Monday, January 29, 2007

Curious Carly Asks: Do You Believe In Soul Mates?

"Dreams are the illustrations in the book your soul is writing about you."


Ok, I will just jump in with this... Do you believe in Soul Mates? All my life, I have been intrigued by the thought of a Soul Mate, but I don't think I really understood what the truest concept of it was. Is a Soul Mate your perfect other half? Is it the one person God meant for you to find? Is it a romantic notion? Is it an element of reincarnation? Like the movie, "Somewhere in Time," can you know someone, and love them, in another time and place, and still find them even after death? Is love so powerful, that no matter what route we take, we will find out Soul Mate? I can't help but think about the words to the song, "It Might Be You." "If I found the place, would I recognize the face?" Have you ever looked into a total strangers eyes, and have the feeling you had somehow met before, even though you know you hadn't? Did you know that the term "Soul Mate" can be applied to friends, and companions, not just romantic connections?

Alan and I have been married for 16 1/2 years. We don't finish each others sentences, when I met him, I didn't get the sensation that I had met him before, in fact, other than his fabulous knees, I didn't even like him all that much. He was a republican, and I was a democrat. I loved rock music, he listened to county. I have a sweet tooth that goes straight to my soul, he really like salty snacks. You would think that he and I would have nothing in common, yet over the years, we have grown together, as we each allowed the other to grow separately. We managed to grow as a couple. We have faced some serious blows to our health, our finances, and our relationship. At one time, more than one person was pulling for us to get a divorce. Jealous friends, and unhappy relatives. Yet despite all these things, we are still together, still happy with one another, and still growing old together, although I have to say, I swear he looks the same as the first day I met him!

So, are he and I Soul Mates? Or are we just very well suited for each other? I don't really know that it matters. I love Alan, and I can't imagine not being with him, even if what could be called a Soul Mate did come along. I do know that there can be more than one person for someone. Every once in a while I write a little about "Mr. November." He was someone I first met years ago, just in passing one day. I had never before, and never have I since, met someone with more light in their eyes. I was instantly struck dumb. So dumb, that when we parted, I couldn't remember what he looked like. I could picture a nose, a jaw, those eyes, but I couldn't seem to put them together into one picture of him in my mind. Do you have any idea how stupid that felt? And this went on for years. As I sit here right now, I can't put it all together, unless I look at his picture...hang on...let me look...oh yeah...that's him!

It all seemed completely unreasonable, and to be truthful, I kinda resented the fact that someone could make me feel this way. Like I didn't have any control, even over my own memories. I am pretty sure, it was love at first sight, but I couldn't get past the off the charts attraction that made me go so completely stupid. It was too much. It was invasive. I could have never married someone like that, so that was that. He is my friend. He will always be my friend. He helped me a lot, and was a good friend to me when I really needed one. I don't think much about how I once felt about him, he is no longer in my life, but I do muse from time to time about how extraordinary it was to be able to experience love at first sight. A part of me will always love Mr November, and Alan knows that. He knew before he married me that a part of me still loved most of my ex-boyfriends to some degree. When at all possible, I always preferred to part friends. You Know? So of course there were things about them I still cared about.

Alan and I have a good, strong relationship, that still allow both of us room to grow as people, and grow individually. We continue to learn new things about each other, and we share the same goals for the future. We got here through love, respect, work, and of course, intimacy. Sounds like a Soul Mate to me. Right? Well, through my research, I found a couple really good websites that tackled this subject, and what I determined was that someone can indeed be in love with more then one person at the same time, and we can have more then one soul mate at the same time, but we have to determine who the right people are for us individually. Greed can't be a part of it. Affairs don't work, just watch those cautionary tales like "Fatal Attraction." LOL. Laugh if you like, but there was some real truth to that. Sheesh... who in their right mind would want to end up in a bad Lifetime movie scenario?

Sometimes, I think if I could change one thing about myself, I would change my heart. I would adopt one that didn't hang onto people, and places and things so tightly. Sarah, my therapist, uses the metaphor of my heart being like a big tall building, which just happens to have a lot of space available for people, places and things. Lots of different experiences, and memories. Passion. It makes sense to me, and I guess it's a good thing, when people tell me that they can be gone away from me for years, and when we reunite, they feel so comfortable with me it was like we were never apart. The thing is, once someone is in my heart, they are there forever. People, places, things...they are always there no matter how bad it hurts. Sigh. I don't know that I understand love, or why it can kick our ass so hard, or be the most wonderful feeling on earth. How it can be so warm, or so cold depending where you stand.

Recently, I ran into a man who had been in love with my mother for over 60 years. He was her insurance man, and one day, he realized it was love with her he told me, but he never acted on it out of respect for her marriage, and his own, but he never forgot her. He hadn't meant to fall in love... but he did. Funny thing he said... "I never loved my wife any less." Love is such a mystery to me, but what a great mystery. I kinda hope I never figure it out. :)

Your turn... come on... don't be shy. Participate in this one. I would really enjoy hearing your thoughts on this... share, share, share. With Valentines Day coming up, it would be good to get a nice dialog going. Come on... tell me what you think!

Soul Mate Resources

Soul Mates
Soul Mates - Wikipedia

Golden Gate Park
San Francisco, California
Summer, 2006


GLendaRs said...

I do believe in soul mates, eros and agape. I have fallen in love at first sight and loved that man until he made that no longer an option. I gave up too much of myself to him and at the same time not enough - he was my version of your "Mr. November". He will always have a place in my heart, but no longer has the power to destroy me. I will admit that I did allow him to do just that.

I can relate very much to all that you've said in this post. I too get very attached to people and once they're in there, there's no getting them out. Even the ones who don't deserve my loyalty get a place, sometimes I enjoy the memories of the gift of them that was mine. I trust that most people are similar, to some degree.

A man I worked with once shared with me, that people can make you think they're not still nursing feelings for you once they appear to have moved on, but when they lay down in bed at night the thoughts come ...

Love doesn't make much sense. I swore I would NEVER NEVER NEVER love a married man, but that was why we should never say never. I have - do. And like your mother's secret admirer, the respect for the other persons marriage won.

In many ways that man was a soul mate ... and it has torn at me, the temptation!!

I am currently contemplating whether to marry a lifelong friend who is a some respects a soulmate. As it was put to me, what kind of a marriage do I want. He would bring gentleness with him, he wants to provide for me. I've never known anyone who wanted to do that before. The passion has ample opportunity to blossom. I have tended to chase the passion, which has never failed to burn hot and never failed to burn!

Anonymous said...

hi, my name is joe. the first time i heard anne's voice i fell in love with her and i am in love and love her. i can only speak for myself regarding my feelings about her and us but i have never been more sure about anything in my life - and that is my love for her. we started off as friends, became bf and gf, then lovers, then soulmates, then kindred spirits. i hope to marry and live with anne and i am just respecting her request for time and space. she will let me know - i have learned how to be patient - i would wait forever because i will not see anyone else - she is the ONE.

Charley said...

So how do you want me to participate in this post? I have many answers, each a part of who I am, none of them right, I think.

Carly said...

Hi everyone :)

Please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Also, if I have inspired you to do so, write an entry of your own on this subject, come back here and leave me a link in this comment thread. I will link back to you. I just thought it would be good to talk about this subject. :)


Anonymous said...

Hi Carly, I haven't been by in awhile and what an entry to come back to. Soul Mates. Yep. I believe in them. I thought I found mine once. I still think he was. He's not in my life.
Interesting subject you've tackled.
Great to be by to visit you again.

Suzanne R said...

Hmmm, do I believe in Soul Mates? I can't say that I've found mine in life. A counselor said that my husband and I were so different and mismatched that it was like an arranged marriage. I think we surprised the counselor by staying together, though. I have been crazy in love but with the wrong men. Maybe the right guy is still out there but he hasn't shown up yet. As I'm going on 59, I hope he does soon, if he's going to, but then on the other hand, I think maybe I've become too old and set in my ways to be in another marriage. I'm sorry for sounding too very cynical but maybe some people aren't meant to have a true love or Soul Mate.

Karen Funk Blocher said...

Oh, I don't know, Carly; I just know it doesn't match my experience. John wasn't the first guy I was interested in at Clarion, and we certainly have our incompatibilities along with our points in common. I don't know that I was fated to love him - I just know that I'm darn lucky I saw that little clipping on the professor's door that day in 1977. Maybe without John in my life I would have met someone else instead. I don't know. What I do know is that there hasn't been anyone else in the running for my heart, lo these thirty years come July.