Monday, October 19, 2015

New House, New Rose

"I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved and where all your yester-years are buried deep, leave it any way except a slow way, 
leave it the fastest way you can. 
Never turn back and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud,
formidable from a distance."

~Beryl Markham
West With The Night

I am still holding onto the past. I always do that when a relationship comes to and end. Love relationships in particular, and I really loved my cottage in Berkeley. I really loved Berkeley, and the whole East Bay really. But my cottage was my safe place, and it meant a lot to me, especially in times when I really didn't feel very safe about things. But lets face it, that relationship is over now, and there is no hope of reviving it. Once you break up with property, there is usually no going back. 

I wish I could change. Not get so attached to things that don't breathe, or think on their own. But the simple truth is, I have been that way my whole life. I am not materialistic, but I tend to believe places and objects take on auras and their own kind of personas. I have formed the strangest attachments to objects over my life. Objects I mourn the loss of, as if they are living breathing people.

And that's how I feel about the cottage. It kept me safe for 14 years. It was my refuge. It was small, and at times crowded, and truth is had I not been pushed out of it, I would have probably died there. LOL. So instead I will die elsewhere, probably where I am now. A perfectly lovely home, with lots of room, and a fun little aura/personality that needs a little fixing here and there, but otherwise is a very nice place to call home. The problem is that it is so far away from all that is dear and familiar to me. All the things that I grew to love in the Bay Area, so I feel myself pushing the house away. Deliberately not wanting to fall in love with it the way I loved the cottage.

I know, I know... get used to it, because the change happened, so accept it and move on. Right. I will get right on that! LOL. There are things that I am sure will help me in that quest. One thing being the lovely roses that came with the property. While they aren't as many as I had planted in the rose garden I created at the cottage, they are lovely all the same. And one of the roses just happens to be a Blushing Apricot rose, which was one of my very favorite to grow. 

It is lovely, and has a beautiful form, not to mention a sweet/spicy scent that is absolutely captivating! I am going to enjoy nurturing this rose along, and planting a few more rose varieties next spring! The existing roses in the new garden are all in magnificent shape, so I will cinnamon the yard, and get things off to a happy start. It will just take some time. And I know time is the great healer. I am just sad right now, but as the house and I get acquainted, the sadness will pass. I know it will.
 The roses will help. So will the autumn.

Leaf Of The Day

October 19th 2015
Mood: Happy

~Me :)

1 comment:

sunflowerkat said...

I went through the heartbreak of leaving my home when we had to move from PA to NY and I did the exact thing you described...pushed the new home away and wouldn't allow myself to love it. I think it was a means of protecting myself from re experiencing the heartbreak. By the time we had to leave NY, I had embraced the place and though it was again painful to go, I'm glad I finally allowed myself to be happy there. Life is better when you let yourself grow where you're planted. Make it yours and the rest will come. 😊