Ellipsis: What A Way To Start A Day

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

What A Way To Start A Day

"Unhappiness comes when we feel helpless.

Hope comes the minute we decide we are not."

~Toni Soronson

The Great Brain Cleanse

It's here! The BIG. BAD. Dreaded DAY!

My colonoscopy is scheduled for 7:30 A.M.

I know lots of people have been through this, and I know the chance that I have cancer are slight, but I also know I have had some symptoms that can't be ignored. Hair loss... a lot of hair loss. I fainted a couple months ago. Changes to bowel movements, I won't go into details on that dear reader, you get the idea. I can't ignore what my body is telling me. Something isn't quite right. It might be something dumb, and not life changing, so the dreaded test is the way to go. I just wish it didn't involve a total stranger sticking something up my butt. I wish it didn't involve an IV stuck in my arm. And it wish it didn't involve... the BIG BAD of all BIG BADS...

CANCER!

I will do what I always do. I will write down what I think the whole thing will be like, and then afterward I will comeback here and write about what it was really like. It's a tool I learned when I was in a class for those who suffer from panic attacks. It's a great way to take the anxiety out of any stressful unknown issue. You can always look back through your journal and realize we humans tend to make things bigger in our imaginations, then they tend to actually be in life, and as I found out, my imagination loves to make something mildly scary or irritating, the worst thing ever!

So...

The IV will be the worst physical pain I have ever endured. The needle won't go in my vein, but when they finally get it to go in, it will break off in my arm.
The medicine that finally begins to flow through my body will kill me, but not before causing me to say something stupid like David Duchovny has the nicest butt since Jesus and I wish I could do a colonoscopy on him one day.
The world will end, as my bare naked butt shines to the world. It seems North Korea couldn't take one more moment of Donald Trump and decided to help us all out by nuking the us.
An earthquake, a 10.0, decides to hit just as the doctor is halfway up my butt. He decided to drop the scope, and runs. away. And there I am left on a cold table, with a colonoscope sticking halfway out my butt. And no one to remove it!
The light bulb on the colonoscopy burns out half way through, and we have to start all over.
The doctor detects a strange face that looks a little like Donald Trump scrolled on the side of my bowel wall. Kinda like a hieroglyphic.
The doctor ruptures my colon and I bleed out.
I fart
The doctor finds tumors too big to do a biopsy.
The doctor finds cancer.
My whole life changes forever.