"A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us."
~ Pema Chodron
The Places That Scare You
Okay, so, a couple of posts back, I explained that I had some news that I would be sharing with you but I first needed to come to terms with it before I made it an official part of this diary of me. I am ready now. Here is the thing. I haven't been feeling very good. I was sick a couple times, earlier this year, with a bout of food poisoning, and a urinary tract infection. Both carry similar symptoms. Nausea, fever, vomiting, diarrhea, both are nasty things to deal with, and because I also carry Fibromyalgia everywhere I go, every single day of my life, I am already prepared to keep colds, flu and the occasional bout of food poisoning and UTS's a little longer than most folks do. But when I did recover from those things, I found I was still really tired and I just didn't feel right. I put it all down to the stress of this past year, and believe me it was stressful, but the doctor wanted to know more, so in that I am in my 50's now, it was more important than ever that I got a full workup of tests including my annual FIT test.
The tests showed a higher than usual white blood count, and that the FIT test came back positive for hidden blood in my feces. Terrific. The doctor has ordered a colonoscopy to see if it's colon cancer. Now, before you panic, the odds are that there is only a 5% chance it will turn out to be anything. When the colonoscopy is done, they will be able to see if there are any cancerous or precancerous polyps in my colon and remove them for biopsy. If there are some that are over a certain size, then that will require surgery. Sigh. The odds are in my favor, but with the way I have been feeling I am needless to say, unnerved. Actually, I am no unnerved so much as SCARED. I am scaredy-scared! I am scared of cancer. I am scared of the colonoscopy. I am scared of the IV needle they will be putting in my arm to do the test. I am scared.
SCARED. SCARED. SCARED.
I found all this out over a month ago. Since then I have grieved it. I have bargained. Denied. Gotten REALLY PISSED OFF. CRIED REALLY LOUD when the house was empty. And finally, made the appointment for the colonoscopy. So, with the grieving of my circumstance behind me (pun intended) I am now turning to humor, which has already seen me though so much in life, to help me though yet another stupid ASS situation I find myself in. I know this might be nothing, but I fainted one day, so that tells me it might BE something this time, but what can I do? I will just have to put my big girl panties on and bend over!
Okay, right. In an effort to get on with it... the being a big girl part...I was searching through self help books on Amazon.com a couple weeks ago, and came across this book, about one man's journey. It's a short story about the prep night before the dreaded colonoscopy. It's honest. It's funny. And most important it's very human. I enjoyed reading about his adventure, and I will be thinking about it when my turn comes next month. I have also been lucky enough to have gotten advice from Twitter pals who have had this test done, and live to tell the tale. They have all been very kind about sharing their experiences with me! I am lucky. And I am not alone. That's important to know at times like this, human stuff happens to humans other than yourself.
My advice to myself right now is...
COWBOY UP GIRLFRIEND
YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE THAN THIS!
And I have... I really have. And I am still standing, at least I am when I am not fainting.
So, the test happens on October 19th. I will be sharing the journey because the month of October is our vacation month. It's our favorite month! We have our anniversary, and it's autumn, and Halloween happens, so is there any better time you can think of have a colonoscopy done? So, stay tuned. There is a lot coming in the future, including my Leaf Of The Day project for 2016! I am not going to dwell on the colonoscopy, it's only one part of what I hope will be a very busy, very life filled month. October is too beautiful to ignore!
I am bending over to stare cancer in the eye!
Mood: Concerned But Okay