Saturday, May 19, 2007

Restlessness

"Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon, everything is different."

-Bill Watterson

Sometimes I simply have too much on my mind to blog. I sit down to the computer, and I think about what I want to say, and I realize there isn't one reason in the world why you should care about the things I care about. How I feel about the war in Iraq. How lame I think the new House and Senate seems to be. Why should you care if I am worried to death about Elvis's health? Do you care that I counted 16 gray hairs on my newly dyed head? What do you really think about my Monday Photo Shoot entries, or my Weekend Assignment efforts? I am not really sure how many folks actually read the posts I put so much time into, although one person did take the time to tell me, in a comment, that my problems where petty this past week. Sorry if my little life isn't quite dramatic enough for you, "Anonymous" next time I will try to break a hip or something.

My writing isn't as good as my photos. I am not lost to that fact, but I think my photography has gotten better since I began blogging in 2003. This year has been a gigantic pain in my ass, as I have seen people come and go in my life, right and left, and I miss them more then I wish I did, but do you want to come by Ellipsis, just to read me whine about it? It's a valid question, because my numbers seem to drop when I write about what goes right in my life as opposed to the craptasticness that has been sitting on my shoulder. Weird. What holds your interest when you read a blog? Is it the positive or the negative?

This coming August 23rd will be my 4th anniversary as a blogger. That is a long time for me. I really wasn't sure that I would last that long, but with every day, came the desire to share some part of me. Good and bad. I think if I laid it all out, I know that I have a pretty good life, and I like sharing it. Do I have problems? Yeah, you bet! It doesn't have to be a part of Ellipsis. My blog is meant as a place to share ideas, and creativity. Sometimes my view gets a little dark, but most of the time it is about life. My life. When I first started blogging, I had no idea if anyone would ever see my photos, or read the quotes I looked up, but slowly, folks did come by. It felt good to have the feedback, not just because it was usually someone either agreeing with my opinions, or enjoying one of my photos, but it was the human contact. I am happy to say, I have rarely deleted a comment, either here on Blogger, or in the days of AOL Journals. I think between the two places, I have deleted a total of 5 comments. That's a good feeling.

I don't know. I guess I am wondering if maybe I might consider retiring as a blogger. Ellipsis was a bigger success than I have ever really planned for, but something in me is restless. Maybe I just need to get to the fall, when I always feel refreshed and renewed. Maybe there are people, places and things you just never get over, no matter how hard you try. I wish I knew. It's like there is this vague message being sent to me, from some far off place, telling me there is something I need to do, or experience. There is something waiting for me... but somehow... it doesn't feel like I can quite get there from here. Where I am now. Something needs to be different. You know? Am I wasting time here? Am I just filling empty time here?

I found out the other day that I am not getting DSL after all. It seems that even Earthlink, considers me a girl from the wrong side of the street. The lines they need in order to make DSL work are not on the side where I live. Sigh. Now I can get Comcast cable Broadband, but I don't want to. Nope. I swore that when I threw my cable box out the window, I would never do business with them again. And I won't. But there lies the trade off. Either I can go to what is currently available, or I sit, and wait, and hope DSL is eventually made available to me. Sigh. But do you really care? And is it petty to consider it one of my problems?

It's my opinion that we shouldn't try to play that game. We all own our problems, large or small. When will folks realize that we can't compare problems or accomplishments. My life is just that, my life. I shouldn't have to apologize for what's going right in it, or feel bad because my troubles don't fall to a certain level of drama or tragedy. But does sharing either make for good blogging? Would you rather read about the positives in a person's life or would you rather read about the same patterns of grief and displacement?

Personally, I read a what I think is a nice variety of blogs, some that make me laugh, some that make me feel less alone, and some that just show me the beauty in life. But I don't know. I just don't know what I have to offer. I guess while I continue to figure it all out, I will just keep doing what I am doing and see if everything doesn't begin to make sense again. I have given up on May, but June is just around the corner. Maybe then, maybe then. Right now everything just kinda reminds me of that old Barry Manilow song, "Ready To Take A Chance Again."

You remind me, I live in a shell,
safe from the past, and doing ok, but not very well
No jolts no surprises, crisis arises, my life goes along as it should
It's all very nice, but not very good.


Why does everything... everything... have to be a trade off?


-OndineMonet
"Weird"
Conservatory of Flowers
Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
February 14th, 2007
Afternoon

10 comments:

Robbie said...

I like a wide variety of blogs. It's rare that I read everything that a person writes any more though because I just don't have the time.

I think your motivation for blogging should come from within and if it isn't there you should search for it where ever it is and not worry if it doesn't exist in blogging anymore.

Four years!! Wow! That means I am too. Who would have thought!

Suzanne R said...

I enjoy your blog very much, Carly, and it makes me angry that someone critized you in the way you describe (I couldn't find the comment -- you may have deleted it). I admire you and you are an inspiration to me in the way you handle your various health challenges. I think you should blog what makes you happy. I have always felt the sincerity in what you write and I'm truly glad that I met you online and became your friend.

Southernmush said...

Hi Carly,

I came by your blog and I had to comment. I was reading your entry and I totally agreed with you. Sometimes I think that there isn't one reason in the world why people should care about the things I care about. Why should people even care about my life. I do take the time to read your posts. I don't think your problems are ever petty. People should definitely come by and read your blog I do. Your writing always holds my interests. Everything you write about keeps me coming back for more. I have a journal in which I share details about my life. I sincerly hope that you DON'T retire as a blogger I would certainly miss you and your blog.

I don't think you are wasting time. You never have to apologize for anything you feel or write its the truth and I feel the same way about do about things. Know that you have me as a reader. Please do stick around for this reader please please please !!!!!!!!!!!

Steven said...

Wasting your time? Well you are not wasting my time :-) I sometimes feel like I get a low return from my blog as well. No easy answers to how I keep going though. I just do.

I care about your cat, I care about your photos and what ya write about. I don't mention my gray hairs but I've got them. I had my hopes up when you told me about getting DSL. High speed web access makes things so much easier and opens up ten times more distractions online. It'll happen for you.

Four years is a long time and it's also a long road traveled too. There will be bumps :-)

DesLily said...

I had to think on this before commenting. I didn't just want to say "don't leave"..but.. don't leave! lol.

I read a number of blogs that used to post every day, but have gone down to once or twice a week.. still, they are good blogs and I still read them..you may consider that if you really think of leaving.

Hell Carly LOL.. my reader count can't get much lower! hahaha.. but do it for me more then anyone else.. so it really doesn't matter if 2 people read or 20.. or none. But you do what you feel best for you is... and that's the way it should be.

Suzanne R said...

Hi, Carly --

I wanted to comment on the newest post but your comments function isn't enabled on it. I did recognize some of the items on your grocery list in French -- I didn't know you spoke French! -- but not because I remember it from my few years of taking it in high school and college. I was more able to tell by the words that didn't translate too far out of English! LOL!

I am also writing to let you know I have tagged you for a meme, if you are interested. If so, my blog gives the details. It's mainly about cats. BTW, I didn't know that Elvis was diabetic. He sounds like he is being very good about taking his insulin. He will be in my thoughts and prayers. (Yep, I pray about animals.)

Wil said...

Carly,
As a diabetic, I have a little insight into the whole receiving of injections thing, as I shoot myself up as many as five times a day. Sometimes it is absolutely painless. Other times, I have a needle not as sharp as some, or I banged it on the metal rim of the insulin vial, bending a little spur on the end of the needle, and sometimes I land smack dab on a nerve -- those hurt - alot. It's the luck of the draw, so tell Alan it wasn't anything personal, Elvis was just hissing with the displeasure at the pain. And then there's stuff that actually stings when it goes in...

Nancy said...

Oh Carly...not you too. There are too many bloggers leaving who I really like...I'd hate to see you go. Your blogging is NOT a waste to me...I enjoy it a lot.
I've thought of leaving too...till I realized I'd miss it a whole lot more than any of my "readers" would. So I'll do it for me.
I hope you figure out what you need to do...just stay in touch no matter what.

Love,
Nancy

Anonymous said...

Hi Carly, I don't visit each day, but when I do visit I always am just enthralled by your writing. I sincerely hope you do not retire as a blogger. I've learned from you and enjoyed you for the short time I've known you.
Please don't go!
Pamela

Karen Funk Blocher said...

Your writing is always worth reading, whatever your mood, whatever is going on. It's always interesting, and always amazingly illustrated. It's true I only stop by every two weeks, but that's a function of the fact that it takes an hour to load (actually it never, ever finishes loading), so I save up your entries and read them all at once. Don't lose heart!