Monday, November 28, 2005

Yes, No, Maybe, I Don't Know...Can You Repeat The Question?

"Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between 2 deep breaths."

-Etty Hillesum

Sigh. I want to address some things before I begin the grief series tomorrow. I have dropped the ball on some things lately, not meaning to, but I have all the same, so now is a good time to let everyone know the status of some of what's been going on.

I have not been a very good fellow blogger/journalist because I have seriously dropped the ball on doing my blog jogging. It is important to let others know how much you appreciate the things they share, the things they write about, the things that mean a lot to them. I have been so lucky, in that all of you who visit me keep me reminded of how much you care about me and the things I am interested in by taking a moment to leave me comments, suggestions, and feedback. Please don't ever think for one moment it doesn't mean a lot to me, but lately I have had a very difficult time finding any kind of balance.

With the new diagnosis less then a week old, I am still in the stages of finding what will work so that hopefully I can get my life back and on track. When I come home early from taking photos because I am so tired and achey I am crying, that is simply not acceptable. Photography makes me feel alive like nothing else does. Putting thought, and time, and care into taking a specific shot is a lot of work. A great shot rarely comes to have to go out and find it. Now if you are very lucky you can get an approximate idea of timing and conditions, but truly it is a lot of work if it is something you take serious, and trust me, I take my photography serious. I haven't been well enough to do anything really well for any real amount of time. It scares me. I don't know all the ins and outs of what Fibromyalgia is and what it is doing to me. My friend Steven did send me a link to an awesome journal which looks like it will be an excellent resource to begin researching this condition. Thank you are a wonderful friend.

Now lets talk AOL. They couldn't have chosen a worse time to have done what they did if they actually sat down in a boardroom and said, "let's see if we can determine the very worst time to pull the rug out from everyone by adding obnoxious banner ads to their journals." They did this a week before a major holiday. So, in addition to preparing for Thanksgiving, the first one Alan and I have had together without his work or my family being involved, I have to try and figure out what I am doing with this new journal, when I can find the energy to do it. I have been so very lucky in that I have had some very helpful friends, Shelly, Patrick and Karen, standing by when I have had a question or wasn't sure how to do something. A lot of the time I preferred to try and figure it out for myself, because I know that I retain the info in my brain better if I learn for myself. That's just a quirk of me. The downside is, it is slightly more time consuming, which seriously breaks into my blog jogging time. Sigh.

When more then one of your friends tells you that you have let them down, you know that you have a problem. The thing is, and just being honest here, I don't have the energy I did even six months ago when I began to feel really bad. Some days are better then others. I do a limited amount of blog jogging, but if you look here and there about the won't see my comments too many places. Now, I do visit Steven's journal every night before I turn in. Steven's entries are usually short and feature a photograph that calms my nerves or makes me smile. So, you will see me there, and three or more times a week over at Karen's journal. They are the two I comment at most often. I try to get all around, but lately I have had some trouble tracking some folks down, so let's factor that in as well, but as you can see by the length of my sidebar...I haven't forgot anyone. You are never far from my thoughts. I guess what I am asking here is for some understanding while I catch my breath and get my groove back. Hopefully I will be able to begin some healthy jogging next week after the grief series and when I get my holiday decorations up. Please bear with's still me...just a little slower.

Now for the answer to the question you have been waiting for. When will the Round Robins resume? Here is the thing. It is a community project that I am proud of. I enjoy sharing the responsibilities with Karen. It is a lot of work however, and again, with all the stress of closing Ellipsis and starting over fresh here on Blogspot, I simply haven't had the energy or the time to start it back up. I think it should begin again, I think it would be a good thing for the community, and of course by community I mean Blogspot AND AOL. Everyone is till more then welcome to come along, and I have opened the former official Round Robin Journal and made it available to Karen so that when the project is opened up again she has access to all the past info. It may need to go on without me.

It hurts like I can't even explain, because I was proud of the work I put into it. I was proud of all my Robins who played along and did such a great job with interpreting the subjects, but what can I say? I was certainly less the perfect at running it. To say I am a bit linking challenged would be a grand understatement. My brain feels like it is dead. Whole phrases are just escaping me, just when I need them the most. I feel really lost, so maybe I need to step aside and let Karen find someone else to be her teammate. I have asked her to let me have until next Sunday to give her my final decision, but either way I would never stand in the way of all of you having fun with it. Can I have a week to think it through before I give up co-running the Robins?

So, one other minor thing. I don't know what has been going on over at the journals on AOL, but I noticed something tonight that has me concerned. A friend sent me an email that said the ads had come down. I understand others also received an email earlier today that apparently the ads had been taken off the top of the journals. I checked Ellipsis, and sure enough there was no ad at the top of my journal for close to an hour, then it reappeared. I checked a couple other journals during that time and saw that it was hit and miss. So, either AOL is working on having them removed and it was some sort of testing phase OR it is another bug in the software and it doesn't mean a ding-dong thing. One can never tell with AOL.

I am going to wait until late tomorrow to begin the grief series, until I can see what John Scalzi and Joe (Magic Smoke) might say about it. I was planning to begin the grief series entries early on Monday, but the first installment will be dealing with the most prominent emotion that we are all experiencing Anger, and since I don't know what the deal is with the journals,I think there is a good possibility that it could affect the dynamic of the entry I am planning. So, the series will begin later today, after I do the Monday photo shoot, sometime close to the evening. How about we all cross our fingers that whatever the new glitch is, it won't be something so craptastic as to start a new round of the mean reds. Personally, I am beginning to take it all in can only cry so much. :(
I can't promise I will ever have the energy back I once had, so I have to I still worth the wait?

"Carly In Autumn" (Self Portrait)
Berkeley, California
April, 2005


Becky said...

Leave yourself loads of time to recharge your batteries. I have a friend with fibro. You have to be very conservative with your energy expenditures. Don't worry about us. We all go through junk that takes us away from our journaling hobby at times. I am up at 4am trying to catch up after being too busy to even sit at my desk for the last 4 days. *sigh* Time for bed. LOL

Karen Funk Blocher said...

Dearest Carly -

I'm sure that none of your many online friends would expect you to do more than you can do in your current circumstances, not once we know everything you've said here. Please remember that I'm willing to work harder than before on the RR, to take as much of the burden off you as possible. And if that burden needs to be zero, I can either do it all myself or find another volunteer - maybe even in this comment section!

But whatever you decide, and whatever slack you need from us to get through your days and nights, we're with you. You are more important than the meme, or the comments you might have left if you were feeling 100%. Sure, I love to hear from you in comments (and I'm one of the lucky few who does!), and yes, I think the RR is more important than ever. But there's no reason that these things should happen at the expense of your health.


Chris said...

Can you have a week? Girl, you can have a lifetime! Life will continue; things change; as long as you're still part of our community, well...that's all that matters to me. I'm with you no matter what you decide.

Chris said...

Oh, and if Karen needs my help, I'm in!

Solitary Dancer said...

You ask for a week? Sweetie, you can have all the time your need. You need some times to wrap your arms around all that has been going on.

We are all here for you.

As for your lack of blog jogging??? That happens to all of us. If you don't visit for awhile, that's OK. I know you are there and I always know that you care.


Shelly said...

I've mentioned that my second best friend and science fiction writing partner has had FM more than half her life and she's 50 now. I'll tell you what I've told her over the years, especially in recent ones when she hasn't been able to keep up her end of our writing projects. True friends can't be let down by their friends. True friends understand what their friends need. True friends are unselfish. All true friends want is friendship. Yes, friendship won't last if it's one-sided, but things come up and true friends should understand and if things get rough for them, their friends will be there in return.

There isn't a payment schedule for friendship. It just is. Do what you need to do. Work out your schedule, how much you can handle and when. Your friends will be here, patiently waiting and lending support.

Phinney said...

I'll just say I agree with what others said here, and answer your last question: Yes, you are worth it. I love your photo graphic, my wonderful friend. xoxo Phinney

jennifer said...

Carly, I think many of us are absorbing the shock of the unexpected move (exactly as you say: the world's worst time) and we're still finding our legs. I know I am. I feel so bad that I have been a hit and miss visitor, but the nice thing is that we are still a team who stuck together because we wanted to. That means visit, don't visit, don't matter. We stick together in thick and thin. We all want you to feel better. And soon.

Journals were squirrelly last night. I was watching them come on and off for more than an hour. Tried to get Joe to explain, but no expanation yet.

Healing wishes your way!

DesLily said...

It's always been said, you can't help others until you help yourself.. this time it means YOU.. Most people don't really believe that if you aren't there 24/7 that you aren't a friend ..
I have a friend i almost never see.. but she's still my friend.

everyone will be here waiting when you are well enough and strong enough to be here.. at other times everyone will be holding good thoughts for you.
take care first..

Judith HeartSong said...

love and a big hug your way. judi

Sassy said...

Ah Carly~Take as long as you need and thanks for addressing the quetion. Sorry it's a bit painful for you. Even if you don't run it~I bet we will see you participate as your energy allows. Love, Sassy

Gaboatman said...

Yes, you are worth the wait. Take as much time as you feel you need, we will be here when you get back, I promise! I'm sorry your energy level is so low and that you are hurting. If I could do anything to help, I would. Justknow that there are so many of us out here that care about you and wish you only the best!

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