Sunday, February 12, 2006

Vision Changes

"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil."

-James Allen

The drive to Lake Tahoe last week was stunning. I saw the clear, glistening water in the lake, the snow on the hillsides, so white with sparkling iridescence, and they sky was a shade of blue that I had never seen before. I even saw a few trees, with leaves that looked like they were left over from last autumn. Maybe that was just the color of the leaves for that particular tree no matter what the season is, but for a moment or so, I was back in autumn. For a moment, it was so clear that I swear I could taste warm, spice apple cider in my mouth. It was vivid, but it was only my perspective.

Do you suppose everything is equally specific to everyone? When I stop to take a photograph, it's because I see something specific in it. Something completely unique to me in the moment. Maybe that is why I tend to revisit the same places over and over, and then bring the images back here to my blog. I can see the Golden Gate Bridge, from Fort Point, a hundred times and yet I always feel little when I stand beneath it. The sky never looks the same, nor does the fog as it rolls under the gate. It's always like I am seeing it for the first time...everytime.

I am that way with people as well. I have shared with you about the first time I met the November man. How can 20 or so years can go by and he not look a minute different to me. I look into his blue/gold eyes and I am always hopelessly lost. Sometimes I think that if I could just sit and stare for an hour or so into those eyes, with no words being spoken between us, I would eventually see all there is to see. I don't think I would survive it. I wish I understood how he can have such an affect on me, and the minute I walk the other way, I forget what he looks like. Maybe it isn't poor eyesight on my part, maybe it is just my bad memory.

Memories fill us sometimes, don't they? Vision makes it all come together in color and depth. There are times, and places, and people I would love to forget, but not if it meant never seeing a visual phenomenon, such as an eclipse or the shade of a lovers eyes again. There was this day...forever ago...when I was moving to a new apartment. It was May and there was a warm late spring rain happening. I was moving some boxes to my car and he was helping me. The rain began to pour and I looked like a wet kitty cat. I asked him if he had a hair dryer, and he just stopped, looked at the top of my very unstylish hair, and slowly moved his eyes down to mine, where he just smiled and spoke not one single word. He just smiled, in a moment that lasted forever. In that moment...I was in that moment. How could it be? HE found me beautiful? Funny how sometimes the very best gifts we can get, cost nothing, aren't wrapped in pretty paper with bows, and don't ever have to be given back.

To the casual observer, I was a mess, to the November Man I looked beautiful. How different we all seem to see the same object or person. The beauty in a heart's smile, the ugly in a smug smile. Some go to the water and feel afraid of it's loud laughter, others like me want to join in and laugh with it. Some fear a big wave rushing onto the shore, I want to run out and meet it. It's a funny thing vision, it is all in what we choose to see. I wouldn't give up the bittersweet of knowing him, if it meant I had to give up looking into his eyes, then or now. What I would change I suppose, is that once I care about someone, I care about them for life. Just when I think every single empty room in my heart is full...along comes another thing to stretch my heart further, and that never leaves. Music, pets, art, foods, hobbies, books, life. Jeepers, I am such a schmuck! :)

"Looking Out The Window"
Placerville, California
February 8th, 2006


DesLily said...

this post sounds like your mind is in a really good place... gosh i'm envious!

Karen Funk Blocher said...

Nothing wrong with seeing, caring, being yourself. And it sounds to me as though your heart just keeps on growing, to accommodate all it has to hold. - K.