"You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent them from making a nest in your hair."-Chinese Proverb
As December 10th's go, yesterday wasn't the worst I have seen, in fact it was pretty much uneventful. Well, I mean nothing really unusual happened. Do you suppose that could be the curse in and of itself? Sigh. I am not in the best of moods as I type this entry. No, I am frustrated. Frustrated with myself, frustrated with AOL. Frustrated with learning the newly installed MSN which is now on my computer and will probably be our new ISP after I finish archiving Ellipsis. And oh yeah...I am frustrated with archiving Ellipsis. More then anything else, I am frustrated with the new diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.
I slept 8 full hours last night/morning, and woke up exhausted. I am not reaching that all important 4th stage of sleep. I try so hard to take care of myself, follow the doctor's instructions, but my joints are all swollen, my body aches so bad, my head hurts, I am hungry but don't have enough energy to fix meals for myself at times, so I just lie in bed or sit in a chair and let Elvis cuddle me to keep me warm. I am too young for this, too young to get as tired as I do. I went to Office Depot today, the first time I have driven alone in 3 weeks, and by the time I got home and had a salad, I couldn't take one more step. I was honestly too tired to lift the fork.
I feel bad even complaining, especially in light of the how brave so many in the land have been, while facing truly life threatening illnesses. I don't have a life threatening condition...but it certainly is life altering. I wanted to go and photograph something very special tonight...the Sausalito Lighted Yacht Parade. Tonight was the 17th year that the parade has taken place, and I couldn't go. Alan and I were going to leave when he came home from work, grab a quick bite and then head for Marin County. Nope.
Sigh. It frightens me that I was too tired to have gone. My camera is part of what helped me recover from Anhedonia. My camera is what helped me through the death of both of my parents. My camera is what has seen me through most of the painful moments in my life, and now...it is becoming difficult to plan on the wonderful day trips I pushed myself to take this year. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have taken the first doctor's diagnosis as the absolutely only one available. I wouldn't have pushed myself to keep moving, because I thought it was Epstein-Barr and that is what you do with that condition, as opposed to Fibromyalgia, where that is the very worst thing you could do.
I don't know if I have the energy to learn MSN. I don't know if I have the energy to finish archiving Ellipsis. I know I can't judge everyday of the future as being like the last 24 hours. I refuse to feel sorry for myself, but at the same time...I do feel frustrated. I am going to shake things up a bit for myself today, I am going to sign off and make some Christmas cards to send out. I want to enjoy the holiday this year, it's very special to me this year. As frustrated and sad as I feel tonight, I am very aware of all the blessings I have been given this year. For one thing, I now have the proper diagnosis. :) Right?
-OndineMonet
"Marin County Autumn Sunset"
Marin Headlands
November, 2005
Early Evening
The small light in the center of the photo is the Point Bonita Lighthouse which sits on the cliffs of the Marin Headlands. To see the image larger, click on it and you will be redirected.
