"Nerves and butterflies are fine - they're a physical sign that you're mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that's the trick."
I have been experiencing some butterflies recently. The stress has been coming in waves. I don't know, a lot is going on for me I suppose, and I only have three more sessions with Sarah, before I officially retire from therapy. Sometimes when the stress gets bad, I wonder how long it will be before I go back to therapy, as opposed to standing on my own two feet, and apply what I have learned when times get rough. As bad as those moments of self-doubt can be, I know that I will be ok. I tell myself that I am not alone, and that everything I am experiencing, while new to me, isn't any different then what many others have gone through as well. Thank goodness those dark moments don't come around all that often. For the most part I have been visiting websites with information about diabetes, and learning for myself, at my own pace, what comes next.
Yesterday, I got a call from my doctor's office, telling me that she had ordered my new, OneTouch Ultra-2 starter kit, contains the meter, the test strips and the lancets. It was ready for pick-up at the Kaiser Pharmacy, so all I had to do was pick it up. Sigh. I had a full day planned, which is almost always so on Wednesdays, so I decided to pick it up on my way home from San Francisco. I needed my day in Golden Gate Park. It is my down time, after therapy. So, off I went to my appointment with Sarah, ready to face the fear of the day, learning to work my new glucose meter. I had some butterflies in my stomach most of the day, I know it won't be all that bad learning to work the meter, the fear I have is if I fail somehow. If my diabetes gets worse, even if I do the best I can to watch my intakes of sugars and carbohydrates. Sometimes, it has crossed my mind not to eat at all, because how can I go wrong that way? LOL. Yeah... I know... that would be pretty dumb. :)
So anyway, I planned out my dinner, which was take-out from Boston Market. Alan never asks me to cook on Wednesdays. :) I chose lean Turkey, Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potato Casserole, and some veggies. I looked up the nutrition guide on the Internet before I left the house, so I could pick up something that would fit within my dietary guidelines. Isn't it neat the age we live in? We have it so much easier now then ever before, for most things. That is another thing helping me feel better about my situation, the fact that I can do a little research, and plan what to eat before I leave the house. No worries that I am about to consume something that will be very, very, bad for me. LOL.
Everything was all set. I started my day, and put the fear of picking up the meter behind me, for most of the day. I had a few butterfly moments, a couple big ones, but like the above quote, I was reminded that I was alive, and aware of the new challenge. By the time I got to the pharmacy, I was all set to pick it up, and have a consultation with the pharmacist, where I assumed they would teach me how to use the kit. LOL. Nope. When I got to the consultation window, the pharmacist told me that I needed to bring the kit to my diabetes class, which is on August 15th. Silly me. I should have realized that is when I would be learning how to use the meter. Jeepers... I need to get a grip. LOL. It's strange being diagnosed with diabetes, everything seems like it has to change right this minute. All these changes have to occur right now... and yet... there is time to go slow, and learn your way. So that's what I am doing, going slow, and learning my way. Tonight, for the first time in a couple weeks, I feel like the butterflies are flying in formation.
-OndineMonet Cabbage White Butterfly Dahlia Garden Golden Gate Park San Francisco, California August 1st, 2007 Afternoon