John Scalzi's Weekend Assignment # 131: You Little Devil

"The best way to behave is to misbehave."

-Mae West

Weekend Assignment # 131: We've all got a little bit of a devil inside. Share a (small) moment in your past where you did something less than entirely ethical. I'm not thinking of moments that could, you know, have you tracked down by the police because the statute of limitations is about to expire. Those big transgressions against the law and morality you should probably not reveal here. We're talking about a little bit bad here.

Extra Credit: Devil's food cake vs. Angel's food cake: Which one do you prefer?

-John Scalzi (By The Way)

Oh my, so I have to share my less then ethical side huh? Well, I have to confess, I used to be a real stinker, and I have a weird sense of humor that has driven more then one friend and or lover away, lol, but there are a couple of examples that I am willing to share I suppose. One is a tale on a nose gone bad, and the other is about a movie, and why reading the reviews before seeing it, is a good idea. Let's begin with the nose job...

The Nose Job...

It was a bright spring morning, in 1983, I was working as a proofreader (can you believe it, I used to know how to spell) for an advertising agency in Oakland, California. The department I worked in wasn't big comparatively to the rest of the office, but it did have it's scandals all the same. We had a secretary to one of the VP's who worked in our area, and she was a mean, troll of a little woman. She would give up her lunch hours, in order to spy on the employees. She would sometimes even take photos of folks she caught outside the company in dating situations, just so she could have the joy of seeing them fired. Also, she had a ledger, in which she recorded the times the employees left for lunch and when they returned. It wasn't her job to do so mind you, she simply enjoyed having something to hold over one's head in case she needed a favor. I was never in her cross hairs, because I usually ate at my desk, but I saw a lot of good people get into trouble, all at her doing. She really knew how to stretch the truth.

One day, she came to work with a terrible allergy attack. She snorted, sneezed, coughed, moaned, groaned, snorted again, and generally complained for 6 straight hours. I never minded the noises those afflicted with allergies sometimes have to make, heck, if it's autumn, you will probably hear me making nosey noises as well. It happens. The thing that set me off on the day, all those years ago, was the fact that she must have asked me four or five times throughout the day, what could be done for her malady. I suggested, in good faith, everything I could think of. Hot & Sour soup, Benedryl, a visit to an ear, nose and throat doctor, but nothing was good enough, she had a reason to not do any of the suggestions she asked me for.

Finally, I had enough. She asked me one more time, and that was the breaking point. I slowly looked up at her, and suggested one more thing. "Selma, there is one thing that I hear works quite well for the clearing of a brain, I mean head, it's kind of extreme however, want to know what it is?" I asked. "Yes, Carly...please tell me," said she. "Selma, you simply need to clear the pipes between your nose and your ears, so stick two fingers up each nostril and blow really hard twice. " LOL. Now I ask you, how was I supposed to know she would do it? LOL. She nearly blew her brains out, right there on my desk. Selma came to a few minutes later, and while she was completely pissed at me, she never asked me again about how to cure the sniffles. And somehow, my place in her special ledger disappeared, or so I was told. Tee Hee.

Disclaimer: No actual secretaries were harmed... too much. :)


Free Johnny Dangerously...

I used to have a friend, Jaycee, who would enjoy fighting the good fight... as she saw it. One day, she and I and a few other friends got together to play some board games, and share each other's company. Jaycee was a nice enough girl, but she would get her facts and impressions about things really confused, and God help the person who tried to set her straight.

On one particularly confused day, the subject of incarceration came up, and a recent report about prison conditions in the United States. Well, she became absolutely livid. "America has the best prison system of anywhere on the planet, those lazy inmates just want to complain about everything, take that Johnny Dangerously, for example." Now see, it was 1984, and the film Johnny Dangerously had just been released, and all around were these silly, oversized billboards that read, "Join the campaign to FREE JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY from prison." The billboards made it look as if a guy in jail, was somehow trying to beat the rap. I knew it was a movie, and I also knew that it was a big ad push to get folks to see one of the first ever PG-13 movies. It was a gimmick, but Jaycee wouldn't believe me, and I am afraid I fed into her rage a bit. I admit, I stirred the pot, but I had tried in good faith to let her know what it was about, and she disregarded me as a liberal. LOL. About five minutes into her rage, I handed her a magazine with a proper ad for the movie. It was one of those Emily Latilla moments from "Saturday Night Live." I could almost hear Gilda Radner saying, "Never Mind."

Wasn't I just Evil? LOL

Extra Credit: Devil's food cake... oh yes...Devil's food.

-OndineMonet
"Evil Me"
Summer, 2006