any reason actually, being inside, when every leaf outside is bursting with amazing, individual, joyous life of color, saddens me touches something deep down, and I've never known why. It simply does. It's like a creative knife to my inside. It hurts. I remember, when I was about four years old, throwing a shit fit the size of the moon, after my parents cut down a Maple tree in our front yard! They had to, it was messing with the underground pipes. It wasn't their choice, but with each sound of the branches hitting the ground, I kept a mental track of how often I would get them back for daring to cut down a tree!

I never sought revenge. But I was one mad four year old for a long time. I think until I turned about 40, when I planted a Japanese Maple tree in the backyard of my cottage in Berkeley. That made me feel better, but again, another tree and I had to part ways when we moved to Stockton. It's was okay, it was healthy and on it's way to a good long life, and the tree and I had a good long cry before I left. We parted friends.

But back to the fire.

The Paradise fire has been so destructive, it's left a wound in California that more than likely won't heal in my lifetime. The winds tomorrow could gust to as much as 35 mph! That is going to cause further devastation, and I am praying the firefighters will be able to get the upper hand before that happens. It seems as if the people of Paradise just can't catch a break. But again, I am putting some prayer in for them, and Trump has promised to get some federal disaster funding their way. And that's all I care to say about the horse's ass. Except... HE'S A HORSES ASS!

So, again, why do I have any reason to mope like a brat, when I have a home, and husband who loves me, and three little furballs who also love me, and keep me warm? Last night, Joey came in the theater room, and sat between Alan and I. It was so wonderful. We watched, Once Upon A Time In America! It was the first time either of us had seen it, and we enjoyed it immensely, but from time to time, as the smell of smoke made it's way into the house, I felt nothing but sadness. Sad for the people of Paradise, California, and sad for myself.

What the HELL do I have to feel sad about?

Why does autumn cause me to lose all reason?

Fire scares me. It has since I was 3 years old.

I did make it out last night for a little while, but the smoke drove me back in after only about 20 minutes or so.

Here are a few photos from my walk.