Sunday, March 18, 2007

John Scalzi's Weekend Assignment #156: Your Favorite Weekend Assignment Entry

"Making the simple complicated is commonplace, making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, now that's creativity."

-Charles Mingus

Weekend Assignment #156: Repost your favorite Weekend Assignment from the past three years. Or, if you can't choose, post the first Weekend Assignment you ever participated in.

Extra Credit: Should we keep doing the Weekend Assignments? Or after three years, should we give it a rest? Let me know, I'm curious.

-John Scalzi (By The Way)

Wow! Decisions, decisions. Well, actually when I thought about which Weekend Assignment might have been my favorite, it turns out that it was mostly the humorous entries I wrote, that came to mind first. It makes me happy to share my weird sense of humor, and hopefully I can bring a smile or two to your day. While my humor isn't for everyone, I got a few (11) comments when I originally posted the following entry on the AOL version of Ellipsis, in December of 2004. I hope it brings you a grin or two.

Extra Credit: Please don't stop giving us the Weekend Assignments John, I have enjoyed them so much, and learned a lot along the way! Thank you for them and the Monday Photo Shoots as well!

Warning: The following entry is rated PG-13!

Originally posted on December 10, 2004
"Nothing is as mean, as giving a child something useful for Christmas."

-Kin Hubbard

For this Weekend Assignment, we're going to get creative. After all, if someone could make Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, certainly we can do better.

Weekend Assignment #38: It's the Holidays! Create your own festive Holiday Character and give him, her or it, at least one seasonally appropriate magical ability (or use it's native traits and skills to save the holiday season.

Extra Credit: Provide at least one stanza of your Holiday Character's theme song (to help you out, you may borrow the music of any familiar song).

-John Scalzi (By The Way )

Josie The Undercover Quake Whore Saves Christmas

By Carly Gordon

When Josie Duckinspicter, of the Santaville Duckinspicters, wasn't working undercover as a Quack Whore to keep the mean streets of Santaville a safe place to waddle in, she gave her all for Sitting Duck Platoon of the 101st Airborne Mallard Brigade, stationed at Ice Station Platypus, located just outside of the Last Chance section of Santaville. By day, Josie serves Santa's Air Brigade hot gourmet dinners all through the holiday season. Minnows in a Tangy Octopus Flambe, which is Josie's speciality. She works hard each day squeezing fresh octopus to give the dish it's unique flavor. "One must squeeze hard to get the right amount of juice, for the minnows to flame properly." Josie instructs. She has been known to squeeze 30 octopus a day, and she never complains.

One year, Santa wasn't feeling one-hundred percent, so Josie came through for the jolly old man, by preparing him a magical, homemade herbal remedy of "Mock Chicken Soup." Actually it's octopus in it's own juice, with some eucalyptus and lemon oil. Recipe to follow. In no time, Santa was feeling in the pink again, and he declared Josie to be an important part of the holiday season. He spread the word from land to land, "Josie, the Undercover Quack Whore, You'll Go Down In History!" Ho, Ho, Ho!

Mock Chicken Soup
By Josie

2 whole, recently deceased octopus (suction cups in tact)
10 cups vegetable broth
3 cups long grained wild rice
2 stalks celery
17 tbs. lemon oil
41 tsp. eucalyptus oil
11 different herbs and spices

Note: If octopus is unavailable, substitute squid squeezings (smooth, not chunky)

1. Bring to boil, broth, celery, and the 11 different herbs and spices, and simmer for 45 minutes.

2. Hollow out the head of the two freshly deceased octopus, reserving the eyes and beak for garnish.

3. Boil the octopus in a heavy sauce pan, until suction cups are tender and rubbery to the touch.

4. carefully remove the octopus to a decorative platter, and garnish it alternating eyes and beaks in a circular pattern around the platter.

5. carefully pour the broth mixture into the hollowed out cranium of the octopus and serve immediately with crackers and cheese.

Serves 6

Extra Credit: "Josie The Quack Whore" to the tune of, "Frosty The Snowman."
As sung by, Leonard Nimoy

Josie the Quack Whore was working Christmas Eve
To make the streets of Santaville a safer place to be
Josie would work hard on special recipes
Taking her job just as serious, as serious could be...

Note: The song now fades into the tune of "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" for the medley effect...

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
"Josie my throat is sore and OH my aching head."
Josie the Quack Whore knew exactly what to do
She made some magic with a stewing hen and knocked
Santa's cold right out, and ended Santa's Flu.

The End.



Robbie said...

Well, I don't recall if I comment the first go-round but I found "Josie the Quack Whore" hilarious this time. Your sense of humor quacks me up!

Steven said...

You are a riot. Quack Whore is a sketch.