Monday, July 17, 2006

...And Someday I Would Like To Learn To Ride A Seahorse

"My life has a super cast, but I can't figure out the plot."

-Asleigh Brilliant

Sigh. Things have been stressful lately. There I said it. I think for the most part I am a fairly upbeat person. I have my moments, like most humans from the planet earth, and most of the time all it takes to set it all straight again, is a little time away from the problem. Meditation works, so does Qi Gong. Sometimes however, it doesn't matter how many five-minute sessions of thought processing I do, things simply don't fall back into order. See, I can't change the world outside myself, and I can't change the people in my environment...nor should I try. The problem is, I have certain expectations in life, and I expect things from others, such as believing that commitments made to me should and will kept.

Things happen, mistakes are made, and unforeseen circumstances will occur. It's an absolute part of life. But how many times does a pattern have to occur before one realizes that there is a problem? Then what? I can't make the people in my life keep their promises to me, all I can do is ask that an effort be made to rectify the pattern of dropping the ball when it comes to whatever the situation is. Right? So, does it make me a bad guy that I insist that a commitment made be kept? From my perspective, if I have tried to deal with it and the same pattern continues over and over, how does it help anyone, if I just swallow my frustration and say nothing...pick up the slack myself, because it's easier then possibly hurting someone's feelings by being honest with them about how I feel.

I think most of you have known me long enough to know that I try to be fair. Ellipsis is about my fascination with the world around me. The sun, the moon, music, art, politics, animals, the strange situations I find myself in at times, my hopes, you name it...I am fascinated by it. But at times, like this past week, I just feel a little alone, because sometimes even I need to say that life isn't always a bowl of cherries, not even for me. Sometimes I have to insist that I be treated with respect and courtesy...period. And being in that position just doesn't feel very good, you know? But I have learned from my past that saying, "it's ok you didn't keep your commitment to me, I understand," when I really don't feel that way, is a cowardly way to live one's life.

I think everything is going to be ok, I have said what I need to say and I think the situation is on the mend, yet I still feel this sense of damage in me, because I stood up for myself and didn't let the other person off the hook. It's important to me to treat others the way I want to be treated. I always had this goal to hopefully leave those I meet a little better off then when I found them, but in reality, maybe that is unreasonable as a goal.

In a different situation this week I had to set a different boundary. I had to say to someone that they couldn't do something, because there is an ethic against it. I would never hurt someone's feeling on purpose, it gives me no happiness to think someone is hurting because I had to draw a line. Still, that doesn't change the fact that their feelings are hurt. I have tried to explain that I wasn't attacking them personally, and I tried to reassure them that it was my hope that they would understand my position. I really tried, but they are so sad that anything was said at all, that they can't seem to move beyond the intial hurt.I just needed to make a situation clear, so that in the future it doesn't happen again. Sigh. It's the most helpless feeling to not be forgiven for a slight. It's lonely, and it makes me question myself.

And in still another frustrating situation, I have a friend that I haven't been able to connect with for whatever reason. We are up to 15 reasons the last time I counted, but see, when I reached that number I simply stopped counting. Sigh. Our relationship feels fragile right now. I don't know what to do. My friend has been having a hard time with life in general, and it is starting to hurt him...really bad. Sarah, my therapist, made me say outloud this past week, that "I can't save him." Sigh. She's right. To say it, or even type it right here in the safety of my blog, feels like a cold knife running straight through me. Again, helpless is the word, and yes followed closely by loneliness. But I know I had to say it, so, thank you Sarah.

Ok, have I whined enough? LOL. It wasn't like the whole week was bad, I loved going on the 17 Mile drive. On Wednesday, I grabbed a pizza for lunch from my favorite little pizza place on Shattuck avenue, The Cheeseboard, which tasted like God himself made it...but then all their pizzas do. They serve one type of pizza, which changes daily, and you can by it by the slice, half or whole. I have never tasted anything like it. This past week it was, domestic mushroom, fresh herbs, French feta cheese, mozzarella,and yellow onions. OMG. :) Now THAT is happiness. In fact there were all kinds of little happinesses last week.

I love the little moments, like hearing a song on the radio you haven't heard in forever, or the way Elvis's whiskers feel on my cheek first thing in the morning, or when someone says, "I love you," without saying a word. ;) And today, I get to start yet another week...isn't that great? :) I am sitting on the brink of a whole new week, with new opportunities, new challenges, new joys, new sorrows, new wonderful moments waiting for me, and I am ready to take on the adventure, and someday I would like to learn to ride a seahorse. :)

"For fast acting relief, try slowing down."
-Lily Tomlin

"Someday A Seahorse"
17 Mile Drive
Pacific Grove, California


Suzanne R said...

I'm sorry you are having these experiences. You have such a great attitude and you deserve the best. May you ride that seahorse! Sending hugs to you!

Becky said...

The past couple weeks have just left a big stinky pile of poo in my life and it seems to be going around. I hope things get better soon! I've got a litter box shovel you can borrow, if you like. ;-)

sunflowerkat119 said...

I have just come of a couple of really rough weeks. For me though, it was circumstances rather than people around me. I think you had to deal with the more difficult scenario. I hope that you're feeling better about everything.