Friday, March 03, 2006

Until The Sun Comes Up Over Santa Monica Boulevard

"Health is a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity."

-World Health Organization

Well, that was a quick two weeks! Later today (Friday) I will be at my doctor's office having my first ever Mammogram. I am scared to death. Well, no it's not quite that bad, but I do have a deep case of the wiggins. The thing is, if this lump that is currently residing in my left breast does turn out to be cancer, I am lucky because I have health insurance available to me to fight it. Some aren't as lucky I am. Another problem I have with the Bush administration, the lack of affordable health insurance for roughly 45 million Americans. According to the Breast Cancer Site, a woman is diagnosed with Breast Cancer, in America, every 3 minutes, and American males that will be diagnosed with the disease will be about 1% of the population. While Breast Cancer mostly strikes men over the age of 60, it's not unheard of for a younger man to contract the disease. It happens.

I am going to go to the appointment, and I am going to live with the results. It's all about the whatifs that might come into play. Dumb huh? Wasting time and energy on what I might have to face. Well, at the same time, it's honest. I am worried about my future, because I can look back to just a few years ago, when I was little more then a walking shell. Completely empty inside. I recovered from that and now I know what I could lose. I think about all the conversations I have had with Alan in the last couple weeks, and how everything in my life is all in order, no matter what the test results are. Still, I think about the sound of Dan's voice the last time we spoke. How angry he got, when he realized I could have taken an earlier appointment, and didn't. Yes, me much bad girl.

He is a good and supportive friend, who deserves better then for me to not even try to take care of myself. The T'ai Chi and Qi Gong have been great for my well being. I am finding it to be a challenge, but I can already see the benefits. My meditation is coming along nicely, and the Lavender aromatherapy masks I bought at the World Market are helping both my sleep and my meditation. Then there is good old laugh therapy. Yoga starts soon, I love the Yoga mat Alan bought me for Valentine's day. It is a nice shade of medium green and has a silk carrying bag with beautiful dragonflies on it. :) Hey...look at that...I smiled just then. :) But it's not enough. I must be proactive and advocate for myself. Just talking about the things I am doing to ease the pain and frustration I have because of Fibromyalgia, makes me feel better. :) Being proactive, has always made me feel better, because at least I am no longer the wilting victim. :) One of my favorite episodes of, "Buffy The Vampire Slayer," dealt with a "Fear Demon," and how no matter how enormous our fears seem, there is a truth that is bigger. That truth being, that once faced, a fear is revealed to be really quite small in it's actual size, once you face it and understand it.

When the Fear Demon appeared to Buffy, it taunted her with her fear of being abandoned by her friends. "They're all going to abandon you, you know." I suppose that is also in the back of my mind. When I became so psychologically ill a few years ago, I retreated into myself. You already know that I lost all my creativity and my sense of humor. Most of my friends couldn't take what I had become, and most of them left my life, either slowly as to not hurt my feelings, or in a glorious declaration of, We can't stand the pain you are in."

Ok...I let them go. I was so inside myself that I didn't know what to say. I don't really have abandonment issues anymore, but you never really forget what it felt like to have those you love leave you because they love you too much. Shrug. That's the past, and I don't even have a clear diagnosis yet. I have a conversation with my doctor, and whatever results my Mammogram brings to light. I am armed with a lot of information about Breast cancer, I have resources, but I think about Sheryl Crow, and how she is only one year older then I am, and already diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I think about the stunning statistics regarding Breast Cancer in Marin County, which I spend a lot of time in taking photos. I also think about the success stories, and how lucky I am to have health insurance, and husband, and friends who love me...just as I am. It's all balance, just like the advice my friend Shelly gave me when I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. "Carly, it's about finding a balance." Thanks Shelly. :) Fear Demon?What Fear Demon? LOL. Okay everyone, wish me luck! :)

All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
I got a feeling I'm not the only one
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

-All I Wanna Do" By Sheryl Crow

Breast Cancer Care Helpline
1-800-462-9273 Monday-Friday 9-5 CST

Susan G.Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

The Breast Cancer Site

"Life Is Just This"
Summer, 2005
San Ramon, California
Photo Explosion Created Impressionist Painting


DesLily said...

I'll be thinking about you all day... but it has to turn out ok because you have a trip to hollywood to make yet!..

I wish i could say the words that would let you not be fearful, but I am the LAST person to be able to do that since I can't control my own. But I sure will be thinking of you and hoping all comes out well.

Kat said...

Hope all goes well for you today. You are in my thoughts.

Phinney said...

I'm thinking of you. Be strong today and like I once said, don't worry until someone ever tells you to. I will be at a funeral service this afternoon for my good friend's husband, so please, if you would, think of us too. love, phin

Karen Funk Blocher said...

Hang in there, Carly. I'm thinking of you today. Yesterday, when I had a mammogram myself, I was thinking, "This is no problem for me. How can I make it less of a problem for Carly?" But you're in a different situation than I am. Part of it is the lump, and yeah, scary - but the rest, as you point out, is just your fear demon. Just say "Yeah, yeah," and STOMP HIM!


Steven said...

I still have good thoughts on you!