Restlessness

"Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different."

-Bill Watterson

Sometimes I simply have too much on my mind to blog. I sit down to the computer, and I think about what I want to say, and I realize there isn't one reason in the world why you should care about the things I care about. How I feel about the war in Iraq. How lame I think the new House and Senate seems to be. Why should you care if I am worried to death about Elvis's health? Do you care that I counted 16 gray hairs on my newly dyed head? What do you really think about my Monday Photo Shoot entries, or my Weekend Assignment efforts? I am not really sure how many folks actually read the posts I put so much time into, although one person did take the time to tell me, in a comment, that my problems where petty this past week. Sorry if my little life isn't quite dramatic enough for you, "Anonymous" next time I will try to break a hip or something.

My writing isn't as good as my photos. I am not lost to that fact, but I think my photography has gotten better since I began blogging in 2003. This year has been a gigantic pain in my ass, as I have seen people come and go in my life, right and left, and I miss them more then I wish I did, but do you want to come by Ellipsis, just to read me whine about it? It's a valid question, because my numbers seem to drop when I write about what goes right in my life as opposed to the craptasticness that has been sitting on my shoulder. Weird. What holds your interest when you read a blog? Is it the positive or the negative?

This coming August 23rd will be my 4th anniversary as a blogger. That is a long time for me. I really wasn't sure that I would last that long, but with every day, came the desire to share some part of me. Good and bad. I think if I laid it all out, I know that I have a pretty good life, and I like sharing it. Do I have problems? Yeah, you bet! It doesn't have to be a part of Ellipsis. My blog is meant as a place to share ideas, and creativity. Sometimes my view gets a little dark, but most of the time it is about life. My life. When I first started blogging, I had no idea if anyone would ever see my photos, or read the quotes I looked up, but slowly, folks did come by. It felt good to have the feedback, not just because it was usually someone either agreeing with my opinions, or enjoying one of my photos, but it was the human contact. I am happy to say, I have rarely deleted a comment, either here on Blogger, or in the days of AOL Journals. I think between the two places, I have deleted a total of 5 comments. That's a good feeling.

I don't know. I guess I am wondering if maybe I might consider retiring as a blogger. Ellipsis was a bigger success than I have ever really planned for, but something in me is restless. Maybe I just need to get to the fall, when I always feel refreshed and renewed. Maybe there are people, places and things you just never get over, no matter how hard you try. I wish I knew. It's like there is this vague message being sent to me, from some far off place, telling me there is something I need to do, or experience. There is something waiting for me... but somehow... it doesn't feel like I can quite get there from here. Where I am now. Something needs to be different. You know? Am I wasting time here? Am I just filling empty time here?

I found out the other day that I am not getting DSL after all. It seems that even Earthlink, considers me a girl from the wrong side of the street. The lines they need in order to make DSL work are not on the side where I live. Sigh. Now I can get Comcast cable Broadband, but I don't want to. Nope. I swore that when I threw my cable box out the window, I would never do business with them again. And I won't. But there lies the trade off. Either I can go to what is currently available, or I sit, and wait, and hope DSL is eventually made available to me. Sigh. But do you really care? And is it petty to consider it one of my problems?

It's my opinion that we shouldn't try to play that game. We all own our problems, large or small. When will folks realize that we can't compare problems or accomplishments. My life is just that, my life. I shouldn't have to apologize for what's going right in it, or feel bad because my troubles don't fall to a certain level of drama or tragedy. But does sharing either make for good blogging? Would you rather read about the positives in a person's life or would you rather read about the same patterns of grief and displacement?

Personally, I read a what I think is a nice variety of blogs, some that make me laugh, some that make me feel less alone, and some that just show me the beauty in life. But I don't know. I just don't know what I have to offer. I guess while I continue to figure it all out, I will just keep doing what I am doing and see if everything doesn't begin to make sense again. I have given up on May, but June is just around the corner. Maybe then, maybe then. Right now everything just kinda reminds me of that old Barry Manilow song, "Ready To Take A Chance Again."

You remind me, I live in a shell,
safe from the past, and doing ok, but not very well
No jolts no surprises, crisis arises, my life goes along as it should
It's all very nice, but not very good.


Why does everything... everything... have to be a trade off?


-OndineMonet
"Weird"
Conservatory of Flowers
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
February 14th, 2007
Afternoon