"Clothes Never Shut Up"
-Susan Brownmiller, "Femininity," 1984
I thought it might be fun to tap into the old days of Ellipsis, and bring a little humor back to things. :) I hope you don't mind a repeat, but anyway, for some of my newer readers, this isn't a repeat! LOL. It is however, a true tale. So watch out, because this could happen to you! :)
Ellipsis Flashback: "When Clothes Betray," or, "Ho Couture" 8/4/04
Why do disasters of a highly personal nature, ALWAYS occur when we are standing in line at the grocery store?You know the ones. Somehow a hair, in an inconvenient place will go awry, or maybe your choice of apparel will decide to betray you. It happens. Buttons pop off, zippers somehow unzip themselves, shoe heals suddenly trip you, sending you flying into some, previously unknown person, who is almost always gorgeous beyond belief. Then, instead of being able to utter a simply, "excuse me," it comes out sounding more like, "themminany, forraay." Thank God that has NEVER happened to me. LOL. Nope, not I. Today, however, I did experience a clothing disaster that was tragic, and yet hysterical, depending on who you ask.
Ok, so I am standing in line at Albertson's, and I looked good! I had on my tight jeans, a nice pink sweater, and my brand new, super sexy, slingback shoes. I was looking mighty fine indeed. Yep, I'd date me! LOL. The store was busy, so I had a ton of time to watch people. The lady in front of me was very kindly reading to me the latest headlines, from the world's most trusted newspaper, "The Weekly National Voice of Reason." The headline was certainly compelling to be sure. "Mars Probe Determines The Face On Mars Is Either John Kerry Or Bea Arthur." Hey, this is an important thing to know! So, as she read the article, complete with punctuation, I listened intently. I want to be an informed voter this fall. All was well, but then, all of a sudden, it wasn't. I heard it. The sound dreaded by all women, and men, who wear frontal reinforcements that are of the lift ,and separate variety. BOING!!!!
Yes, that's right, my left bra strap had indeed snapped sending my left boobage to a 180 degree angle...straight down, and leaving my still positioned boobage in my bra at 90 degrees. I looked like a U-Turn sign. Now see, here is the thing, I did have some possible ways out of the predicament, that would provide me at least some grace. I could 1) Ask the young clerk doing the bagging on groceries, to lift the items in my cart onto the conveyor belt for me, while I explain that I had some sudden, unnamed affliction. 2) I could pretend to need one more bottle of La Victoria Taco Sauce, and then make a speedy exit. 3) I could hold my arms stiffly at my side, and feign paralysis, or 4) I could read all the UPC codes to the clerk. I opted for the last choice, and like most choices that have to be made in a dime, it was not the best choice. Not by a long shot.
"Can I help you?" Said the clerk. "Oh yes," I replied. The UPC number for the Grant's Ant Stakes, is #72136009, and the Cover Girl Clean Make-up is # 6197205051, and the Hartz hairball remedy is, # 3270095009. This was not working. The clerk was simply standing there...staring at me. It was awkward. LOL. Then, to make matters worse, the stress on the side of my boobage sling, that was still working, was now beginning to protest loudly. BOING!!!!. OK, well, I could have guessed that would have happened. At least now, all my parts were facing the same direction. But now it was just a matter of time, before they would escape the bottom of my cropped pink sweater. That's what I get for saying earlier this week ... "Sure I will go to a nude beach with you." But that was only if I had been asked, this was a spontaneous and NOT asked for by anyone. LOL. So, I leaned over to the clerk and whispered I was no longer interested in the sale on Hostess donuts, if I couldn't be involved in the purchase by being informed consumer. I had a right to be up to date on the UPC codes after all. Mummphf! After that, I made my dignified exit with my arms held stiff at my sides. I made it almost all the way to the car, before the entire undergarment flew off completely. That is the last time I buy supportive attire at the Dollar tree. On the other hand, look at this dress made entirely of prophylactics. Now THAT is what I call safe attire. LOL
Entry originally published on the AOL version of Ellipsis, August 4th, 2004
NOTE: Be sure to check back tomorrow to find out the winner of the "Caption This" contest! :)
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